EXT. RIVER BANK/NIGHT
A SIGN-POST READS; RIVER
SITTING IN A ROW-BOAT IS THE FERRYMAN (TOD), WEARING A DARