The Yielding I.

Number One Fan

2007-06-20T19:31:00.001-07:00

Number One Fan

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Pet Care Emporium

2007-06-20T19:29:00.000-07:00

The Pet Care Emporium

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Gerald on Cats

2007-06-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

Gerald on Cats

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The Problem with Cannabis: Example #001

2007-06-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

The Problem with Cannabis

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Moon-Shandy's Lot.

2007-06-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

Moon-Shandy's Lot.

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Beware the Monkey!

2007-06-11T21:43:00.001-07:00

Beware the Monkey!

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Just a 10 second Promo I did for the 4laughs 'silent era' themed competition.

The Gallapoli Monkey

2007-06-07T10:44:00.001-07:00

The Gallapoli Monkey

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Do your Duty!

2007-06-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Do your duty!

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Star TWOC!

2007-06-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

Star TWOC!

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Once Bitten (Radio Edit)

2007-06-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

Once Bitten (Radio Edit)

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Both the music and the visuals for this video were compiled using selected media from previously abandoned projects that I stumbled across when searching through my back-up files.

The song was jigsawed together from old lyric tests for three similar songs that I never got around to finishing. The backing music is the only newly created aspect, having been inspired by the similar chord patterns found in all the vocals.

The video is pieced together from previously photoshopped images and test animations for projects that were either never completed or unsuitable for the finished edit.

As ever this video was made using outdated software and limited hardware, operated by a half-wit.

The Star Wars Kids...

2007-05-18T14:04:00.000-07:00

Star Wars Kids

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An animation I made for an audio sketch by the talented Mr Mynott.

Three simple Death Sketches.

2007-05-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

These three simple sketches were written to fit a brief on the subject of Death...

SKETCH #1

INT. VICTORIAN BEDROOM.

THE DIMLY LIT ROOM DENOTES A FAMILY OF HIGH STATUS. OPULENCE IS IN ABUNDANCE.

ABOVE THE BED IS A PROUD PORTRAIT OF HENRY, HIS WIFE AND THEIR SON.

HENRY IS LYING IN THE BED, CLEARLY CLOSE TO DEATH.

HENRY'S WIFE IS STANDING BY THE BED HOLDING HENRY'S HAND WITH A CONCERNED BUT PROUD LOOK ON HER FACE, SHE OCCASIONALLY GLANCES AT THE MAN SITTING ON A CHAIR TO HER RIGHT.

THAT MAN IS LOCAL BIOGRAPHER ARNOLD LAYNE, A REASONABLY WELL DRESSED MAN HOLDING A PEN AND NOTEPAD.

HENRY'S SON AND HIS PREGNANT WIFE ARE STANDING BY THE DOOR, FINDING COMFORT IN EACH OTHERS ARMS.

ALL PRESENT ARE WATCHING HENRY CLOSELY.

AFTER A TIME HENRY STIRS, EXCITING THE OBSERVERS. ARNOLD LAYNE GRIPS HIS PEN AND PREPARES TO WRITE.

HENRY: (LABOURED)
Throughout my life I have known many hardships...

ARNOLD BEGINS WRITING HENRY'S WORDS, WITH HENRY'S WIFE OCCASIONALLY GLANCING IN HIS DIRECTION TO ENSURE HE IS NOTING DOWN HER HUSBANDS WISDOM.

HENRY: (CONT'D)
... I have served my queen and country, and lost so many friends along the way. And though now I face my final foe I hold no fear of death, for although I have sinned and I have erred, I have fulfilled the destiny of all men. I have in my heart the love of a beautiful wife, the devotion of a wonderful son, and the knowledge that the name of my ancestors will live on long after I am gone.

HENRY'S SON PLACES HIS HAND ON HIS WIFE'S ROUNDED STOMACH AND HOLDS BACK HIS TEARS.

HENRY: (CONT'D)
And so it is that in these my final moments, I have learned the true meaning of life. That the measure of a man is not in the wealth he has amassed, nor the fear and respect he has instilled in his peers, it is in the hearts and minds of those he has loved, and in that love a man can live forever.

AFTER A MOMENT, HENRY'S WIFE LOOKS PROUDLY AT ARNOLD LAYNE AS HE FINISHES WRITING DOWN HER HUSBANDS WORDS, BUT HER PRIDE QUICKLY TURNS TO FEAR AS HER HUSBAND GRIPS HER HAND TIGHTLY, HIS FACE CONTORTING WITH THE FINAL THROES OF DEATH.

HENRY LETS OUT A LONG LABOURED BREATH, CLOSES HIS EYES THEN MOVES NO MORE.

THE SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW EMBRACE EACH OTHER WITH SORROW. THE WIFE KISSES HENRY'S HAND, STEALS HERSELF THE STANDS AND ADDRESSES THE ROOM.

WIFE:
No finer last words were ever spoken as those uttered by my dear sweet...

THE WIFE'S WORDS ARE SUDDENLY INTERRUPTED AS HENRY SUDDENLY OPENS HIS EYES AND GRIMACES.

HENRY:
I think I just shit myself!

HENRY FALLS DEAD.

WITH A WRY SMILE, ARNOLD LAYNE QUICKLY JOTS DOWN HENRY'S FINAL WORDS.

SEEING THIS, THE WIFE LETS OUT AN ANNOYED SIGH.

WIFE: (TO CAMERA)
Bollocks!

FADE OUT.

END.

SKETCH #2

EXT. HANGMAN'S GALLOWS.

A SMALL CROWD IS GATHERED AROUND THE GALLOWS.

THE PRISONER IS STANDING ON THE GALLOWS WITH HIS HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK AND THE NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK.

HANGMAN:
Do you have any last words?

PRISONER:
Nipple.

THE HANGMAN SIGHS, SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY THEN PULLS THE LEVER.

THE TRAPDOOR OPENS AND THE PRISONER DROPS THROUGH -- THEN BOUNCES BACK UP, LANDING NEATLY BACK UP ON THE GALLOWS WITH HIS FEET ON EITHER SIDE OF THE TRAP DOOR.

THE PRISONER LOOKS AS SURPRISED AS THE HANGMAN.

THE HANGMAN GRABS THE NOOSE AND INSPECTS IT SUSPICIOUSLY.

HANGMAN: (TO CROWD)
Alright! Who's idea was the rubber rope?

ONE OR TWO MEMBERS OF THE CROWD SUPPRESS A GIGGLE.

FADE OUT.

END.

SKETCH #3

INT. BIBLICAL TOMB.

SUNLIGHT FILTERS IN THROUGH THE OPENED TOMB ENTRANCE.

PETER IS STANDING BESIDE A LOW STONE ALTER, UPON WHICH IS THE BODY OF LAZARUS, COVERED BY A MUSLIN SHROUD.

JESUS: (O.O.V.)
Lazarus... come forth!

PETER LOOKS DOWN AT THE UNMOVING BODY EXPECTANTLY, BUT LAZARUS DOES NOT MOVE.

JESUS: (O.O.V)
Lazarus... come forth!!

PETER LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE ENTRANCE AND THE BODY. LAZARUS REMAINS UNMOVING.

JESUS ENTERS.

JESUS:
Anything?

PETER SHRUGS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

JESUS GRUNTS WITH IMPATIENCE THEN RAISES HIS ARMS DRAMATICALLY.

JESUS:
Lazarus! Come forth!!

BOTH MEN LOOK TO THE BODY, BUT STILL LAZARUS DOES NOT MOVE.

JESUS SIGHS AND PONDERS THE PROBLEM.

JESUS:
Give him a kick.

PETER KICKS THE BODY OF LAZARUS.

BOTH MEN WAIT FOR A REACTION THAT DOES NOT COME.

PETER:
It's not working.

JESUS:
Kick him again.

PETER KICKS THE BODY AGAIN, BUT STILL NOTHING HAPPENS.

PETER LOOKS CLOSER AT LAZARUS.

PETER:
I think he's dead.

JESUS:
Of course he's dead! It wouldn't be much of a trick if he wasn't! Kick him again!

PETER AND JESUS EXCHANGE A LOOK, THEN BOTH MEN SUDDENLY JUMP FORWARD AND BEGIN KICKING THE BODY OF LAZARUS UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF BREATH.

THE TWO MEN TAKE A MOMENT TO CATCH THEIR BREATH. JESUS MASSAGES HIS BEARD, GIVING THOUGHT TO THE PROBLEM.

PETER:
What are we going to do?

JESUS:
I'm thinking!

PETER BEGINS STROKING HIS OWN BEARD, GIVING EQUAL THOUGHT TO THE PROBLEM.

AFTER A MOMENT, A DAWNING REALIZATION CROSSED THEIR FACES AS BOTH MEN REACH THE SAME IDEA AT THE SAME TIME.

JESUS AND PETER: (AS ONE)
Got it!

CUT TO:

EXT. BIBLICAL TOMB.

A CROWD OF PEOPLE ARE GATHERED OUTSIDE THE TOMB, ALL DRESSED IN CLOTHES APPROPRIATE TO THE TIME.

JESUS STEPS OUT OF THE TOMB CONFIDENTLY, TURNS AND DRAMATICALLY HOLDS HIS ARMS UP TOWARDS THE TOMB ENTRANCE.

JESUS:
Lazarus! Come forth!

FOR A FEW MOMENTS NOTHING HAPPENS, THEN SUDDENLY THE ROTTING CORPSE OF LAZARUS MOVES OUT INTO VIEW, CLUMSILY PROPPED UP BY PETER.

PETER, GRIPPING THE BODY BY THE ARMPITS, STARTS SWAYING THE BODY FROM SIDE TO SIDE, MAKING THE ARMS FLAIL WHILE WAILING LIKE A HALLOWEEN GHOST.

THE CROWD GASP.

PETER:
WooooOOOOH! WooooOOOOOOOOH!!!

THE CROWD BEGINS TO CLAP, THEN CHEER.

JESUS PROUDLY RAISES HIS ARMS AND SOAKS UP THE APPLAUSE.

JESUS:
Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!

JESUS DISCREETLY EXCHANGES A RELIEVED SIGH WITH PETER.

FADE OUT.

END.

Too Much Ugly People

2007-05-01T18:10:00.001-07:00

Too Much Ugly People

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The Yielding Report: Pilot Episode

2007-04-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

The Yielding Report

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This is the pilot episode of my new satirical faux-news animation series.

All characters in this episode are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to existing celebrities alive or dead is purely incidental.

Alphabet Soup

2007-04-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

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A IS FOR APPLE
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EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM AND EVE ARE SITTING ON A SOFA MADE OF GRASS. EVE IS DOZING WITH HER UPTURNED HANDS IN HER LAP, ADAM IS EATING AN APPLE.

VOICE OF GOD: (O.O.V.)
Hey! Who’s been nicking my apples?!

ADAM TOSSES THE APPLE INTO ONE OF EVE’S UPTURNED HANDS AND TRIES TO LOOK NONCHALANT.

FADE OUT.

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B IS FOR BABY
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INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.

A WOMAN IS GIVING BIRTH WHILE HER HUSBAND REASSURINGLY HOLDS HER HAND AND ENCOURAGES HER TO PUSH.

THE DOCTOR STRUGGLES AND TUGS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, AND EVENTUALLY PULLS A BABY COW CALF FROM THE WOMAN’S WOMB.

ALL PRESENT LOOK SHOCKED.

THE HUSBAND SHOOTS HIS WIFE A DIRTY LOOK AND STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM.

WOMAN:
Wait! I can explain!

CUT TO:

INT. WAITING ROOM.

AMONGST THE OTHER PEOPLE WAITING THERE IS A BULL SITTING WITH HIS LEGS CROSSED READING A MAGAZINE.

THE HUSBAND ENTERS AND ANGRILY STARES AT THE BULL.

THE BULL LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE.

BULL:
How is she?

THE HUSBAND GROWLS AND ADVANCES ON THE BULL.

WITH A YELP, THE BULL JUMPS FROM HIS SEAT AND RUNS FROM THE HUSBAND.

BULL:
It’s not what you think!

FADE OUT.

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C IS FOR CAT
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INT. JENNY’S APARTMENT/ NIGHT.

JENNY AND DAVE ENTER, FRESH FROM A NIGHT OUT.

JENNY:
You sit down, I’ll make that coffee.

DAVE TAKES A SEAT ON THE SOFA, BUT IS SURPRISED TO SEE THAT BESIDE HIM THERE IS A CAT WITH A LIT CIGARETTE IN ITS MOUTH.

DAVE:
Jenny?

JENNY: (O.O.V)
Yes?

DAVE:
Your Pussy’s smoking!

JENNY ENTERS CARRYING TWO COFFEES AND SMILING SEDUCTIVELY.

JENNY:
You should see my tits.

FADE OUT.

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D IS FOR DOG
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EXT. LONDON ZOO.

BARRY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ENTRANCE TO THE ZOO, COVERING WILMA’S EYES WITH HIS HANDS.

PASTED OVER THE SIGN READING ‘LONDON ZOO’ IS A POSTER READING ‘SOLD’.

BARRY REMOVES HIS HANDS FROM WILMA’S EYES.

BARRY:
Ta-da!

WILMA LOOKS AT THE ZOO FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS TO BARRY.

WILMA:
What’s that?

BARRY:
It’s your birthday present.

WILMA:
I asked you for a puppy!

BARRY:
Noooo. (PAUSE) You said you wanted a shitzu.

WILMA SIGHS AND WALKS AWAY FROM BARRY.

FADE OUT.

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E IS FOR EGG.
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

TREVOR (AGED 7) IS SITTING ON THE SOFA.

HIS DAD ENTERS WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK.

TREVOR SMILES EXPECTANTLY.

DAD:
Do you remember on my birthday, when you made me a card out of a picture you drew with crayons and glitter?

TREVOR:
Yes.

DAD:
And do you remember father’s day when you made me a pair of binoculars out of two toilet roll tubes.

TREVOR:
Yes.

DAD:
And do you remember at Christmas when instead of buying me a present you made me a stick man out of pipe cleaners and bits of paper.

TREVOR:
Yes.

DAD:
Here…

TREVOR’S DAD PULLS A HANDFUL OF FAECAL MATTER FROM BEHIND HIS BACK AND PRESENTS IT TO TREVOR.

DAD:
…I laid you an egg for Easter.

TREVOR GRIMACES AS HIS DAD DROPS THE POOP IN HIS HANDS THEN EXITS SMUGLY.

FADE OUT.

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F IS FOR FISH.
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INT. COVERED MARKET.

A BLIND MAN IS WALKING THROUGH THE MARKET, HIS WHITE CANE TAPPING THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIM.

THE BLIND MAN WALKS PAST A FISH STALL AND STOPS, SNIFFING THE AIR.

BLIND MAN:
Mother?

FADE OUT.

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G IS FOR GARDEN
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EXT. GARDEN

NORMAN IS SITTING IN A DECKCHAIR WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.

A NOISE TO HIS LEFT ROUSES HIM AND HE LOOKS TO SEE A POLICEMAN DIGGING IN HIS FLOWER BED.

NORMAN:
Hey! What are you doing?

POLICEMAN:
Ah-ha!

THE POLICEMAN YANKS UP A LARGE PLANT AND HOLDS IT OUT TOWARDS NORMAN.

POLICEMAN:
Do you have a licence for this firearm?

NORMAN: (FROWNING)
That’s a plant?

THE POLICEMAN PULLS OUT HIS HANDCUFFS.

POLICEMAN:
That’s what they all say sir.

FADE OUT.

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H IS FOR HORSE
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EXT. PADDOCK

AN UNHAPPY HORSE IS STANDING IN THE PADDOCK LOOKING GLUM.

A SECOND HORSE APPROACHES.

SECOND HORSE:
Why the long face?

THE UNHAPPY HORSE LETS OUT A HEAVY SIGH.

UNHAPPY HORSE:
I’m hung like a human.

THE SECOND HORSE SUCKS AIR IN THROUGH IT’S TEETH AND WALKS ON, SHAKING ITS HEAD IN SYMPATHY.

FADE OUT.

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I IS FOR IGLOO.
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EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

AN INUIT COUPLE ARE SITTING IN THE CENTRE OF THE WASTELAND ON SMALL WICKER STOOLS, HUDDLED AROUND AN ELECTRIC HEATER.

THE WIFE IS LOOKS ANGRY WITH HER HUSBAND.

AROUND THEM IS EVIDENCE THAT THEIR IGLOO HAS COMPLETELY MELTED.

WIFE:
You and your big ideas.

THE HUSBAND SULKS.

FADE OUT.

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J IS FOR JACK IN A BOX
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INT. FUNERAL SERVICE

A QUEUE OF FORMALLY DRESSED PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS TO THE DECEASED MAN IN THE OPEN COFFIN.

GONAD NIPPLETHWAITE IS AT THE HEAD OF THE QUEUE. HE LEANS INTO THE COFFIN AND APPEARS TO HUG THE BODY.

WIPING A TEAR FROM HIS EYE, GONAD STEPS ASIDE TO LET THE WIDOW PAY HER RESPECTS.

AS THE WIDOW IS ABOUT TO KISS HER HUSBAND, A JACK IN THE BOX SUDDENLY JUMPS UP FROM THE COFFIN. THE WIDOW SCREAMS AND PASSES OUT.

GONAD ROARS WITH LAUGHTER, BUT STOPS WHEN HE SEES NOBODY ELSE IS LAUGHING.

GONAD:
Oh come on - That’s funny!

GONAD HOLDS OUT HIS HANDS, APPEALING FOR A SENSE OF HUMOUR.

GONAD:
Nobody? (PAUSE) Really?

RECEIVING NO RESPONSE, GONAD GROWLS WITH FRUSTRATION.

GONAD: (SULKILY)
Miserable bastards.

GONAD STEPS OVER THE UNCONSCIOUS WIDOW AND WALKS OFF.

FADE OUT.

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K IS FOR KETTLE
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INT. KITCHEN/ C.U. SHELF.

THE POT IS SITTING BESIDE THE KETTLE. BOTH HAVE ANIMATED FACES, THE POT IS LOOKING SMUG WHILE THE KETTLE IS LOOKING SHOCKED AND OFFENDED.

KETTLE: (TO POT)
You racist bastard!

FADE OUT.

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L IS FOR LEMON
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EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM AND EVE ARE SITTING ON A SOFA MADE OF GRASS. EVE IS SLEEPING WITH AN APPLE IN HER RIGHT HAND AND A HALF EATEN LEMON IN THE OTHER, ADAMS FACE IS DISTORTED, HIS EYES ARE WATERING AND HIS LIPS ARE SCREWED UP TIGHTLY.

GOD: (O.O.V.)
Who’s been at my lemons?!

FADE OUT.

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M IS FOR MONKEY.
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INT. CORRIDOR.

EMILY AND STAN ARE HEADING FOR BED.

EMILY:
I’ll just say goodnight to Johnny.

STAN NODS AND CONTINUES TOWARDS THEIR BEDROOM AS EMILY OPENS THE DOOR TO THEIR SONS ROOM.

INSIDE THE ROOM JOHNNY IS SITTING ON THE BED WITH A SMALL HAIRY MONKEY BENT OVER ON HIS LAP.

JOHNNY IS SPANKING THE MONKEY.

EMILY CLOSES THE DOOR WITH A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HER FACE.

STAN:
What’s he up to?

EMILY IS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

FADE OUT.

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N IS FOR NAIL
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INT. SNAIL PRISON CANTEEN

SNAILS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES ARE QUEUING FOR THEIR MEALS OR SITTING DOWN TO EAT THEM.

MIKE THE SNAIL SITS DOWN NEXT TO BARRY THE SNAIL.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF BARRY A SIX INCH NAIL IS PROPPED UP AGAINST THE SEAT.

MIKE NODS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE NAIL.

MIKE:
What’s his problem?

BARRY:
Whoa! Don’t mess with him… he’s not all there.

Fade out.

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O IS FOR ORANGE
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INT. SUPERMARKET.

A WOMAN IS WALKING DOWN THE FRUIT AISLE, LOOKING AT THE APPLES, PEARS ETC.

AS SHE PASSES THE ORANGES SHE LETS OUT A YELP AND STEPS BACK IN HORROR.

DAVID DICKINSON’S HEAD IS STICKING UP OUT OF THE ORANGES.

DAVID:
I shouldn’t be here you know…

DAVID’S HAND POKES UP OUT OF THE ORANGES HOLDING A VANITY MIRROR.

DAVID: (LOOKING AT HIS REFLECTION)
I’m more of a tangerine than an orange.

THE WOMAN FAINTS.

DAVID:
Please yourself.

FADE OUT.

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P IS FOR PIG
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EXT. FARMYARD PIG STY

THE STEREOTYPICAL DEVON FARMER IS LEANING ON THE FENCE OF THE STY CHEWING A STALK OF GRASS, LOOKING ADORINGLY AT THE PIGS.

HE LOOKS TO CAMERA.

FARMER:
Oi loves moi pigs oi do.

HE GLANCES ONCE MORE AT HIS PIGS THEN QUICKLY LOOKS BACK AT THE CAMERA TO EXPLAIN.

FARMER:
(INNOCENTLY) Oi doesn’t sleep wiv em.

THE FARMER RETURNS TO WATCHING HIS PIGS.

FARMER:
Oi just tickles their balls.

FADE OUT.

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Q IS FOR QUEEN
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INT. LAVISH FOYER

A COLLECTION OF CELEBRITIES ARE LINED UP NERVOUSLY WAITING TO MEET THE QUEEN.

THE QUEEN ENTERS AND APPROACHES KENNY, THE NEAREST CELEBRITY.

QUEEN:
Hello there.

KENNY BOWS POLITELY

KENNY:
Ma’am.

QUEEN:
And who are you?

KENNY:
I’m Kenny Finch Ma’am, I’m the lead singer of Nipple.

QUEEN:
Very good, and when was your last check up?

KENNY:
I’m sorry?

THE QUEEN PULLS DOWN KENNY’S CHEEK AND LOOKS INTO HIS EYES.

QUEEN:
Your last check up – when was it?

KENNY:
Er… I don’t remember ma’am.

QUEEN:
Well, no matter – drop your pants.

KENNY:
What?

QUEEN:
Come on we haven’t got all day, there’s lots of people to see you know.

NERVOUSLY, KENNY UNBUCKLES HIS BELT AND DROPS HIS TROUSERS.

QUEEN:
Very good, now turn your head and cough.

KENNY:
I don’t think this is…

KENNY YELPS A LITTLE AS THE QUEEN CUPS HIS TESTICLES, BUT QUICKLY TURNS HIS HEAD AND COUGHS.

QUEEN:
Well, everything seems okay. Just get plenty of exercise and cut down on your fatty foods. (PAUSE) Next!

THE QUEEN MOVES DOWN TO THE NEXT IN LINE, WHO IS ALREADY UNBUCKLING HIS PANTS.

KENNY LOOKS ON IN DISBELIEF.

FADE OUT.

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R IS FOR RABBIT
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INT. PROCTOLOGISTS OFFICE

A GIANT RABBIT IS SITTING ON ALL FOURS WITH IT’S BUM IN THE AIR.

THE PROCTOLOGIST IS STUDYING THE ANIMALS RECTUM.

PROCTOLOGIST:
You’ve been overeating again haven’t you?

RABBIT:
How can you tell?

THE PROCTOLOGIST TAKES OFF HIS RUBBER GLOVE.

PROCTOLOGIST:
You’ve got a nine carrot ring.

FADE OUT.

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S IS FOR SHOES
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

DANNY IS SITTING IN THE ARMCHAIR READING A NEWSPAPER.

THE SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CAN BE HEARD.

DANNY:
Is that you love?

WIFE: (O.O.V.)
Yes honey!

DANNY:
Did you pick up those deck shoes I ordered?

DANNY’S WIFE ENTERS HOLDING TWO LARGE PENIS-SHAPED SLIPPERS.

WIFE:
Did you say DECK shoes?

FADE OUT.

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T IS FOR TEETH.
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

AN ELDERLY WIFE IS SITTING IN THE ROCKING CHAIR READING A NEWSPAPER.

AN ELDERLY HUSBAND ENTERS, FROWNING.

HUSBAND:
Have you seen my teeth?

WIFE:
No.

AS THE ELDERLY WIFE CROSSED HER LEGS THERE IS THE SOUND OF TEETH SNAPPING TOGETHER.

THE HUSBAND EYES HER WITH SUSPICION.

FADE OUT.

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U IS FOR UMBRELLA
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INT. PROCTOLOGISTS OFFICE.

A MAN IS UP ON THE TABLE ON ALL FOURS WITH HIS TROUSERS DOWN. THERE IS AN UMBRELLA HANDLE STICKING OUT FROM HIS RECTUM.

THE PROCTOLOGIST IS FROWNING AT THE DILEMMA, WHILE THE MAN IS LOOKING EMBARRASSED.

MAN:
No, really - it was an accident, it’s nothing kinky or anything. I just…

CHERIE BLAIR ENTERS.

CHERIE:
Are you going to be long? Only my husband’s in the waiting room and… ooh, I’ve got an umbrella like that.

CHERIE STEPS UP TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT THE UMBRELLA HANDLE.

PROCTOLOGIST:
Would you mind returning to the waiting room please.

CHERIE:
It’s one of those with a button on the handle – look.

PROCTOLOGIST:
No!

CHERIE PRESSES THE BUTTON ON THE HANDLE AND THE MAN’S T-SHIRT SUDDENLY PUFFS OUT LIKE A TUTU.

UMBRELLA MAN:
Eek!

THE PROCTOLOGIST FOLDS HIS ARMS ANGRILY AND GROWLS AT CHERIE.

CHERIE: (SHEEPISHLY)
I’ll erm… I’ll just wait outside.

THE PROCTOLOGIST NODS.

FADE OUT.

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V IS FOR VIOLIN
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

AN ELDERLY MAN IS SITTING BY THE RADIO.

ON THE RADIO A SAXOPHONE SOLO IS COMING TO AN END.

DISC JOCKEY: (VIA RADIO)
That was Courtney Pine with Sunset dreams, up next we have Vanessa Mae with a moonlight jig entitled…

THE ELDERLY MAN SNAPS OFF THE RADIO.

ELDERLY MAN: (GRUMPILY)
Bloody wireless. It’s nothing but sax and violins.

THE OLD MAN FOLDS HIS ARMS, THEN SMILES WRYLY TO CAMERA.

FADE OUT.

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W IS FOR WORM
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A WORM WITH A FACE IS LYING IN THE SOUL ENJOYING THE DAY.

SUDDENLY A GIANT SPADE SLAMS DOWN AND CUTS THE WORM IN TWO.

AFTER A MOMENT, THE SEVERED LOWER HALF OF THE WORM EVOLVES A FACE.

THE TWO WORM HALVES LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

WORM HALF 1:
Hello there.

WORM HALF 2 STUDIES WORM HALF ONE.

WORM HALF 2: (CONT’D)
Have you lost weight?

FADE OUT.

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X IS FOR X-RAY
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INT. PROCTOLOGISTS OFFICE.

THE PROCTOLOGIST IS SAT AT HIS DESK HOLDING UP AN X-RAY WITH ONE HAND AND THE TELEPHONE TO HIS EAR WITH THE OTHER.

THE X-RAY SHOWS THAT THE SUBJECT HAS A SKULL INSERTED INTO HIS RECTUM.

PROCTOLOGIST: (INTO PHONE)
Well Mrs Blair, the good news is we’ve located your husband’s head.

FADE OUT.

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Y IS FOR YACHT
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EXT. DECK ON A SINKING YACHT.

A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE STANDING ON THE ANGLED DECK WITH THEIR ARMS FOLDED.

HUSBAND:
I knew I should have married this boat.

WIFE:
What are you yabbering on about now? You’re married to me!

HUSBAND:
Yes – and how often doYOU go down on me now?

FADE OUT.

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Z IS FOR ZEBRA
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EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM AND EVE ARE SITTING ON A SOFA MADE OF GRASS. EVE IS SLEEPING WITH AN APPLE IN ONE HAND AND A HALF EATEN LEMON IN THE OTHER. ADAM IS CHEWING ON A ZEBRA LEG.

GOD APPEARS BEFORE THEM AND LOOKS AT ADAM WITH ARMS FOLDED.

GOD:
Is that my Zebra?

ADAM LOOKS UP SHEEPISHLY.

FADE OUT.

Twenty-three

2007-04-04T18:31:00.000-07:00

Twenty-three

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Welcome to the Yielding I.

2007-04-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Come on in, take your shoes off and make yourself at home.
To the right you'll see various categories of content for your perusal, but please be advised that some video content may contain language unsuitable for younger viewers.

New content will be added frequently.

Enjoy.

Random pictures

2007-03-30T05:04:00.001-07:00

Twenty Gossip Sketches

2007-03-30T05:01:00.000-07:00

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Sketch #1: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 1.
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White to find out the latest gossip from Hollywood.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HENRY SITTING IN FRONT OF A MOCK HOLLYWOOD HILLS BACKDROP.

JUDY: (TO MONITOR)
Hello Henry, nice to see you again.

HENRY: (HAPPILY)
Hi Judy.

JUDY:
I hear you’ve got hold of some really juicy gossip for us Henry?

HENRY:
Indeed I have.

JUDY:
Well don’t keep us in suspense – dish the dirt!

HENRY:
Well Judy, it appears that a certain UK TV star was arrested in downtown L.A. this morning after being caught engaged in a lewd act with... wait for it... (PAUSE FOR EFFECT) a Rhode Island Chicken!

JUDY:
No!

HENRY:
Oh yes, and that's not the worst of it!

JUDY:
Really?

HENRY:
No. Rumour has it that the celebrity in question was... (PAUSE) ...me!

JUDY: (SHOCKED)
What?!

HENRY:
That's right - I f**ked a chicken! Right there on the street! (PAUSE) I'm gonna f**k another one in a minute - do you want to watch?

JUDY SHOOTS AN ANGRY LOOK OFF-CAMERA AS (ON THE MONITOR) HENRY STANDS AND PRODUCES A LIVE CHICKEN.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We'll be right back.

ON THE MONITOR HENRY IS STRUGGLING TO KEEP HOLD OF THE CHICKEN WHILE UNDOING HIS TROUSERS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #2: THE SCHOOL BUS.
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INT. MOVING SCHOOL BUS

THE BUS IS FULL OF CHILDREN AGED AROUND TWELVE YEARS OLD. ALL ARE WEARING MATCHING UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

TIMMY AND ERIC ARE SITTING SIDE BY SIDE, WHILE IN THE SEATS DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THEM ARE MARY AND JOHN.

JOHN TURNS IN HIS SEAT TO TALK TO ERIC.

JOHN:
How come you weren’t at football last night.

ERIC LOOKS AWAY SHEEPISHLY, HIS FACE REDDENING.

TIMMY:
He won’t say.

JOHN:
Why not?

TIMMY SHRUGS.

MARY TURNS IN HER SEAT TO LOOK AT ERIC.

MARY:
Is it a secret?

THE OTHER CHILDREN ON THE BUS ARE SUDDENLY CURIOUS.

CHILD #1:
Is what a secret?

CHILD#2:
Who's got a secret?

CHILD #1:
Him over there.

CHILD #3:
What is it?

CHILD #4:
I don't know, he won't say!

CHILD #3:
Why wont he say?!

Child #5:
Is it dirty?

AS THE OTHER CHILDREN CONTINUE TO PRESS THE MATTER, ERIC BECOMES ANGRIER AND ANGRIER, UNTIL AT LAST HE CAN TAKE IT NO MORE AND LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

ERIC: (SHOUTING TO ALL)
Alright fine! I’ll tell you – alright!?

THE OTHER CHILDREN FALL SILENT.

ERIC:
If you must know I had my first period -okay!? There, I said it! I'm on the rag! Happy now?!

ERIC SITS DOWN HARD IN HIS SEAT AND FOLDS HIS ARMS SULKILY.

THE OTHER CHILDREN ARE STUNNED AND SETTLE BACK INTO THEIR SEATS UNCOMFORTABLY.

MARY AND JOHN TURN BACK AROUND TO FACE THE FRONT OF THE BUS AS ERIC STARES OUT OF THE WINDOW SADLY.

AFTER A WHILE, MARY CAN HOLD HER CURIOSITY NO MORE AND TURNS TO QUIETLY ASK ERIC A QUESTION.

MARY:
What’s it like?

ERIC THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

ERIC:
Lumpy.

MARY NODS SLOWLY.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch 3: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 1
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OPENING CREDITS FOR THE NINE O’CLOCK NEWS.

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS SITTING FORMALLY BEHIND THE NEWS-DESK SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.

HE NOTICES THE CAMERA, PUTS DOWN THE PAPERS AND SUDDENLY BECOMES OVER-EFFEMINATE.

NEWSREADER:
Ooh hello, you'll never guess what happened to Tony Blair today. Go on - have a guess. No? Well I'll tell you - He's only gone and signed a new trade agreement with Sweden!!

HE CLAPS HIS HANDS TO HIS FACE IN MOCK SURPRISE.

NEWSREADER:
I know!!! He's off his head! ... But listen, you can't tell anybody - okay? This is just between you and me.

THE NEWSREADER WINKS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #4: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 2.
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White to find out the latest gossip from Hollywood.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HENRY, SITTING IN FRONT OF A MOCK HOLLYWOOD HILLS BACKDROP.

JUDY: (TO MONITOR)
Henry, I hear you've got something juicy for us.

HENRY:
Indeed I have Judy, a little birdie told me that a certain celebrity TV presenter from the U of K got himself involved in what we call an ‘orgy’ last night…

JUDY LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.

HENRY: (CONT’D)
…and apparently he was spotted taking numerous illegal substances while indulging in what can only be described as a multi-sexual slop-out!

JUDY IS CLEARLY ANNOYED.

JUDY:
And was that celebrity YOU Henry?

HENRY: (EXCITED)
Yes! Yes it was! (PAUSE) It was great!!

JUDY TURNS TO FACE THE CAMERA AND OPENS HER MOUTH TO SPEAK.

HENRY:
I’m doing it again tonight!

JUDY: (ANGRILY)
Thank you Henry White from Hollywood. Up next - cooking with Kirsty.

HENRY:
Anyone fancy a blumpy?

JUDY TRIES TO FORCE A SMILE.

JUDY:
We’ll be right back.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #5 : ONE STEP AHEAD.
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INT. CAFE

MAUREEN THE MARVELOUS IS SITTING AT A TABLE BY THE WINDOW DRINKING COFFEE.

THE WAITRESS (JANET) IS CLEANING DOWN THE COUNTER.

EDNA WALKS PAST THE WINDOW IN A HURRY, SEES MAUREEN AND DOUBLES BACK TO ENTER THE CAFE.

EDNA HURRIES TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN FACING MAUREEN, EAGER TO SHARE HER NEWS.

EDNA:
You'll never guess who...

MAUREEN:
Henry Jackson.

EDNA IS MOMENTARILY SURPRISED.

EDNA:
Yes, but do you know what he used to put...

MAUREEN:
A turkey baster.

EDNA: (FROWNING)
Ah, but did you hear how far he...

MAUREEN:
Up to the elbow.

EDNA IS CLEARLY ANNOYED.

EDNA:
And his wife was...

MAUREEN:
Three sheets to the wind with her legs in the air.

EDNA:
...while the...

MAUREEN:
Dog licked the juices from her carpet. I know – Janet told me (NODDING TO WAITRESS).

EDNA SCOWLS AT JANET AS SHE APPROACHES THE TABLE WITH A COFFEE POT.

JANET:
Would you like a coffee Edna?

EDNA: (BITTERLY)
No thanks Janet, I'm just leaving.

EDNA STORMS OUT IN A HUFF.

JANET:
Strange.

SHE REFILLS MAUREEN’S CUP.

JANET: (CONT’D)
Anyway, forgot to ask - how are those psychic lessons going?

MAUREEN SHAKES HER HEAD.

MAUREEN:
Waste of money. (PAUSE) Did you hear about Henry Jackson and his wife?

JANET:
No - what happened?

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW A WOMAN WALKS PAST WITH A LIVE PIG PULLED DOWN OVER HER HEAD, BUT THE STRANGE SIGHT GOES UNNOTICED BY THE WOMEN IN THE CAFE.

FADE OUT:

END.

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Sketch #6: BRENDA’S FIRST DAY
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EXT. SCHOOL PLAYING FIELDS.

A GROUP OF TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRLS ARE SAT ON THE GRASS IN A SEMI-CIRCLE. ALL ARE WEARING MATCHING SCHOOL UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

AMONGST THE GIRLS ARE BRENDA, GINA AND FELICITY.

FELICITY: (TO BRENDA)
So how are you liking your first day?

BRENDA:
It’s been okay.

GINA:
Who’s your form teacher?

BRENDA:
Mrs. Grey.

GINA:
Oh she’s nice.

ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS NOTICES SOMETHING OFF-CAMERA.

OTHER GIRL #1:
Oh great! Here comes Jessy.

THE REST OF THE GIRLS LOOK OFF-CAMERA AND GROAN IN UNISON.

BRENDA:
Who's Jessy?

FELICITY:
She’s the school’s gossip monster. She’s into everybody's business.

OTHER GIRL #1:
She looks like she's got some big news.

GINA:
She's always got big news.

OTHER GIRL #2:
She’s a big girl.

JESSY COMES STUMBLING INTO VIEW, OUT OF BREATH, AND FALLS TO HER KNEES IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS.

JESSY STARTS SPEAKING AT AN ALARMING RATE, HER PITCH RISING RAPIDLY WITH EACH HURRIED WORD.

JESSY:
You’ll never guess what happened it’s amazing I’ve just seen Mrs. Pink and you won’t believe what she’s gone and done it defies explanation you have to see it with your own eyes do you want me to tell you what happened it’s incredible just listen to…

JESSY’S PITCH AND WORDS BECOME INCOHERENT AS THE EXCITEMENT OF THE NEWS OVERTAKES HER.

SHE SUDDENLY EXPLODES, SHOWERING THE GIRLS WITH INNARDS AND BLOOD.

BRENDA IS IN SHOCK AS SHE LOOKS TO THE FLESH AND GORE COVERING HER UNIFORM. A LARGE PIECE OF JESSY IS STUCK TO HER CHIN.

FELICITY PICKS THE MEAT FROM BRENDA’S CHIN AND SMOOTHES HER HAIR.

FELICITY:
You’ll get used to that.

GINA: (TO BRENDA)
Have you been in the library yet?

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #7: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 3
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White to find out the latest gossip from Hollywood.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HENRY, SITTING IN FRONT OF A MOCK HOLLYWOOD HILLS BACKDROP.

JUDY:
Now Henry, do you have any gossip about celebrities who aren't you?

HENRY:
Yes I do Judy, I've got a really juicy story about Tom Cruise.

JUDY SIGHS WITH RELIEF

HENRY:
As you know Tom Cruise recently received a record two-hundred million dollars to appear in the recently completed sequel to top-gun - cleverly entitled Top Gun three.
.
JUDY:
Yes?

HENRY:
Well, last night I was invited to a preview screening of the movie.

JUDY:
Really! And was it any good?

HENRY:
I'm not sure - I got thrown out for having a w*nk.

JUDY ANGRILY TURNS TO CAMERA.

HENRY:
Had to finish myself off in the foyer.

JUDY:
We’ll be right back.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch#8: SHOP GIRLS PART 1.
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INT. NEWSAGENTS.

FREDA IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER DRINKING COFFEE. KERRY’S IS NERVOUSLY LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

FREDA:
Shouldn’t you be at the opticians?

KERRY:
I’m not going yet! Death Bed Jimmy’s out there!

FREDA:
I thought he was down at the hospital visiting Dodgy Bill?

KERRY:
He died this morning.

FREDA:
Already? Jimmy’s only been to see him twice!

KERRY:
I know – he’s on a roll!

FREDA:
Well you just wait ‘til he’s gone then. I need you to stack the shelves later.

KERRY GOES AROUND THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP HER COFFEE.

KERRY:
You know, when I went in to get my farmers popped I had nightmares about Death-bed Jimmy coming to visit me.

FREDA:
I know what you mean, he’s like the angel of death in a tank-top. I was having a hot flush one day and he knocked on the kitchen window – I nearly crapped myself!

KERRY:
What did he want?

FREDA:
He just came round to tell me who died that week, still scared the Maltesers out of me though!

KERRY:
It’s a bit odd when you think about it.

FREDA:
What?

KERRY:
Well, if everybody he visits in hospital dies, why don’t the hospital just stop him from visiting people?

FREDA:
You’re kidding! They love him down there, he clears a bed a week – two in winter! They’ve even started putting his name on the death certificate.

KERRY:
Yeah, right.

FREDA:
Honestly! Cause of death – friend of Jimmy Collins.

KERRY: (GIGGLING)
Famous last words, (FEIGNING FEAR) those grapes aren’t for me are they Jimmy?

BOTH WOMEN BURST INTO LAUGHTER.

THE SHOP-DOOR OPENS AND DEATH BED JIMMY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

DEATH BED JIMMY:
Have you got any beans?

BOTH WOMEN SCREAM LOUDLY AND DUCK DOWN BEHIND THE COUNTER.

CUT TO:

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Sketch #9: NAME DROPPING.
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EXT. PARK/BENCH.

TWO ALSATIANS ARE SITTING ON THE BENCH WEARING HUMAN CLOTHES.

DOG #1 IS READING A NEWSPAPER. DOG#2 IS WATCHING SOMETHING OFF-CAMERA.

DOG#1:
I see that Madonna's bought another baby.

DOG#2:
Another one! My god, she doesn’t half go though ‘em.

DOG #1 NODS.

DOG#1:
You know… I sniffed her bum once.

DOG#2:
Yeah?

DOG#1 NODS.

DOG#2:
And?

DOG #1 TAKES A MOMENT TO REMEMBER.

DOG#1:
Smelled like sh*t.

DOG#2:
Nice.

DOG #2 IS DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING OUT OF VIEW.

DOG#1: (SHOUTING OFF-CAMERA)
Hey! Pack it in!

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK/GRASS.

TWO NAKED MEN ARE DOWN ON ALL FOURS BY A TREE.

MAN #1 IS TRYING TO MOUNT MAN#2.

DOG#1: (O.O.V.)
Don’t make me come over there!

MAN#1 SKULKS AWAY.

MAN#2 LIFTS HIS LEG AND PEES AGAINST THE TREE.

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. PARK/BENCH.

DOG#1 IS LOOKING ANGRILY OFF CAMERA.

DOG#2:
You should get him neutered.

DOG ONE HOLDS UP THE PAPER.

DOG#1:
He’d only adopt.

DOG#2 NODS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch#10: SIZE MATTERS
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INT. WORKS CANTEEN.

THE CANTEEN IS FULL OF OFFICE WORKERS SELECTING AND ENJOYING THEIR LUNCH.

JULIE AND SARAH HAVE JUST PAID FOR THEIR TRAYS OF FOOD AND ARE LOOKING FOR A SEAT.

DESPITE HER SLENDER BUILD, JULIE WADDLES WHEN SHE WALKS.

A HANDSOME MAN WALKS PAST THE TWO, MAKING SARAH SMILE.

SARAH:
He’s nice.

JULIE:
Gay.

SARAH:
Who told you that?!

JULIE:
Mike from finance.

SARAH:
Really? I’d never have guessed.

SARAH INDICATES ANOTHER MAN.

SARAH: (CONT’D)
What about him, is he single?

JULIE:
Yeah, but he’s got a very tiny penis.

SARAH:
No!

JULIE:
Yep. It’s like a lonely goose-bump.

SARAH:
How do you know?!

JULIE:
Debbie from accounting got him in the cupboard at the Christmas do.

SARAH:
She’s married!

JULIE:
I know.

THE TWO FIND A TABLE AND SET THEIR TRAYS DOWN.

SARAH: (INDICATING A NEARBY MAN)
What about Fred?

JULIE:
Fred? Now he’s the opposite. He’s got a massive willy. TOO big in fact.

SARAH:
I didn’t think there was such a thing!

JULIE:
Apparently there is.

SARAH STUDIES THE MAN AS SHE TAKES TO HER SEAT.

SARAH:
How big can it be?

JULIE:
Like a leg without a foot.

SARAH:
Nooo! Who told you that?!

JULIE OPENS HER HANDBAG AND PULLS OUT AN INFLATED RUBBER RING.

JULIE:
I can’t remember.

JULIE PUTS THE RING ON HER SEAT AND PAINFULLY TRIES TO SIT DOWN.

FADE OUT:

END.

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Sketch #11: TEACHER’S PET
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INT. CLASSROOM.

THE CLASSROOM IS HALF FULL OF PUPILS. ALL ARE WEARING MATCHING UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

MORE PUPILS ARE FILING IN AND TAKING TO THEIR SEATS.

HOLLY ENTERS LOOKING AROUND IN EXCITEMENT AND APPROACHES A GIRL NAMED MEREDITH.

HOLLY:
Is Mrs. Pink here yet?

MEREDITH:
No she's not - why.

HOLLY:
Oh man! Didn't you hear?

MEREDITH:
Hear what?

HOLLY:
What happened?

MEREDITH:
No, what happened?

HOLLY:
You don't know?

MEREDITH:
No - I don't know. What happened?

HOLLY:
Have a guess?

MEREDITH:
Just tell me?

HOLLY:
Have a guess? You'll never get it!

MEREDITH:
So what's the point in guessing?!

HOLLY:
To see if you can.

MEREDITH:
Can what?

HOLLY:
Guess what happened?

MEREDITH:
What happened?

HOLLY:
Guess?

MEREDITH:
Guess what?!

HOLLY: (FROWNING)
What?

MEREDITH:
No, I mean - what happened?

HOLLY:
Who to?

MEREDITH:
Mrs. Pink!

HOLLY:
Oh wow - yeah! You'll never guess.

MEREDITH THROWS HER HANDS UP IN EXASPERATION.

MEREDITH:
Right! That's it - I don't care anymore.

SHE TAKES TO HER SEAT.

HOLLY:
Go on, have a guess!

MEREDITH:
I don't want to know.

HOLLY:
Alright I'll tell you, she...

MEREDITH HOLDS UP HER HAND TO SILENCE HOLLY.

MEREDITH:
Too late. I don’t want to know.

HOLLY:
But!

MEREDITH:
Nope!

HOLLY SULKILY SITS AT THE DESK IN FRONT OF MEREDITH.

HOLLY:
You'll find out when she...

MEREDITH:
Shhh!

HOLLY:
You'd never have guessed anyway, you’re just…

MEREDITH:
Shhh!!

THE SOUND OF HIGH HEELS APPROACHING SENDS ALL THE CHILDREN RUSHING TO THEIR DESKS.

MRS. PINK ENTERS AND THE CHILDREN ALL GASP IN HORROR.

SHE IS WEARING A LIVE PIG LIKE A BALACLAVA, HER HEAD STUCK UP IT’S RECTUM ALL THE WAY TO HER NECK.

MRS. PINK BOUNCES OFF THE WALLS TRYING TO FIND HER DESK.

THE CHILDREN ALL LOOK SHOCKED, AS DOES THE PIG.

HOLLY TURNS IN HER SEAT SMUGLY.

HOLLY: (TO MEREDITH)
Told you.

MEREDITH’S MOUTH IS AGAPE.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #12: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 2
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INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS GLANCING OVER HIS NOTES.

NEWSREADER: (TO CAMERA)
Did you hear what that George Bush said about carbon emissions?! What a bitch! Mind you, he’s no room to talk, it says here that the he’s planning to greatly decrease the trading laws governing independent oil refineries and reduce the limitations placed upon the use of hazardous material in chemical plants throughout the USA, thus further damaging the environment and causing greater risk of ill-health to those who work in the industry. (PAUSE) The two faced cow.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #13: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 4
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White who’s apparently live in London where a news story is just breaking.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HYDE PARK, WHERE HENRY IS ON ALL FOURS IN A TIN BATH FULL OF BEANS WRESTLING A LARGE PIG.

HE IS WEARING NOTHING OTHER THAN A PAIR OF BLACK LEATHER BRIEFS AND COWBOY BOOTS.

HENRY CONTINUES TO WRESTLE THE PIG AS HE TALKS TO JUDY.

HENRY:
Hello Judy! Rumour has it that one of the UK's top TV entertainers has apparently lost his mind and is currently wrestling a pig in a pool of baked beans somewhere in Hyde Park! I can't reveal the name but I can assure you - it's not me.

JUDY GROWLS.

JUDY:
Henry – it is you. I can see you.

HENRY:
No you can't.

JUDY.
Henry, I can see you wrestling the pig right now and it’s disgusting!

HENRY STOPS WRESTLING THE PIG FOR A MOMENT AND GIGGLES.

HENRY:
All right – you’ve got me. I’m the pig wrestler, but this is nothing! You should see what I’m going to do when I’ve got her subdued!

HENRY LOOKS TO SOMEBODY OFF CAMERA.

HENRY:
It IS a she isn’t it?

HENRY CLEARLY DOESN’T LIKE THE ANSWER HE RECEIVES. HE LET’S GO OF THE PIG AND STANDS.

HENRY: (TO JUDY)
Well Judy I've just found out that the pig is in fact male, so it looks like I'm going to need some sort of lubricant (PAUSE) We'll be right back.

HENRY STOMPS OFF.

JUDY LOOKS TO THE CAMERA IN DISBELIEF.

ON THE MONITOR BEHIND HER, THE PIG BEGINS EATING THE BEANS.

FADE OUT.

END.

..............
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Sketch #14: PICKING UP THE PIECES.
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EXT. SCHOOL PLAYING FIELDS.

TWO TEENAGE BOYS ARE SLOWLY WALKING AROUND A SMALL BLOOD SPLATTERED AREA OF THE PLAYING FIELD CARRYING LARGE BASKETS.

THEY ARE WEARING IDENTICAL UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

THE BOYS ARE PICKING UP CHUNKS OF FLESH AND INNARDS RECENTLY EXPLODED FROM A GOSSIPING SCHOOLGIRL.

BOY#1:
How come WE have to pick all this up?

BOY#2:
Because we were late.

BOY#1:
Oh. (PAUSE) Still, it’s not exactly fair is it?

BOY#2:
Could be worse?

BOY#1:
How!

BOY#2:
It could have been Busybody Bernard that exploded. (PAUSE) Besides, we’re nearly done.

BOY#1: (NODDING)
True.

THE BOYS CONTINUE TO PICK UP THE LAST FEW PIECES OF FLESH UNTIL BOY#1 SPOTS SOMEBODY APPROACHING.

BOY#1:
Speak of the devil.

BOY#2 LOOKS UP.

BOY#2:
Oh great. What’s HE want?

BOY#1: (OFF-CAMERA)
Bugger off Bernard.

BERNARD APPEARS AND EAGERLY APPROACHES THE BOYS, A SMUG GRIN ON HIS FACE.

BERNARD: (TAUNTING)
I know something you don’t know! I know something you don’t…

BERNARD SUDDENLY EXPLODES, SHOWERING THE BOYS WITH A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF BLOOD AND BITS.

THE TWO BOYS LOOK DOWN AT THE GORE ON THEIR UNIFORMS.

BOY#1:
We’ll that’s just great! We’ll be here all night now!

THE TWO BOYS SURVEY THE CARNAGE, SHAKE THEIR HEADS THEN START PICKING UP THE PIECES OF BERNARD AND DROPPING THEM IN THEIR BASKETS.

BOY#1: (SULKILY)
I wanted to watch the Judy Vinegar show.

BOY#2:
It’s been cancelled.

BOY#1:
What?! Why?

BOY#2 PERKS UP.

BOY#2:
You mean you don’t know?!

BOY#1:
No, why? What happened?

BOY#2: (EXCITED)
Oh wow! I thought you already knew! Listen to this!

BOY#2 SUDDENLY EXPLODES, SHOWERING BOY#1 WITH A FRESH BLAST OF GORE.

BOY#1 GRUNTS AND DROPS HIS BASKET.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch#15: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 3
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INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS SMILING SECRETIVELY.

NEWSREADER: (TO CAMERA)
You know that John Prescott?

HE LOOKS AROUND DISCREETLY TO CHECK NOBODY ELSE IS LISTENING.

NEWSREADER: (WHISPERING)
Hasn’t he got a fat a*se!

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #16: SHOP-GIRLS PART 2.
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INT. NEWSAGENTS.

KERRY AND FREDA ARE STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER DRINKING COFFEE. KERRY’S EYES ARE REDDENED AND CLEARLY CAUSING HER PAIN.

FREDA:
How are the contact lenses?

KERRY STRUGGLES TO OPEN HER EYES.

KERRY:
Can’t see a bloody thing. (PAUSE) I saw Mrs. Black while I was waiting at the opticians though.

FREDA:
Oh yes, how’s life down on the farm?

KERRY:
Not too good. Her cows are so old now that they’re starting to produce powdered milk, her bull’s impotent, her dog’s moved out and bought a place in the city, her husband spontaneously combusted and to top it off somebody’s stolen her prize pig.

FREDA:
You’re joking! Does she know who took it?

KERRY:
No, but the police are looking into it.

FREDA:
She wants to be careful.

KERRY:
Why?

FREDA:
They might find her stash.

KERRY:
What stash?!

FREDA:
Her marijuana.

KERRY: (SHOCKED)
No! I didn’t know she was a pot head!

FREDA:
Oh come on – you must have!

KERRY:
I had no idea!

FREDA:
Well, she definitely is.

KERRY:
Wow.

FREDA TAKES A SIP OF HER COFFEE AS KERRY PONDERS THE REVELATION.

FREDA:
What was she doing in the opticians anyway? Her vision’s 20/20.

KERRY:
Oh, she was eating all the bifocals.

THE SHOP DOOR OPENS AND HENRY WHITE ENTERS WEARING NOTHING BUT A PAIR OF BLACK LEATHER BRIEFS, COWBOY BOOTS AND A LAYER OF BEAN JUICE.

FREDA WATCHES IN STUNNED DISBELIEF AS HE APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

KERRY: (SQUINTING)
Hello there, what can I get for you?

HENRY:
A tube of lubricant please.

EYES STILL BLURRY, KERRY FEELS AROUND THE SHELF BEHIND THE COUNTER AND RETRIEVES A SMALL TUBE FOR HENRY.

KERRY:
Two pounds please.

HENRY PULLS A FIVE POUND NOT FROM HIS BRIEFS AND DROPS IT INTO KERRY’S HAND.

HENRY:
Keep the change.

HENRY EXITS IN A HURRY.

KERRY PUTS THE MONEY IN THE TILL.

KERRY:
That was nice of him.

THE SHOP DOOR SWINGS CLOSED.

FREDA: (STILL STUNNED)
That was Henry White!

KERRY:
What – him off the telly?!

FREDA:
Yeah!

KERRY:
You should have asked for his autograph!

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #17: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 5.
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA SOBBING SOFTLY.

A NUMBER OF TECHNICIANS ARE CLUMSILY DISMANTLING THE SET.

SHE DESPERATELY GRABS THE ARM OF THE NEAREST TECHNICIAN.

JUDY: (PLEADING)
What’s a blumpy?

THE TECHNICIAN SHRUGS HER OFF.

TECHNICIAN:
You don’t want to know love.

JUDY:
I do! Please – just tell me!!

IGNORING JUDY, THE TECHNICIAN PICKS UP THE MONITOR AND EXITS.

JUDY:
Please!

JUDY BEGINS SOBBING AGAIN.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #18: WHAT WILL FLY?
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

A DOCTOR (JAMES) IS BENT OVER PEEKING THROUGH A GAP IN THE DOOR OF AN EXAMINATION ROOM.

ON THE WALL BY THE DOOR IS A TELEPHONE.

LYNDA STEPS UP BEHIND JAMES HOLDING A BROWN PAPER BAG.

LYNDA:
James Pink! Just what do you think you’re doing?!

JAMES JUMPS AND TURNS TO FACE HIS WIFE.

JAMES:
Oh! Hello dear – you made me jump. Shouldn’t you be at school?

LYNDA HOLDS UP THE BAG.

LYNDA:
I thought I’d drop your lunch off, but apparently you’re too busy being a pervert. Would you like me to call back when you’ve emptied your marble-sack?

JAMES LOOKS BACK AT THE EXAM ROOM DOOR.

JAMES:
Oh that! No, it’s not what you think! There’s a celebrity in there!

LYNDA:
Oh right, and you just couldn’t wait to be first with all the gossip. Honestly James, you’re worse than a woman sometimes.

SHE THRUSTS THE SANDWICHES INTO HIS HANDS.

JAMES:
Yeah, but listen – it’s that Henry White off the telly.

LYNDA:
I don’t care! I’ve got a class to teach.

JAMES:
Wait listen, you have to hear this – he covered his winky in superglue and stuck it up a pig’s bum!

LYNDA:
Did you just say winky? For God’s sake James you’re a doctor!

JAMES:
That’s not all! The pig just ate a bath of baked beans and now it’s ready to blow!

LYNDA:
James, this gossip mongering has got to stop! You’re a grown man!

JAMES:
You should see it – it’s blown up to the size of a cow! (EXCITEDLY) It might pop!

LYNDA:
Right! I’m going! If your gossip is more important than our…

SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOUD BANG FOLLOWED BY A STRAINED FARTING NOISE.

THE EXAM ROOM DOOR SHATTERS AS A RAPIDLY DEFLATING PIG BLASTS THROUGH, BOUNCES AROUND THE CORRIDOR, REBOUNDS OFF THE WALL AND SLAMS DOWN ANUS FIRST OVER LYNDA’S HEAD.

THE PIG SQUEALS WITH DISCOMFORT AS LYNDA STAGGERS AROUND, UNABLE TO SEE.

JAMES STARES ON IN AMAZEMENT.

ALTHOUGH HER VOICE IS TOO MUFFLED TO HEAR, IT IS CLEAR SHE WANTS JAMES TO HELP.

JAMES QUICKLY REACHES FOR THE PHONE AND DIALS.

JAMES: (INTO PHONE)
Terry? You’ll never guess what’s just happened?

JAMES SUDDENLY EXPLODES, COVERING THE CORRIDOR..

THE NOISE STARTLES LYNDA BUT SHE CANNOT DETERMINE WHERE IT CAME FROM.

SHE RAISES HER WATCH TO WHERE HER FACE USED TO BE AND MIMES THE REALIZATION THAT SHE IS LATE.

SHE STAGGERS OFF DOWN THE CORRIDOR, BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS ALL THE WAY.

MOMENTS AFTER SHE IS GONE, DEATH BED JIMMY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS AND SLIPS IN JAMES’S GIBLETS, FALLS ON HIS FACE AND KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT.

FADE OUT.

END.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sketch 19: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 4
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS SITTING FORMALLY BEHIND THE NEWS-DESK SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.

NEWSREADER:
I’m off to the shops now, but before I go it’s time to check in with Maureen the Marvelous for the weather.

THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW THAT MAUREEN IS STANDING IN-FRONT OF A MAP OF THE UK BESIDE THE NEWS-DESK HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE.

NEWSREADER: (TO MAUREEN)
Hey Maureen, you’ll never guess who…

MAUREEN:
Mrs. Pink.

NEWSREADER:
Yeah, but do you know what…

MAUREEN:
A farty pig.

NEWSREADER:
Ah, but do you know why it…

MAUREEN:
Because it’s bum was plugged with a celebrity winky.

THE NEWSREADER FOLDS HIS ARMS SULKILY AND TURNS AWAY IN A HUFF.

NEWSREADER: (TO CAMERA)
I bloody hate gossips.

HE SHOOTS MAUREEN A DIRTY LOOK.

FADE OUT.

END.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sketch #20: ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

THE EXAM ROOM DOOR IS HANGING OFF IT’S HINGES, THE TELEPHONE IS SWINGING LOOSE FROM IT’S CRADLE, THE CORRIDOR IS FULL OF GORE AND DEATH BED JIMMY IS LYING FACE DOWN IN A POOL OF DOCTOR PINK.

HENRY WHITE STEPS SHEEPISHLY OUT OF THE EXAM ROOM WEARING NOTHING BUT HIS COWBOY BOOTS.

HE SURVEYS THE MESS AND SPOTS DEATH BED JIMMY LYING ON THE FLOOR.

HENRY SMILES AN EVIL GRIN AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET.

HE PULLS A SMALL TUBE FROM HIS POCKET, CHECKS NOBODY IS WATCHING AND BEGINS TRYING TO PULL DOWN HENRY’S PANTS.

FADE OUT.

END.

The Second Annual Comedy Event For Charity: Update

2007-03-04T14:23:00.001-08:00

The Second Annual Comedy Event for Charity: Update

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The Pet Care Emporium

2007-03-02T13:37:00.000-08:00

BEHIND THE MUSIC: The life of Yielding Insanity

2007-02-25T14:57:00.000-08:00

CHAPTER ONE: Yelly-baby’s first step.

On the 3^rd of April 1971 in the working class town of Blackburn Lancashire Father G. Gibbons opened the door of the St. Judas orphanage to find yet another abandoned baby sitting on the doorstep. This was the fourth baby in as many days - an obvious result of the infamous Mungo Jerry concert at King George’s Hall nine months earlier, which you may remember rapidly descended into an orgy of lust when one of Mr Jerry’s stage technician accidentally electrocuted Mungo’s nuclear powered cod-piece and sent radioactive bursts of hot man-love pulsing through the audience. In total Mungo’s electro-spunk impregnated fourteen women on that fateful night, six of which abandoned their babies outside the St. Judas orphanage - but the child Father Gibbon’s found that morning was not the son of Mungo Jerry, this baby did not fly from the supercharged todger of a fly-by-night pop star, this child’s origins were much, much stranger.

The only link to the possible identity of the infant’s parents was in the strange item of clothing found wrapped around the child. It was a simple and quite common adults teddy-bear costume, one that you might find in any fancy-dress emporium, except that on the inside label of the costume somebody had written two seemingly random words – Yielding Insanity. It was estimated that young Yielding was approximately two days old when found and so (with a hint of irony) it was decided that the child’s official birth date would be the first of April.

Very little is known of Yielding’s childhood. Although he kept a daily journal Yielding has refused to disclose any facts about his youth, except to say that he was never adopted and was rarely seen by the other children at the orphanage, instead preferring to spend his time in deep conversation and theological discussions with the nuns who lived in the neighbouring convent. One fellow orphan who had heard about Yielding was Henry White…

‘The guy had a dog’s head! I couldn’t believe it. Not that I ever saw him though, I mean, we all knew he was there but Father Gibbon’s kept him locked in the garden shed so we didn’t really cross paths. One morning when I was cleaning out Sister Magdelaine’s colostomy bag I saw that the shed door was open and decided to have a look inside. It was amazing, the walls were full of these weird drawings and they had notes pinned all over them full of poetry and half-written stories – the drawings weren’t very good and the poetry sucked but it was still pretty impressive for a guy who could lick his own testicles if he wanted.’

While former orphan James Bellamy recalls a more sinister encounter…

I actually saw him a couple of times, the first time I was masturbating in the cabbage patch when he walked up behind me and asked me what I was doing. I’d never seen him before and the sight of a small boy with a big fat dog’s head scared the crap out of me, so I ran back into the orphanage with my pants around my ankles, screaming like a little girl. Unfortunately I ran straight into Sister Magdelaine and accidentally popped her bag with my pointy willy - which got me in a lot of trouble.

After that I kind of held a grudge so I stole a dog-whistle from a local Gypsy and started blowing it every time I went into the garden. He’d come running out of the shed howling like a wolf trapped in a testicle-vice and start rolling around the floor in agony, which was really funny to watch.

I kept this up for a couple of weeks and then one morning I woke up and I couldn’t find the whistle... and I had trouble sitting down. I found a couple of hairs in my room that pretty much proved it was the dog-boy, but Father Gibbons refused to listen and the theft went unpunished. I saw him one more time – later that day – and then I never saw him again. It was strange, I’d been suffering from an upset stomach all day and as I was walking through the garden I let out a long but silent fart, moments later the shed door burst open and dog-boy came running out, howling like a banshee and rolling around the floor in agony. I decided then that I wasn’t going to tease him anymore.

Yielding stayed at the orphanage until he reached the age of eighteen. On the first of April 1989 Yielding donned the suit he was found in, packed up his belongings and stepped out into the big bad world.

Big Love!

2007-02-23T16:43:00.000-08:00

Big Love

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Which came first?

2007-02-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

The Shoplifter

2007-02-21T13:39:00.000-08:00

EXT. SUPERMARKET.

A LARGE MAN EXITS THE STORE WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE SEVERAL LARGE BULKY OBJECTS UNDER HIS JUMPER AND DOWN HIS TROUSERS.

A SECURITY GUARD STEPS OUT AND STOPS THE MAN.

SECURITY GUARD:
Excuse me sir, would you mind stepping back into the store a moment.

EMBARRASSED AND AT A LOSS, THE MAN IS LED BACK INSIDE.

CUT TO:

INT. SECURITY OFFICE.

THE SECURITY GUARD AND STORE MANAGER ARE SITTING WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN.

THE LARGE MAN HAS BEEN STRIPPED DOWN TO HIS BOXER SHORTS AND IS STANDING BEFORE THEM.

HIS NAKEDNESS REVEALS THAT THE LUMPS AND CORNERS BENEATH HIS CLOTHES WERE ACTUALLY THE NATURAL SHAPE OF HIS STRANGE BODY.

LARGE MAN:
Can I go home now?

THE TWO MEN REMAIN MESMERIZED BY THE UNGODLY SHAPE BEFORE THEM.

WITHOUT AVERTING HIS GAZE, THE GUARD DISCREETLY REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE.

HE SNAPS A QUICK PICTURE OF THE LARGE SEMI-NAKED MAN AND PUTS THE PHONE DISCREETLY BACK IN HIS POCKET.

THE LARGE LUMPY MAN SIGHS.

FADE OUT.

END.

Bob's Corner Shop

2007-02-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

SKETCH #1:

INT. CORNER SHOP

BOB IS SITTING BEHIND THE COUNTER READING AN ADULT MAGAZINE.

A MAN APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

MAN:
20 cigarettes please.

BOB NODS AND EXITS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP.

THE MAN WAITS PATIENTLY.

BOB APPEARS AGAIN WEARING A FULL BODY RADIATION SUIT AND CARRYING A LITTER PICKER.

BOB LIFTS A SILVER CASE UP ONTO THE COUNTER, CAREFULLY OPENS IT AND STEPS BACK.

INSIDE THE BOX IS A SINGLE PACKET OF CIGARETTES HELD IN PLACE BY STYROFOAM.

WITH TREMBLING HANDS, BOB CAREFULLY USES THE LITTER-PICKER TO PICK UP THE CIGARETTES AND HOLD THEM OUT FOR THE MAN.

THE MAN TAKES A STEP BACK, NOW SCARED AND WARY.

BOB:
Take them! For god’s sake just take them! I’ve got children!

THE MAN TAKES A COUPLE OF CAUTIONARY STEPS BACKWARDS, TURNS AND FLEES THE STORE.

BOB TAKES OFF THE HOOD OF THE SUIT, OPENS THE CIGARETTES AND LIGHTS ONE UP, THEN SITS BACK DOWN TO READ HIS MAGAZINE.

BOB: (TO SELF)
Bloody smokers.

FADE OUT.

END.

SKETCH #2:

INT. CORNER SHOP

BOB IS SITTING BEHIND THE COUNTER READING AN ADULT MAGAZINE.

A WOMAN ENTERS, PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER AND DROPS IT ON THE COUNTER.

BOB SIGHS, PICKS UP THE NEWSPAPER AND EXITS TO THE BACK ROOM.

THE WOMAN WAITS PATIENTLY.

THERE IS THE SOUND OF A TOILET FLUSHING AND BOB REAPPEARS WITH THE PAPER, WHICH IS NOW CRUMPLED UP IN HIS HAND.

GRIMACING, HE SNIFFS THE NEWSPAPER THEN HOLDS IT OUT TO THE WOMAN.

THE WOMAN BACKS AWAY WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HER FACE.

BOB:
Do you want it or not?

WOMAN:
No I do not!

THE WOMAN TURNS AND STORMS OUT OF THE SHOP.

BOB:
Bloody tourists.

BOB SITS DOWN AND RETURNS TO HIS MAGAZINE.

FADE OUT.

END.

SKETCH #3:

INT. CORNER SHOP

BOB IS SITTING BEHIND THE COUNTER READING AN ADULT MAGAZINE.

A SMALL BOY ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

BOY:
A quarter of pear-drops please.

BOB SIGHS, STANDS, PICKS UP A SMALL PAPER BAG AND PUTS IT OPEN ON THE COUNTER.

BOB TAKES DOWN THE JAR OF PEAR-DROPS AND OPENS IT.

BOB LIFTS THE JAR AND POURS THE CONTENTS INTO HIS OPEN MOUTH, MANY OF THE PEAR-DROPS FALLING TO THE FLOOR.

HIS MOUTH FULL, BOB PUTS DOWN THE JAR AND BEGINS SPITTING PEAR DROPS ONE BY ONE INTO THE OPEN PAPER BAG.

THE SMALL BOY BURSTS INTO TEARS AND RUNS FROM THE SHOP.

BOB SITS DOWN AND RETURNS TO HIS MAGAZINE.

BOB:
Bloody kids.

FADE OUT.

END.

The shopping list

2007-02-21T13:33:00.000-08:00

INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM.

THE DOOR OPENS AND RON ENTERS DRUNK WITH A PROSTITUTE ON HIS ARM AND A GOAT ON A LEASH.

WIFE: (O.O.V. FROM KITCHEN)
Where have you been? You were only supposed to be getting a loaf - you’ve been gone for ages!

RON SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD.

RON: (TO SELF)
A loaf!

RON TURNS AND LEADS THE PROSTITUTE AND GOAT BACK OUT OF THE DOOR, CLOSING IT BEHIND HIM.

FADE OUT.

END.

Telesales

2007-02-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

INT. TELESALES OFFICE

THE CAMERA PANS ALONG THE LONG ROW OF CUBICLES. IN EACH ONE SITS A TIRED AND UNKEMPT SALESMAN/WOMAN TRYING WITHOUT SUCCESS TO SELL THEIR PRODUCT OVER THE PHONE. EACH ONE SIGHING WITH GREAT SADNESS WHEN THEIR POTENTIAL CUSTOMER HANGS UP.

SALES OP#1: (INTO PHONE)
Hello, I was wondering if I could have a couple of seconds of your time to talk about… (CLICK)

SALES OP#2: (INTO PHONE)
Yes, well, I’m very sorry to have disturbed you sir, but I’m sure once you hear the wonderful bargain we have to offer… (CLICK)

SALES OP#3: (INTO PHONE)
No sir, my mother never did that with a chicken, but I’m sure she would have if she’d heard about our wonderful… (CLICK)

THE CAMERA CONTINUES PAST SEVERAL MORE THEN STOPS AT TERRANCE’S CUBICLE.

TERRANCE IS HOLDING THE PHONE WITH TREMBLING HANDS, HIS EYES WIDE WITH EXCITEMENT.

TERRANCE: (INTO PHONE)
Yes sir. Yes sir and… thank you. No, really – thank you. Yes. Goodbye.

TERRANCE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND STARES AT IT IN DISBELIEF.

TERRANCE: (TO SELF)
I sold one.

TERRANCE LOOKS AROUND IN DISBELIEF.

TERRANCE:
I sold one!

A SALES-OP POPS HIS HEAD OVER THE CUBICAL WALL.

SALES OP# 4:
What?!

TERRANCE:
I sold one! I actually sold one!

A NUMBER OF OTHER SALES-OPS STAND UP TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

SALES OP#5:
What’s going on?

SALES OP#4:
He sold one!

SALES OP#6:
Who sold one?!

SALES OP#5:
Terry!

THE SALES-OPS ALL GET UP TO CONGRATULATE TERRY, THEY PAT HIM ON THE BACK AND SHAKE HIS HAND, ASKING HOW IT FEELS AND HOW HE MANAGED IT ETC.

THE BOSS POPS HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS OFFICE.

BOSS:
What’s going on?

SALES OP#2:
Terry sold one!

THE BOSS’S JAW DROPS OPEN AND A TEAR FORMS IN HIS EYE.

AFTER A MOMENT, THE BOSS STRIDES OVER TO TERRY AND THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND HIM.

THE SALES-OPS CHEER, THEN LIFT TERRY ONTO THEIR SHOULDERS AND BEGIN CARRYING HIM FROM THE ROOM.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET.

THE STREETS ARE LINED WITH CHEERING PEOPLE AND OTHERS ARE THROWING TICKER-TAPE FROM THE WINDOWS AS THE SALES-OPS CARRY TERRY DOWN THE STREET.

CUT TO:

INT. AWARD CEREMONY.

HOST:
And the award goes to… Terrance Biggs!

THE AUDIENCE CHEER AS TERRY TAKES TO THE STAGE AND ACCEPTS HIS AWARD.

CUT TO:

EXT. 10 DOWNING STREET.

TERRY IS SHAKING THE HAND OF THE P.M. AND POSING FOR PHOTOGRAPHS.

CUT TO:

INT. ST. PAUL’S CATHEDRAL.

TERRY IS KNEELING BEFORE THE QUEEN BEING KNIGHTED.

FADE TO BLACK.

CUT TO:

EXT. VATICAN BALCONY

TERRY AND THE POPE ARE WAVING TO THE CROWDS.

CUT TO:

INT. TELESALES OFFICE

TERRY IS WAKING FROM HIS DAYDREAM.

WITH A HEAVY SIGH HE PUTS THE TELEPHONE TO HIS EAR AND PRESSES A BUTTON.

TERRY: (INTO PHONE)

Hello there, I was hoping you’d have the time to discuss a wonderful opportunity that would…(CLICK)

TERRY SIGHS AND PRESSES THE BUTTON AGAIN.

TERRY: (INTO PHONE)

Hello there, I was hoping you’d have the time…

FADE OUT.

END.

Customer Service

2007-02-21T13:26:00.000-08:00

INT. ELECTRICAL SHOP.

JIM IS LOOKING AT A ROW OF MICROWAVE OVENS ON A LOW SHELF.

A SHOP ASSISTANT SLOWLY AND CREEPILY PEEKS HIS HEAD OVER THE SHELF, SMILING AT JIM.

ASSISTANT #1:
Can I help you sir?

JIM:

No thanks, I’m just browsing.

STILL SMILING, THE ASSISTANT SLOWLY LOWERS HIS HEAD BACK BEHIND THE SHELF.

JIM TURNS AND IS STARTLED BY A SHOP ASSISTANT STANDING IMMEDIATELY BEHIND HIM.

ASSISTANT #2:
Are you sure sir?

JIM:
Er.. yes, I’m fine.

STILL SMILING, THE SHOPKEEPER FLOATS BACKWARDS, FEET OFF THE GROUND AWAY FROM JIM.

JIM BEGINS TO LOOK WORRIED. HE INSPECTS THE MICROWAVES WHILE KEEPING A WARY EYE ON HIS SURROUNDINGS.

HE OPENS A MICROWAVE DOOR AND LETS OUT A YELP.

INSIDE THE MICROWAVE IS THE HEAD OF A SHOP ASSISTANT.

ASSISTANT’S HEAD:
If you change your mind just let us know.

TERRIFIED NOW, JIM BEGINS BACKING OUT OF THE STORE.

AN ASSISTANT STEPS OUT OF A FRIDGE.

ASSISTANT #3:
Our staff are fully trained to deal with your queries.

JIM DODGES ASSISTANT #3 AND RUNS FOR THE DOOR.

ANOTHER ASSISTANT SUDDENLY LEAPS OVER THE SHELVES TO BLOCK JIMS PATH.

ASSISTANT #4:
All our products come with an additional warranty option.

JIM SCREAMS AND RUNS AROUND THE AISLE AND DOWN THE OTHER SIDE.

SHOP ASSISTANTS START CLIMBING UP FROM BEHIND COUNTERS AND LURCHING OUT OF FRIDGES FREEZERS AND WASHING MACHINES.

ASSISTANT #5:
If you can’t see what you’re looking for I can check out the back.

ASSISTANT#6:
We’re having a special on toasters.

ASSISTANT#7:
We’re only here to help sir.

JIM GROWLS, RUNS FOR THE EXIT JUMPING TO THE FLOOR, SLIDING UNDER THE LEGS OF AN ASSISTANT AND OUT OF THE EXIT DOOR, PULLING IT CLOSED BEHIND HIM.

THE ASSISTANTS ALL LET OUT A UNIFIED GROAN OF DISAPPOINTMENT AS JIM CAN BE SEEN THROUGH THE WINDOW RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE.

THE ASSISTANTS BEGIN TO SLOWLY SHUFFLE BACK TO THEIR HIDING PLACES.

FADE OUT.

END.

Help the Aged

2007-02-21T13:25:00.001-08:00

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET.

AN OLD LADY IS SHUFFLING ALONG THE STREET CARRYING SEVERAL SHOPPING BAGS.

ONE OF THE BAGS IS RIPPED AND OCCASIONALLY A SMALL ITEM OF SHOPPING SPILLS OUT UNNOTICED.

A YOUNG MAN WALKING BEHIND HER NOTICES THE SPILL AND PICKS UP A FALLEN TIN.

YOUNG MAN:
Excuse me! (NO RESPONSE) Excuse me love!

THE WOMAN CONTINUES WALKING WITHOUT NOTICING THE MAN’S CRIES.

THE YOUNG MAN SIGHS, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND BEGINS TRAILING AFTER THE OLD LADY, PICKING UP THE FALLEN PRODUCE AS HE DRAWS CLOSER, STILL TRYING TO CATCH HER ATTENTION.

THE OLD LADY STOPS AT A DOOR, UNLOCKS IT AND ENTERS WITHOUT LOOKING BACK..

THE DOOR CLOSED JUST AS THE MAN CATCHES UP.

WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF TINS AND PACKETS OF FOOD HE RINGS THE DOORBELL.

THE DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS AND THE OLD LADY APPEARS HOLDING A GIANT BUTTERFLY NET.

SHE THROWS THE NET OVER THE YOUNG MAN AND YANKS HIM INSIDE WITH TREMENDOUS STRENGTH.

THE OLD LADY POPS HER HEAD OUT OF THE DOOR, LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE STREET, THEN – SMILING – CLOSES THE DOOR.

FADE OUT.

END.

Checked out

2007-02-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

INT. SUPERMARKET/CHECKOUT TILL.

THE FEMALE CASHIER IS SCANNING VARIOUS ITEMS BEING BOUGHT BY THOMAS.

THE ITEMS CONSIST MOSTLY OF MEALS FOR ONE AND SMALL TINS ETC.

CASHIER:
Let me guess, you live alone and you don’t have a girlfriend – right?

THOMAS:
That’s right! How did you… oh, wait. It’s because of all the meals for one isn’t it?

CASHIER:
No. (PAUSE) It’s because you’re an ugly b*st*rd! (PAUSE) That’ll be twelve pounds eighty please.

FADE OUT.

END.

Tight fit

2007-02-21T13:21:00.000-08:00

INT. WOMEN’S CLOTHING STORE

A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN IS HEADING FOR THE CHANGING CUBICLE WITH A COUPLE OF DRESSES HANGING OVER HER ARM.

SHE PULLS BACK THE CURTAIN. HAROLD WEMBLEY IS STANDING IN THE CUBICLE WEARING HIGH HEELS, STOCKINGS, BRA AND FRILLY PANTIES.

HAROLD IS EXTREMELY OVERWEIGHT AND SWEATING HEAVILY.

HAROLD:
Are these too snug?

HAROLD TURNS.

THE WOMAN LOOKS DOWN TO SEE HAROLD HAS WEDGIED HIMSELF TO A POINT THAT THE KNICKERS HAVE COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED UP HIS HAIRY BUM-CRACK.

THE WOMAN FAINTS.

HAROLD SCOWLS.

HAROLD:
A simple yes or no would have done.

HAROLD DRAWS THE CURTAINS IN A HUFF.

FADE OUT.

END.

People's Poetry: Valentine's Edition

2007-02-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

People's Poetry

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Shush!

2007-02-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote this a couple of years ago and sent it of to the BBC writer's room. Understandably it was rejected, it's a little crude but I still can't help but like it.

Incedentally, this is not to be confused with the planned BBC3 sitcom of the same name.

SHUSH!

Pilot Episode:

‘Nothing like spectacular.’

© Scott H Mitchell 2005

SCENE 1: INT. LIBRARY

THE LIBRARY IS WITHOUT PATRONS.

BEHIND THE LIBRARIANS COUNTER THERE IS AN OPEN DOOR LEADING TO AN OFFICE.

TO THE RIGHT OF THE COUNTER ARE TWO DOORS MARKED AS THE LADIES AND GENTS TOILET.

PHYLLIS IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKING GLUM.

PHYLLIS (AROUND 30 YEARS OLD) IS DRESSED CONSERVATIVELY, IN A LONG SKIRT AND JUMPER. SHE IS WEARING STYLISH GLASSES.

DOREEN ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE WITH THREE COFFEES.

DOREEN (APPROXIMATELY 45 YEARS OLD) IS DRESSED IN A SHORT BLACK SKIRT, HER BLACK BRA IS CLEARLY VISIBLE UNDER HER WHITE BLOUSE.

SHE PLACES THE COFFEES ON THE COUNTER, SLIDES ONE IN FRONT OF PHYLIS AND FROWNS.

DOREEN:
Who’s farted in your face?

PHYLLIS:
Huh?

DOREEN:
You look like you’ve just eaten a menopause – what’s wrong with you?

PHYLLIS:
I’m bored!

DOREEN:
Read a book.

PHYLLIS:
(SIGH) I’m sick of reading books. I’m sick of staring out into an empty room. I want something exciting to happen, something… something spectacular.

SUDDENLY EDNA JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BOOKSHELF WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS.

EDNA (AROUND 50 YEARS OLD) IS DRESSED IN A LONG BLUE SKIRT AND A BRIGHTLY COLOURED BLOUSE, SHE IS OVERWEIGHT, HAS THICK HORN RIMMED GLASSES, TOO MUCH MAKE-UP AND A HUNCH-BACK.

SHE HAS AN OPEN BOOK HANGING FROM HER WAIST-BAND LIKE A SPORRAN.

SHE THRUSTS HER GROIN BACK AND FORTH, MAKING THE BOOKS PAGES FLAP OPEN AND CLOSED.

EDNA:
Read – my – lips! Read – my – lips!

EDNA CRACKS UP LAUGHING.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE UNMOVED.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS: (IN UNISON)
Your coffee’s ready.

EDNA:
Oh, right. Won’t be a second, just got to go and wet my hair.

REMOVING THE BOOK, EDNA EXITS INTO THE WOMENS TOILET.

DOREEN AND EDNA RETURN TO THEIR CONVERSATION.

DOREEN:
You don’t see a lot of spectacular in Midgeport. There’s a lot of ‘seen it before’ and a little bit of ‘mildly interesting’, but not very much spectacular.

PHYLLIS:
I don’t want very much, just enough to… to let me know I’m still alive. To show me that there’s something out there. Just a moment, a distraction, something to wake me up again. I don’t care what it is, just as long as it’s… spectacular.

DOREEN STUDIES PHYLLIS FOR A MOMENT.

DOREEN:
Have you run the batteries down on your rabbit again?

PHYLLIS:
No! (PAUSE) I just… jammed the mechanism a bit.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET PEEING. (HER SKIRT COVERING HER MODESTY).

THE TOILET ROLL HOLDER IS EMPTY, BUT EDNA HASN’T NOTICED.

SHE WIGGLES HER HIPS TO SHAKE OFF THE LAST DROPS OF PEE AND BEGINS TO STAND.

SHE HESITATES, SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS AND SITS DOWN AGAIN.

EDNA:
In for a penny, in for a pound.

WITH A DEEP BREATH EDNA’S FACE INTENSIFIES.

SHE BEGINS TO EMPTY HER BOWELS NOISILY.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3: INT.LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL TALKING OVER COFFEE.

DOREEN:
You need a hump.

PHYLLIS:
What – like Edna’s?

DOREEN:
No. You need a… a… (PAUSE) You need to shove a squeaky red nose into your clown’s pocket.

PHYLLIS:
(LAUGHING) What?!

DOREEN:
You’re short of a ride on Mr Whippy’s pointy cone of seduction.

PHYLLIS:
Oh come on! Who calls it that?

DOREEN:
You’re in need of a smear-test from doctor any-guy?

PHYLLIS:
That’s it – you’re banned from the internet.

CUT TO:

SCENE 4: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET, HER FACE AWASH WITH RELIEF.

SHE REACHES OUT TO THE EMPTY TOILET ROLL HOLDER AND FREEZES.

HER EYES WIDEN WITH TERROR.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL CONVERSING.

DOREEN:
Harry One-leg.

PHYLLIS:
He’s married!

DOREEN:
Tommy the hat.

PHYLLIS:
You’re joking aren’t you? He’s got a face like a dropped sherry-trifle!

DOREEN:
He’s got his own business.

PHYLLIS:
He’s got an arse for a head.

DOREEN:
Yeah, he’s a minger. (PAUSE – THEN SMILING) How about Mr Morris?

PHYLLIS:
Mmm, Mr Morris, now there’s a finger waiting to be fudged.

DOREEN:
(LAUGHING) A what?

PHYLLIS:
He’s married though.

DOREEN:
They’re divorced!

PHYLLIS:
He still lives with her.

DOREEN:
Look, just because he’s got a cat at home it doesn’t mean he’s not ready to go out and stroke another woman’s pussy.

PHYLLIS: (INTERRUPTING)
Oh now that’s just crude!

DOREEN:
That’s crude?! A second ago you were talking fudge-fingers!

CUT TO:

SCENE 6: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA LOOKS TO BE IN A PANIC.

EDNA: (SHOUTING)
He-ee-eee-eee-eee-eee-eelp!

THE SHOUT IS PUNCTUATED BY AN ABRUPT FART.

CUT TO:

SCENE 7: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLIS ARE STILL DEEP IN CONVERSATION.

DOREEN:
She sleeps in a separate part of the house, you’d hardly even see her.

PHYLLIS:
I am not dating a man who lives with his ex-wife – it’s… creepy!

DOREEN:
No more creepy than licking one-eyed Norman’s empty socket!

PHYLLIS:
I was drunk! And this is different.

DOREEN:
What’s the worst that can happen?

PHYLLIS:
Have you met his wife?!

DOREEN:
Ex wife.

PHYLLIS:
She’s built like a butcher! She could crack my skull with her arse-cheeks!

DOREEN:
She’s not that tough.

PHYLLIS:
Not that tough!? She’s a he-beast! She doesn’t lift weights – she eats them!

DOREEN:
You could take her.

PHYLLIS:
I could take her to the zoo, I could take her to Ripley’s believe it or not, but there’s no way I’m taking her man off her – she might get… angry.

DOREEN:
She’s not the hulk you know.

PHYLLIS:
No – she’s the woman who bitch-slaps the Hulk for looking at her shoes!

DOREEN:
Wait ‘til she goes out, then do him.

PHYLLIS:
She never goes out – she’s a hermit. (PAUSE) She’s Hermit Munster!

CUT TO:

SCENE 8: INT. TOILET

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET FROWNING.

SHE DRUMS HER FINGERS ON HER CHIN, TRYING TO THINK OF A SOLUTION.

SHE STOPS, PAUSES, THEN LIFTS HER FINGERS TO HER NOSE.

SHE SNIFFS THEM AND RECOILS FROM THE SMELL.

CUT TO:

SCENE 9: INT. LIBRARY.

PHYLLIS:
Anyway, it doesn’t have to be a man. It just has to be something…

DOREEN:
Spectacular – I get it.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, like… like a… like… (SIGH) alright, I need a man, what am I going to do?

DOREEN:
Tuck into Mr Morris!

PHYLLIS:
No! Unless his man of a wife either dies, explodes, disappears into thin air or goes back to Mordor, Mr Morris is off limits. It’ll have to be someone else.

BOTH WOMEN SIP THEIR COFFEE AND CONSIDER THE PROBLEM.

DOREEN:
Barry with the hair lip?

PHYLLIS:
Too young.

DOREEN:
Buck-tooth Kenny.

PHYLLIS:
Too stupid.

DOREEN:
Big fat Ronny.

PHYLLIS:
(Frowns) The clue’s in the title.

DOREEN:
Alright then, what about cross-eyed Tarquin?

PHYLLIS THROWS HER HANDS UP IN EXASPERATION.

PHYLLIS:
What is wrong with this town?! All the men are boot-faced with silly nicknames and bits missing!

DOREEN:
Mr Morris hasn’t got a boot face, and I’m sure he’d let you check to see if all his bits are intact.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, and he doesn’t have a nickname either does he – what’s all that about? Everybody in this town has a nickname. Even his wife has a nickname, Don’t-hit-me Deirdre they call her. Why hasn’t he got one?

DOREEN:
I don’t have a nickname.

PHYLLIS:
Yes you do. All three of us do.

DOREEN:
Do we? What are they?

PHYLLIS:
Well, you’re Desperate Doreen…

DOREEN:
Desperate Doreen!

PHYLLIS:
I’m Phyllis the book-worm…

DOREEN:
How am I desperate?!

PHYLLIS:
And Edna’s called Ten-pin.

DOREEN:
I’m not even close to being… (FROWNS) Ten pin? Why Ten-pin?

PHYLLIS:
I don’t know, it’s what her second husband used to call her, I think it has something to do with the way you pick a bowling bowl up (PHYLLIS MIMES PICKING A BOWLING BOWL UP), I don’t really get it myself.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS PONDER THIS A MOMENT.

PHYLLIS:
Where is Edna?

THEY LOOK TOWARDS THE TOILET.

DOREEN:
She’s probably bombing China, Derek took her for a curry last night.

PHYLLIS:
Oh dear, she’ll be in there all day.

CUT TO:

SCENE 10: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS TRYING TO TEAR OFF A PIECE OF CLOTH FROM THE BOTTOM OF HER DRESS.

AFTER MUCH STRAINING SHE GIVES UP.

EDNA:
I’m going to have to start wearing underwear again.

SHE DESPERATELY LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING ELSE TO USE AS TOILET PAPER.

EDNA:
A pair of knickers or a sock would come in real handy right now.

SHE LOOKS AT THE TOILET ROLL HOLDER.

ON THE CARDBOARD TUBE THERE ARE A COUPLE OF SMALL SCRAPS OF TOILET PAPER REMAINING.

WITH GREAT CARE SHE BEGINS TO PICK OFF THE SCRAPS OF PAPER.

CUT TO:

SCENE 11: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL PRESENT.

DOREEN:
Why Desperate Doreen? Why not Dippy or Deadly? Anything but desperate – that’s just demeaning.

PHYLLIS:
I think it’s because you used to be an Adam Ant fan, remember? You had a badge and everything.

DOREEN:
What’s that got to do with being desperate?

PHYLLIS:
Well he was the dandy highwayman wasn’t he?

DOREEN:
And?

PHYLLIS:
Dandy – the comic?

DOREEN:
Are you on pills?

PHYLLIS:
(SIGH) Desperate Dan, Desperate Doreen – Adam Ant fan!

DOREEN STUDIES PHYLLIS’S FACE.

DOREEN:
You just made that up didn’t you.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah. They call you Desperate ‘cause you’ll shag anything with three legs.

DOREEN:
Well that’s not desperate is it? You’re only desperate when you can’t get a jump!

PHYLLIS:
Like me you mean?

DOREEN:
Exactly!

PHYLLIS:
Thanks!

DOREEN:
Don’t mention it.

CUT TO:

SCENE 12: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS SAT ON THE TOILET WITH SEVERAL SMALL SCRAPS OF TOILET PAPER IN HER LAP – ALL BUT ONE STUCK TOGETHER.

WITH A GRIMACE SHE WETS HER FINGER AND STICKS THE LAST PIECE TO THE OTHERS.

SHE HOLDS UP THE PIECES TO THE LIGHT.

COMBINED THEY ARE STILL NO BIGGER THAN A COASTER.

FRUSTRATED, SHE CRUMPLES UP THE PIECES AND THROWS THEM TO THE FLOOR.

EDNA: (SHOUTING)

He-ee-eee-eee-eee-eelp!

THIS TIME THE SHOUT IS PUNCTUATED WITH TWO ABRUPT FARTS AND A HEAVY SIGH.

CUT TO:

SCENE 13: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN:
Why not try speed dating?

PHYLLIS:
In this town? You couldn’t go quick enough! The good looking men are all married and the ugly ones are, well… ugly.
You don’t go on blind dates in Midgeport, you go on wish you were blind dates! I tell you it’s hopeless – I’ve been looking for three years now and I still haven’t had a sniff.

DOREEN LOOKS SHOCKED.

DOREEN:
Three years?!

PHYLLIS:
Alright, don’t ham it up.

DOREEN:
Three years!?!

PHYLLIS:
Yes – three years, it’s not that long.

DOREEN:
It’s long enough for your bits to heal up! You’re gonna need a crowbar soon!

PHYLLIS:
We can’t all be easy!

DOREEN:
Easy?

PHILLIS:
(SINGING) Easy like Desperate Do-reen.

DOREEN:
I’m not easy, I’m just… not difficult.

PHYLLIS:
Not difficult? Corpses put up more resistance than you – you’re worse than a humping dog!

DOREEN:
(LAUGHING) I do get around a bit don’t I.

PHYLLIS:
You should have a toll-booth set up outside your bedroom.

DOREEN:
Who makes it to the bedroom?

CUT TO:

SCENE 14: INT TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS LEANING FORWARD, USING HER HAND TO WAFT COLD AIR ONTO HER BUTTOCKS.

AFTER A MOMENT SHE STOPS, THEN VERY CAREFULLY TRIES TO STAND.

BARELY AN INCH FROM THE SEAT SHE GRIMACES AND SITS BACK DOWN.

EDNA:
(MIMICKING) ‘Try a madras – you’ll love it!’… bloody moron. If I’ve got anything left I’m gonna squeeze it out into his pillow case, see how he likes that! (LONG PAUSE - THEN MIMICKING) ‘It’s very spicy isn’t it?’

CUT TO:

SCENE 15: INT. LIBRARY.

DOREEN:
I saw Mrs Beaten on the way in this morning.

PHYLLIS:
Should-be Beaten?

DOREEN:
No, her mother – Bingo Lilly.

PHYLLIS:
Oh yeah, how’s her new hip?

DOREEN:
All over the place, she was coming at me like a drunken ninja.

PHYLLIS:
Did she not have her walking frame with her?

DOREEN:
No, she lost it at cards.

PHYLLIS:
Again?

DOREEN:
Yeah, she lost her teeth as well, her old man’s going nuts about it.

PHYLLIS:
He’s no room to talk, he’s as bad as her for gambling.

DOREEN:
It’s not that, they only had the one set of teeth between them, and tonight’s pork-chop night.

PHYLLIS:
Oh dear, he won’t be happy about that, he likes his pork-chops does peg-leg.

DOREEN:
That’s why she was going to the shops this morning, she’s looking for a tin of pork-chop soup.

PHILLIS:
Do they do pork chop soup?

DOREEN SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS.

CUT TO:

SCENE 16: INT. TOILET CUBICLE.

EDNA IS TRYING TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF HER BLOUSE.

SHE PULLS WITH ALL HER MIGHT AND THE SLEEVE RIPS OFF, SLIPS FROM HER FINGERS AND FLIES OUT UNDER THE CUBICLE DOOR.

A LOOK OF DISBELIEF TURNS QUICKLY TO DETERMINATION AS SHE IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO RIP OFF THE OTHER SLEEVE.

CUT TO:

SCENE 17: INT. LIBRARY.

PHYLLIS:
Have you seen Death-bed Jimmy this week?

DOREEN:
He was down at the hospital on Wednesday visiting Wafer Bill.

PHYLLIS:
I thought Bill was getting better?

DOREEN:
Apparently not, he died on Thursday.

PHYLLIS:
Oh, that’s terrible.

DOREEN NODS.

PHYLLIS:
You know, when I went in to get my farmers popped I had nightmares about Death-bed Jimmy coming to visit me.

DOREEN:
I know what you mean, he’s like the angel of death in a tank-top. I was having a hot flush one day and he knocked on the kitchen window – I nearly crapped myself!

PHYLLIS:
What did he want?

DOREEN:
He just came round to tell me who died that week, still scared the Maltesers out of me though!

PHYLLIS:
It’s a bit odd when you think about it.

DOREEN:
What?

PHYLLIS:
Well, if everybody he visits in hospital dies, why don’t the hospital just stop him from visiting people?

DOREEN:
You’re kidding! They love him down there, he clears a bed a week – two in winter! They’ve even started putting his name on the death certificate.

PHYLLIS:
Yeah, right.

DOREEN:
Honestly! Cause of death – friend of Jimmy Collins.

PHYLLIS:
(LAUGHING) Famous last words, (FEIGNING FEAR) those grapes aren’t for me are they Jimmy?

BOTH WOMEN LAUGH.

CUT TO:

SCENE 18: INT. WOMENS TOILET/ OUTSIDE THE CLOSED CUBICLE DOOR.

THERE IS A SLEEVE ON THE FLOOR, SLIGHTLY AWAY FROM THE CLOSED DOOR.

THERE IS THE MUFFLED SOUND OF STRUGGLING.

WITH A TEARING SOUND, A SECOND SLEEVE FLIES OUT FROM UNDER THE CUBICLE DOOR, SLIDING TO A STOP BESIDE THE OTHER.

AFTER A PREGNANT PAUSE, THE CUBICLE SUDDENLY BEGINS SHAKING AS EDNA BANGS AND SCREAMS AGAINST IT’S WALLS AND DOOR,

CUT TO:

SCENE 19: INT LIBRARY.

DOREEN IS ADMIRING THE SHAPE OF HER GROIN.

PHYLLIS IS GAZING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

DOREEN:
I’m thinking of having a Brazilian.

PHYLLIS:
I prefer a Chinese.

DOREEN: (FROWNING)
What’s a Chinese?

PHYLLIS:
You’ve never had one?

DOREEN:
(SURPRISED) No, I’m obviously not as cosmopolitan as you! What’s it like?

PHYLLIS:
It’s nice, sweet. A few too many noodles though, and not enough mushrooms.

DOREEN:
(SIGH) You’re talking about food again aren’t you?

PHYLLIS:
You started it!

DOREEN:
A Brazilian isn’t a take-away dish! – It’s a… a hairstyle.

PHYLLIS:
Oh right. (PAUSE) I thought you liked your hair?

DOREEN:
Pubic hair.

PHYLLIS:
What – you’re getting a perm?

CUT TO:

SCENE 20: INT. TOILET CUBICLE

EDNA IS TOTALLY DISHEVELLED. HER SLEEVES ARE MISSING, HER GLASSES ARE OFF, HER HAIR IS A MESS AND SHE IS OUT OF BREATH.

A DAWNING REALISATION BEGINS TO CROSS HER FACE.

SLOWLY SHE LEANS TO ONE SIDE AND LOOKS BEHIND HER.

THERE IS A FRESH ROLL OF TOILET ROLL RESTING ON THE CISTERN.

SHE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AND BEGINS TO SOB.

CUT TO:

SCENE 21: INT. LIBRARY

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS ARE STILL BEHIND THE COUNTER.

PHYLLIS:
There’s a sing-a-long tonight at the Cock-eyed pheasant if you fancy it?

DOREEN SLOWLY SHAKES HER HEAD WITH DISAPPOINTMENT.

DOREEN:
You know, you’re never gonna get your curtains wet if you keep hanging round with those sheep-sharers.

PHYLLIS:
They’re folk singers – they’re not Welsh! They’re the closest thing we get to rock and roll around these parts; I thought they’d be right up your alley!

DOREEN:
Nothing that’s been dipped in a sheep is going anywhere near my alley!

PHYLLIS:
They don’t sleep with sheep!

DOREEN:
Yeah right, they’re all woolly jumpers and poems – they’ve got to be sheep-shaggers!

PHYLLIS:
They’re just sensitive.

DOREEN:
Yeah, sensitive about anybody mentioning sheep.

PHYLLIS:
Are you coming or what?

DOREEN:
Yeah, alright. (PAUSE) Do you think if I put my fur-coat on they’d get confused?

WITH A LOUD BANG THE TOILET DOOR BURST OPEN.

EDNA STAGGERS IN LOOKING A MESS.

HER MASCARA HAS RUN ALL THE WAY DOWN HER CHEEKS, HER SLEEVES ARE MISSING AND HER HAIR IS STICKING UP IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A LONG STRIP OF TOILET PAPER TRAILS OUT FROM UNDER HER SKIRT.

SHE HAS AN EMPTY CARDBOARD TOILET ROLL TUBE IN HER HAND.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS LOOK AT HER IN STUNNED DISBELIEF.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS: (IN UNISON)
Your coffee’s gone cold. Your coffee’s gone cold.

EDNA BEGINS WALKING AROUND THE COUNTER.

EDNA:
I’ll put it in the microwave.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS NOTICE THE TOILET PAPER TRAILING FROM UNDER HER SKIRT AND GRIMACE.

BOTH WOMEN ARE NOW TRYING DESPERATELY TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE.

EDNA DROPS THE CARDBOARD TUBE ON THE COUNTER.

EDNA:
I changed the toilet roll in the ladies.

PHYLLIS:
Yes… I, uh… I thought that.

THEY CONTINUE TO WATCH AS EDNA WALKS AROUND THE COUNTER, PICKS UP HER COFFEE AND HEADS INTO THE OFFICE.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS WATCH THE TRAILING TOILET PAPER FOLLOW HER OUT OF VIEW.

DOREEN:
Edna?

EDNA: (O.O.V.)
Yes?

DOREEN:
Are you still having that boycott on underwear?

PHYLLIS GRABS DOREENS ARM AND, STIFLING HER LAUGHTER, MOUTHS THE WORD ‘DON’T’.

EDNA POPS HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR FROWNING.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS QUICKLY TRY TO APPEAR NONCHALANT.

EDNA:
Yes, why?

DOREEN:
No reason really, just thinking about what to get you for your birthday.

EDNA THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

EDNA:
A bidet would be nice.

SHE DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE OFFICE.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS TRY THEIR BEST NOT TO ROAR WITH LAUGHTER.

THE MICROWAVE IN THE OFFICE ‘PINGS’.

PHYLLIS: (SHOUTING TO EDNA)
Are you coming down to the Cock-eyed Pheasant tonight Edna?

EDNA RETURNS FROM THE OFFICE WITH THE COFFEE IN ONE HAND AND THE STRIP OF TOILET PAPER IN THE OTHER.

SHE TRIES TO DROP THE TOILET PAPER INTO THE BIN, BUT IT’S STUCK TO HER HAND AND TAKES MORE THAN A COUPLE OF SHAKES TO RELEASE.

DOREEN AND PHYLLIS WATCH WITH RENEWED AMAZEMENT.

EDNA STANDS BESIDE THEM AT THE COUNTER.

EDNA:
Cock-eyed Pheasant? It’s full of sheep-shaggers isn’t it?

EDNA SIPS HER COFFEE.

DOREEN TURNS TO PHYLLIS.

DOREEN:
You know for some people, spectacular’s just a way of life.

PHYLLIS NODS, EYES STILL FIXED ON EDNA.

FADE OUT.

END OF EPISODE.

Viewer's View

2007-02-06T13:53:00.000-08:00

Viewer's View

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Too Much Ugly People

2007-02-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

Top hat, no tails

2007-02-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

Barry Jones’s Diary: Week One.

2007-02-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

January 1^st 2006

Dear Diary,

Just had a crap. I’d write more but that was pretty much the highlight of my day.

January 2^nd 2006

Dear Diary,

No crap today. Maybe tomorrow.

January 3^rd 2006

Dear Diary,

Found a slice of pizza down the side of the sofa. It was on the good side of mouldy and a little bit stale but I could still taste the cheese.

Will most definitely be taking a crap tomorrow.

January 4^th 2006

Dear Diary,

Okay, this isn’t working out. I figured buying a diary might actually encourage me to do something with my days but… well, to tell you the truth I’m lazy. I’m not depressed, I’m not lethargic and I don’t have one of those medical definitions of lazy that lazy people like to wave around to make them feel like the laziness isn’t their fault - I’m just bone idle and proud of it. If I could crap through a hosepipe I’d have never left my seat on new years day, that’s the level of laziness I’m trying to convey here. You know… really lazy.

So I guess the best thing to do would be to just write down whatever comes to mind each day. I mean, it’s not like I’ve got nothing to say… I’ve got stories - not great stories, but they’d be better than a year-long catalogue of my bowel movements wouldn’t they?

I’m sorry I asked.

January 5^th 2006

Dear Diary,

Here’s something you might be interested in. I have a maid. His name is Boris. I call him my maid because it annoys him, he’s actually my butler. He picks up my shopping, arranges my prostitutes and does all the other butlery type stuff that butlers are supposed to do when they’re being paid to buttle. On the first Sunday of every month he sneaks into my bedroom while I’m sleeping and cuts holes in all my socks. He doesn’t mean anything by it… it’s just something he likes to do.

I’ve taken to hiding spare pairs of socks all around the house. I never go outdoors but I’ve got varnished wooden floors on the ground floor and I sometimes like to slide down the corridors and pretend that I’m ice-skating, which isn’t as much fun when you’ve got holes in your socks. I also like to turn the wooden coffee table over in the living room and pretend it’s a raft, but then I have to turn it back over and put everything back on it when I’m done, so I don’t do that as often.

Did I mention it’s my birthday tomorrow. I’ll be thirty-five.

January 6^th 2006

Dear Diary,

Would you believe it! Boris got me a pair of socks! I’d take it as a joke but he’s German. Maybe he’s decided to turn over a new leaf, or maybe he just wanted a better class of sock to sabotage, either way I said thank you and offered him a drink. He said his wife was waiting to be taken to the chiropodists so he put a pizza in the oven for me and left.

His wife died thirty years ago.

I celebrated the remainder of my birthday with a plump but pretty prostitute named Petunia. She gave me a discount… but not a very big one.

January 7^th 2006

Dear Diary,

Woke up to find fresh holes in my new socks. Boris must have snuck in early this morning. I was right about him turning over a new leaf though, he added a new twist this year by writing floppy-cock on my forehead with a permanent marker.

I must stress at this point that to the best of my knowledge Boris has never seen me naked… he must have talked to Petunia.

When I confronted him about it he apologised and offered to rub it off with a wire brush. I told him I’d rather wait for it to fade naturally. It’s not like anybody visits me, the only people I ever see are Boris and the prostitutes, and they’re paid to like me.

Got a call from my mother wishing me happy birthday. I told her it was yesterday and she called me an ungrateful retard and slammed down the phone. Apart from the time she locked me in a room with a carton of cigarettes to teach me a lesson, that’s the best present she’s ever given me. It’s not that I don’t like her (she’s okay), it’s just that I hate talking to her on the telephone – you never know what she’s doing on the other end. One time I’d been talking to her for about fifteen minutes… then I heard the toilet flush, and let me tell you that’s not the sort of image that goes away easy.

Oh crap.

Rough Sketch Three

2007-02-03T12:16:00.000-08:00

Rough Sketch Two

2007-02-03T02:55:00.000-08:00

Template

2007-02-03T02:51:00.000-08:00

Rough Sketch One

2007-02-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

Set Six

2007-01-31T06:20:00.000-08:00

Set Five

2007-01-31T05:46:00.000-08:00

Set Four

2007-01-31T04:41:00.000-08:00

Set Three

2007-01-31T04:00:00.000-08:00

Set Two

2007-01-31T03:35:00.000-08:00

Set One

2007-01-31T03:13:00.000-08:00

A mother's love

2007-01-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

EXT.SUBURBAN STREET/DAY.

HILLARY IS WALKING ALONG THE STREET, HUDDLED AGAINST THE WIND AND GRIPPING A PLASTIC CARRIER BAG.

SHE IS IN HER LATE FIFTIES AND WEARING A FUR LINED COAT.

THE CAMERA FOLLOWS HILLARY AS SHE WALKS PAST A ROW OF HOUSES.

NARRATOR: (V.O.)
This is Hillary Jenkins. Part time waitress, volunteer worker and member of the neighbourhood watch. Hillary is like so many of the women who live in this quiet suburban street. She’s fond of coffee mornings, loves Paul O’Grady and occasionally takes a glass of wine with her evening meal.

HILLARY STOPS AT THE DOOR OF HER HOUSE AND DIGS OUT HER KEYS.

NARRATOR: (V.O.)
The one thing that separates Hillary from her neighbours, is the fact that Hillary…

HILLARY UNLOCKS AND OPENS THE DOOR.

NARRATOR: (V.O.)
… is the mother of a serial killer.

HILLARY ENTERS THE HOUSE AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER.

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM.

THERE IS THE NAKED DEAD BODY OF A MAN LYING FACE DOWN ON THE FLOOR.

HILLARY ENTERS AND IMMEDIATELY NOTICES THE BODY.

SHE LETS OUT A HEAVY SIGH AND LOOKS TO THE CEILING.

HILLARY: (SHOUTING)
Julian!

JULIAN: (O.O.V)
What!

HILLARY:
Are you finished with this body?

JULIAN: (O.O.V)
Yes!

HILLARY:
Well would you mind moving it! Mrs Jackson’s coming round for a coffee.

JULAIN CAN BE HEARD RUSHING DOWNSTAIRS. HILLARY STEPS OVER THE BODY, PUTS THE CARRIER BAG DOWN AND BEGINS TAKING OFF HER COAT.

JULIAN ENTERS OUT OF BREATH AND EAGER.

JULIAN:
Is she coming on her own?

HILLARY:
Don’t even think about it!

JULIAN’S FACE DROPS AND HE SULKILY TURNS TO LEAVE.

HILLARY:
The corpse!

JULIAN MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH, GRABS ONE OF THE BODIES LEGS AND STARTS TRYING TO DRAG IT FROM THE ROOM, WITH LITTLE SUCCESS.

HILLARY ROLLS HER EYES AND SITS DOWN IN THE ARM CHAIR.

INTERVIEWER: (O.O.V)
Does that happen often?

HILLARY: (TO CAMERA)
What – the dead bodies? Yeah, sometimes. You see, his problem is that he starts something but never sees it through.

JULIAN:
That’s not true!

HILLARY:
(TO JULIAN) What about the hacksaw murders eh? Severed limbs everywhere! And who ends up having to clean up the mess and post the fingers to the relatives? Me – that’s who!

JULIAN:
I had to go to Job club!

HILLARY:
Job club shmob club – your just bone idle, that’s what you are!

MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH, JULIAN TRIES PULLING THE BODY BY THE ARM.

INTERVIEWER: (O.O.V)
Doesn’t it bother you?

HILLARY: (TO CAMERA)
What?

INTERVIEWER: (O.O.V)
That your son’s a serial killer?

HILLARY:
Not really. It keeps him out of trouble and away from the drugs. I mean, there are a lot worse hobby’s he could have chosen.

INTERVIEWER: (O.O.V)
Such as?

HILLARY THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

HILLARY:
Poetry? (PAUSE) Besides, at least I know where he is. Mrs Kingsley next door hasn’t seen her son since Friday!

JULIAN:
He’s in the bath.

HILLARY: (TO JULIAN)
Our bath?

JULIAN:
Yeah… and the sink, and the washing basket...

JULIAN LETS GO OF THE BODY, AND BEGINS FEELING AROUND UNDER THE SOFA.

JULIAN: (CONTINUED)
…and there might still be a little bit of him in my bedroom drawer, but I can’t be sure.

HILLARY: (TO CAMERA)
See, even I know where her son is now… so who’s the better mother?

JULIAN PULLS OUT A CHAINSAW AND SMILES LOVINGLY.

JULIAN:
You are mum.

HILLARY: (TO CAMERA)
Ah, isn’t he a treasure.

JULIAN STARTS UP THE CHAINSAW AND RAISES IT ABOVE THE BODY.

HILLARY: (SHOUTING)
Would you like a cup of tea?

FADE OUT.

END.

The Swinger

2007-01-30T15:32:00.000-08:00

EXT. TERRACED HOUSE/FRONT DOOR. DAY.

TREVOR (A MEEK LOOKING MAN) APPROACHES THE FRONT DOOR OF THE HOUSE NERVOUSLY.

AFTER A MOMENTS HESITATION, HE PLUCKS UP THE COURAGE TO RING THE DOORBELL.

THE DOOR OPENS TO REVEAL MALCOLM (A STOCKY MAN WEARING A BATH-ROBE).

MALCOLM:
Yes?

TREVOR:
Hi, erm… I’m Trevor Wright, I think we spoke on the phone. I’m here for the…er... (WHISPERS) orgy.

MALCOLM:
The what?

TREVOR:
I’m here for the… (WHISPERS LOUDER) orgy!

MALCOLM: (HAPPILY)
Oh right! The orgy! Come on in!

EMBARASSED BY THE LOUDNESS OF MALCOLM’S VOICE, TREVOR RUSHES INTO THE HOUSE.

CUT TO:

INT. NARROW STAIRCASE.

MALCOLM IS LEADING TREVOR UP THE STAIRS TO ONE OF THE ROOMS ON THE SECOND FLOOR.

TREVOR REMAINS QUITE NERVOUS.

TREVOR:
Am I the first one here?

MALCOLM:
No, no, everybody else is here - you’re the last.

TREVOR:
So it’s already started?

MALCOLM: (SMILING)
It certainly has.

AS THEY REACH THE BEDROOM THE NOISE OF MEN AND WOMEN HAVING SEX BECOMES LOUDER.

MALCOLM HANDS TREVOR A BATH-ROBE.

MALCOLM:
You’ll need this.

MALCOLM TURNS BACK TO HEAD DOWN THE STAIRS.

TREVOR:
Aren’t you coming in?

MALCOLM:
I’ll be in soon, I’ve just got to get the wife. You go ahead.

TREVOR:
Oh… right. Okay.

MALCOLM EXITS DOWN THE STAIRS..

AS THE SEX NOISES CONTINUE, TREVOR HASTILY STRIPS DOWN TO HIS BOXERS AND SLIPS ON THE ROBE.

HE THEN REMOVES HIS BOXERS.

TREVOR NERVOUSLY OPENS THE DOOR AND THE SOUND OF SEX GROWS LOUDER.

STEADYING HIS NERVES TREVOR CLOSES HIS EYES, TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND STRIDES INTO THE ROOM.

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM.

TREVOR ENTERS THE ROOM AND TAKES SEVERAL STEPS BEFORE STOPPING AND OPENING HIS EYES.

HE OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT THEN FREEZES.

SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM THERE ARE A DOZEN OR SO BLOW-UP DOLLS IN VARIOUS KINKY COSTUMES AND POSES, BUT NO PEOPLE.

THE SEX NOISES ARE COMING FROM A SMALL TV IN THE CORNER, UPON WHICH A PORN MOVIE IS PLAYING.

TREVORS EYES WIDEN WITH FEAR.

THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT AND TREVOR TURNS TO SEE MALCOLM IS NOW IN THE ROOM. MALCOLM HAS REMOVED HIS ROBE AND IS DRESSED IN WOMEN’S LINGERIE.

IN HIS HAND IS A GIGANTIC PURPLE DILDO.

TREVOR WHIMPERS.

MALCOLM HOLDS OUT THE DILDO AND WIGGLES IT MENACINGLY AT TREVOR.

MALCOLM: (GRINNING)
Meet the wife.

TREVOR SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL.

MALCOLM ADVANCES ON TREVOR.

FADE TO BLACK.

END.

When Recruiters Go Bad...

2007-01-29T09:58:00.000-08:00

INT. MILITARY BARRACKS

THE ROOM HAS TWELVE BUNKS, HALF OF WHICH ARE OCCUPIED WITH SOLDIERS AS THEY PASS THE TIME IN REST, CONVERSATION AND GUN CLEANING.

THE SOLDIERS STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND LOOK ON IN BEMUSEMENT AS A GROUP OF SIX CELEBRITIES ENTER, ALL WEARING FLAMBOYANT CLOTHING AND PULLING LAVISH SUITCASES BEHIND THEM.

THE CELEBRITIES STAND FOR A MOMENT, LOOKING AROUND THE BARRACKS IN AWE.

PRIVATE MORRIS APPROACHES PHOENIX, THE NEAREST CELEBRITY.

MORRIS:
Can I help you?

PHOENIX:
Hi, I'm Phoenix Walker, you may recognize me from TV's Hollyoaks?

THE TWO MEN SHAKE HANDS.

MORRIS:
Private Morris, and no.

PHOENIX:
Private, I like it. Yeah... I'm 'Private' Phoenix. (INTRODUCING OTHERS) This is 'private' Scarlet. 'Private' Diamond. Privates Broderick, Ice and Sparkle, and the miscreant at the back - as you'll probably know - is 'Private' Reed.

MORRIS NODS AT EACH ONE, UNIMPRESSED.

MORRIS:
I take it you're the new recruits?

PHOENIX:
(TO CELEBS) He's really getting into the swing of things isn't he? (TO MORRIS) Yes, we're the new 'recruits'.

PHOENIX SALUTES MORRIS.

MORRIS SHAKES HIS HEAD, TURNS AND WALKS BACK TO HIS BUNK, SPEAKING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

MORRIS:
Take any bunk that isn't occupied.

THE CELEBS CHOOSE THEIR BUNKS AND BEGIN UNPACKING.

PHOENIX:
It's very realistic isn't it?

SPARKLE:
Where are the cameras?

FADE TO BLACK.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT VILLAGE.

PRIVATE MORRIS AND PHOENIX ARE STANDING IN THE CENTRE OF THE VILLAGE SQUARE IN FULL MILITARY UNIFORM HOLDING M16's.

SCATTERED AROUND THEM ARE THE DEAD BODIES OF THE OTHER CELEBRITIES AND THIER UNIT.

PHOENIX SURVEYS THE BODIES THEN LOOKS TO PRIVATE MORRIS.

PHOENIX: (HOPEFULLY)
Does this mean we're in the final?

MORRIS GROWLS AT PHOENIX AND TURNS TO WALK AWAY.

A GUNSHOT IS HEARD AND MORRIS FALLS DOWN DEAD.

PHOENIX STARES AT MORRIS FOR A MOMENT, THEN LOOKS AT THE OTHER BODIES WITH GROWING EXCITEMENT.

MORRIS:
Did I win? Am I the winner? (PAUSE) I won! I'm the winner! Ha-ha! I'm the first ever winner of 'Celebrity Squaddies if you like as long as you sign this form'! Woo-hoo!

MORRIS LOOKS AROUND IN ANTICIPATION.

MORRIS:
So what's my prize?

CUT TO:

EXT. SAND DUNE.

TWO TERRORISTS ARE LYING ON THE SAND DUNE.

TERRORIST ONE IS LOOKING THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS, TERRORIST TWO THROUGH THE SIGHTS OF HIS SNIPER RIFLE.

THEIR WORDS ARE TRANSLATED VIA SUBTITLES.

TERRORIST ONE:
I'm telling you - it is!

TERRORIST TWO:
Are you sure?

TERRORIST ONE:
Of course I'm sure! It's the guy from Hollyoaks!

TERRORIST TWO PULLS THE TRIGGER OF THE RIFLE.

BOTH MEN SMILE.

TERRORIST TWO:
That's my third celebrity today!

TERRORIST ONE:
It's great isn't it!

TERRORIST ONE SCANS THE HORIZON.

TERRORIST TWO:
I know! They should make a TV show out of this!

TERRORIST ONE PLACES A HAND ON THE OTHERS SHOULDER.

TERRORIST ONE:
Hold on... I think I see Jim Davidson!

TERRORIST TWO: (EXCITED)
What are the odds!

TERRORIST TWO TAKES AIM AND PULLS THE TRIGGER.

TERRORIST ONE: (IN EXAGGERATED BRITISH ACCENT)
Nick . Nick.

THE TERRORISTS BURST INTO LAUGHTER.

FADE OUT.

END.

Sober

2007-01-29T09:55:00.001-08:00

Don’t bother me, I’m sober,

I’m in no mood for jest,

In this state of conscious being

I am seldom at my best.

My mind is powered by whiskey,

My mouth if fuelled by beer,

With both tanks running on empty

I’d rather that you were not here.

But don’t take offence for it’s likely

That when drunk I would like you a lot,

But here I am sane, sound and sober,

So at this present time I do not.

Yours

2007-01-29T09:53:00.001-08:00

Yours is the beauty,

The wisdom and grace,

The comforting word

And the loving embrace.

Yours are the lips

That are soft and are true,

Yours are the words

That endear me to you.

Yours are the eyes

that can silence my doubt,

Yours is the passion

That makes me cry out.

Yours are the tears

That could tear me apart.

Yours is the power,

The hold on my heart.

Deeper still

2007-01-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

Can’t breathe,

The water steals my breathe.

In these suffocating currents

Lie the final throes of death.

Something moving,

I cannot see, but I can feel.

In the dark and murky waters

Something’s clawing at my heel.

Ice cold fingers,

Finding purchase, taking hold.

Something drawing me down deeper,

Through the darkness, through the cold.

Sinking further,

The hands grip hard upon my thighs,

My lungs explode with water

As the darkness steals my cries.

Death is nearing,

Filth and fear are all I taste.

Life is ebbing form my body

As the hands enfold my waist.

Desperation,

No clarity of thought.

Panic frees me of my senses

As the hands approach my throat.

Eyes are open,

Now the demon I can see.

In the last I see the face of death,

And the face belongs to me.

Road Sweeper

2007-01-29T09:45:00.000-08:00

You’ve seen me once or twice before,

And passed a glance, but nothing more.

I am the nomad, oft unseen,

I walk the streets and keep them clean.

I sweep the roads on which you walk,

Yet still you find no time to talk,

A brief hello, a simple word,

The time of day remains unheard.

You look away, my conscience screams,

This was not me in youthful dreams.

For in that youth me thoughts were free,

Unfettered by mortality,

I dreamt the life of wealth and fame,

Where no two days would play the same.

The life of love, the life of glory,

With every dawn a different story,

But now those dreams have passed away,

Too tired am I to bid them stay.

Too late for seeds of hope to sow,

Too old am I to watch them grow.

Of all the futures I had planned,

Not one was played with brush in hand.

But what to do should all dreams shatter?

In live or die, who’s choose the latter?

I follow paths of other men,

I sweep them clean and start again,

I walk the streets with shoulders broad,

And sweep the never ending road.

Belief

2007-01-29T09:44:00.000-08:00

I shaved my faith with Occam’s razor,

Read the book but found no savior,

Weighed the words and found them light,

No sleep will come to me this night.

Without belief what hope remains,

To wash away the guilty stains

Of all the sins that I have sown,

No blameless left to cast the stone.

A world of virtue slips away,

With severed ties to yesterday,

A world of pain descends through sorrow,

The downward slope towards tomorrow.

And as hard money takes it’s place

As the new-found god of a fearful race,

With folded notes will prayers begin?

Will guilty payments cleanse of sin?

Redemption at cost or with failure to hell,

The meaning of life is how well does it sell?

The rich man advances the more that he buys,

And pays to make needles with camel shaped eyes.

The highest respect paid to hoarders of money,

The punchline is truth and the joke is not funny,

A paraphrased line from a song often sold,

Come meet the new god, same as the old.

The Isle of You

2007-01-29T09:42:00.000-08:00

Where warn winds blow and sunrise breaks,

Amid the halcyon sea,

There lies an Isle of beauty bound

Where love can wander free.

With swaying palms and golden sands

That storms have never seen

With sun-kissed flowers of rainbow’s shade

And wondrous fields of green.

Where words are heard upon the breeze

So soft and sweet and true,

And here I’ll stay, with your consent

Upon the Isle of you.

Pray rest your hands upon my chest

And know this heart is yours,

For you and I are all alone

Upon these golden shores.

I’ll hold you close and whisper words

So soft and sweet and true,

And you may hold my heart, my soul

And know that I love you.

The Trampled Rose

2007-01-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

The trampled rose on the blood red field

Where battle raged and fates were sealed,

Was all that stayed of a soldiers dream

Of a love that died with a soldiers scream.

Where hearts were called to the battle cry,

And dying eyes looked to the sky,

Where life was lost and freedom found,

Where a blood red rose fell to the ground.

Where cannons roared and death laid claim,

Where a final word was a whispered name,

Where a battle raged for freedoms cause,

And a soldier died for the trampled rose.

In Youth

2007-01-29T09:39:00.001-08:00

My youth is lost to foolish games,

To empty words, forgotten names.

To false bravado, cruel intent,

And countless tears for times misspent.

In youth I thought I knew of love,

Good times and I were hand in glove.

So proud was I to know the truth,

That love belonged in days of youth.

But now I know that love is more,

Than showing off and keeping score.

Love is not for childish games,

The heart is not a list of names.

Love is letting go of lies,

And bidding youth a fond goodbye.

Love is life begun anew,

Love is every day with you.

Loss

2007-01-29T09:37:00.002-08:00

Left as one

where once were two,

Nevermore to breathe for you.

Bereft of love

With heart unstrung

With words unspoken, songs unsung.

To suffer pain

Like none before

To lose your love, to live no more.

Loss

2007-01-29T09:37:00.001-08:00

Left as one

where once were two,

Nevermore to breathe for you.

Bereft of love

With heart unstrung

With words unspoken, songs unsung.

To suffer pain

Like none before

To lose your love, to live no more.

Shades of Blue

2007-01-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

When sunlight breaks and darkness falls

My thoughts will turn to you

Sweet pseudonym of love, my love,

Sweet Keri, shades of Blue.

Though far away from heart and home

Though far away from you

My memory shall call your name,

Sweet Keri, shades of Blue.

The loss of all I hold so dear

Has drained my heart of hue,

And all that stays of loves caress?

Sweet Keri, shades of Blue.

Coping with goodbye

2007-01-29T09:34:00.001-08:00

Bite your tongue and still your pride,

Keep the heartache locked inside,

Make it easy, save her sorrow,

Laugh today and cry tomorrow.

Find composure, keep control,

Be the one to take the fall.

Let her choose her rightful place,

Take a bow and leave the race.

For if your love is strong and true,

Her pain will bring more pain to you,

And when she leaves all that remains,

Are one man’s sadness, one man’s pains.

And the knowledge that throughout your sorrow,

The one you love will smile tomorrow.

For when true love is found one sided,

The dye is cast, your fate decided.

Where true love halved can’t be together,

True love lives in pain forever.

Political Asylum

2007-01-29T09:31:00.000-08:00

You’re fighting for justice and wielding your words,

Sending your soldiers to war.

You’re giving their lives for an acre of soil,

Is it something that’s worth dying for?

You take without asking of those duty bound,

You pay off your soldiers with holes in the ground.

You’re killing them all for political pride,

What good is your promise to those who have died.

Please tell me my savior, just who takes the blame,

When the people you’re saving are killed?

What price do you place on political schemes,

When there’s innocent blood being spilled.

You talk about peace and place guns in their hands,

You say there’s a reason but who understands?

You make the decisions, you pay with their lives,

Make orphans of children, make widows of wives.

Come throw down your briefcase and pick up a gun,

Then stand on the frontline and see.

Say goodbye to your family and stand by your words,

As you give up your life to be free.

For what good are words when the bullets are flying?

What price placed on pride when it’s your children crying?

If you were to fall and succumb to the slaughter,

Who would comfort your son, who would care for your daughter?

Please think of the families destroyed by your words

As you peacefully instigate wars,

And remember, my savior, as you murder more men,

That the blood on your hands is not yours.

Undelivered Letter

2007-01-29T09:30:00.000-08:00

Annie turned twelve and we sang happy birthday,

She’s pregnant by Dave who gets out in two years,

He said he’d stand by her and help with the kid,

She blew out the candles and held back the tears.

Peter was sent home from school yesterday

For using his fists on an innocent lad,

He’s having some trouble controlling his temper,

He hits without thinking, he’s just like his dad.

His father is trying to cut down his drinking,

It’s hard when you’re jobless, and Christ, he should know.

A thousand rejections and doors that were closed,

With the pubs always open, where else can you go?

Me? I’m just fine, all the bruises have healed,

And I’m back on my feet once again.

It’s a push to get by when the world holds you down,

But I still raise a smile now and then.

I just thought I’d write to somebody who cares,

To let you know how I have been,

And to tell them that I’m over here in the darkness,

Where the grass is not always so green.

Close my eyes...

2007-01-29T09:28:00.000-08:00

The final word has played the page,

The pen lies flat, now void of rage.

But who should read and who should care,

I close my eyes and rock the chair.

Memories etched on the face in the mirror,

Reflections of pity and sadness,

A handful of secrets, a heart full of pain

Are all that remain of his madness.

A ling life lived, but to what end?

No dearest love, no closest friend.

No heart held out for me to share,

I close my eyes and rock the chair.

Memories tainted by words of regret,

Reflections of moments long passed.

A heart held aloft and a head that is heavy,

His pain remains strong to the last.

Too old in years to make the change,

All ways but one are out of range.

I bind the rope with soul laid bare,

I close my eyes and rock the chair.

His eyes show the pain of a long life half lived,

A tear as he takes his last breath,

Reflecting the pain that he chooses to see

In his heart as he steps towards death.

And finally

2007-01-29T09:27:00.001-08:00

Fashion dictates that destruction is in,

Where once there were virtues now pride places sin.

A difference of colour is reason to riot.

The thin forced to eat and the fat forced to diet.

The old looking younger, the young looking old,

Forgotten war heroes are left in the cold.

Wars are begun in the name of two gods,

The people if fear of the leaders at odds.

Fame is forgiveness for murder and rape,

The innocent slaughtered, the guilty escape.

Children are filmed as they die of starvation,

The richest of all ask for help from the nation.

A half eaten corpse is fished from a lake,

Now cut to commercials it’s time for a break.

Reach for your coffee, it’s only TV,

With eyes tightly closed there is nothing to see.

Club Life

2007-01-29T09:26:00.001-08:00

Youth searching women and pubescent girls

Stage a frenzied attack on the floor,

Whilst a handful of pampered pursuant persuaders

Watch and wait for their chance to score.

Skylights that highlight strange laser-like beams.

Smooth barmen serve cocktails with care,

Whilst sombrous doormen watch over the crowd

Waiting for wars to declare.

Long distant glances and short distances love,

A hotbed of passion and hate.

Numbered rejections and casual objections

In search of a nocturnal mate.

Smart dress essential, pretension persists,

Reality can’t be allowed.

A shielding of conscience, a showcase of lies

For acceptance as one of the crowd.

The Podcast Guide

2007-01-24T07:12:00.000-08:00

To start the music simply press the play button on the podcast and the full collection of songs will begin playing. To select a different track click 'posts' then double click the song title of your choice.

To view the lyrics while listening to a particular song, right-click the lyric title in the list below and open the link in a new window.

To continue listening to music while reading the various posts, simly open each post in a new window.

Please try to remember that I am not a professional singer, nor musician. My ambitions lie in the writing of songs rather that the perfomance, a fact that should be quite evident by the quality of the music (although these are only the first drafts, recorded for evaluation purposes).

The first podcast collection contains twelve of the one hundred songs I have written. I managed to copywright the full 100 songs in january of 2005 but this is the first time I've actually recorded any of them.

I'll be working on a number of better songs over the next few months, since these were only chosen for their simplicity and not their quality, so hopefully things will improve.

Lyric Links...

Too Much Ugly People.

2007-01-24T06:45:00.001-08:00

There’s a lot of ugly people in the room,

There’s the smell of old wet dog and cheap perfume,

As I look among you now, I get to thinking – holy cow,

There’s a lot of ugly people in the room.

There’s a skull and crossbones hanging on the door,

And a lot of bodies lying on the floor,

There’s a drunk behind the bar, with a double barrelled scar,

There’s a lot of ugly people near and far.

If you’re ugly and you know it,

Grab your bulbous nose and blow it,

Flick your cauliflower ears,

And pluck your dangly nasal hairs,

And pat your little bald head,

Don’t look now, your eyes are red,

And there’s a lot of ugly people in my bed.

There’s just too much ugly people in this room,

It looks like poe-faced ugly season’s in full bloom,

As I look among you now, I get to thinking – holy cow,

There’s just too much ugly people in this room.

Will the ugly people stand and take a bow,

And smile as much as your face will allow,

I don’t mean to cause a fuss,

But it’s a case of them or us,

And there’s a lot of ugly people on my bus.

There’s no need to lose a stone,

Just look around you’re not alone,

We’re ugly people every one,

And we’ll be ugly ‘til we’re gone,

And so we may as well just cheer,

And drink a barrel full of beer,

‘cause there’s a lot of ugly people up in here.

We’re ugly, we’re ugly,

We’re cock-eyed and we’re pudgy,

We got corned beef legs and rashes,

We got numerous stains and splashes,

As I look among you now,

I get to thinking – god knows how,

But I’m just one of the ugly people – holy cow!

Pack your Bags!

2007-01-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

Sick of breaking the rules I didn’t know that you had made,

Tired of treading on eggshells and walking through the plans you’ve laid.

I’ve got to raise my voice you only hear me when I shout,

I got to do a little spin, I got to turn around and kick you out,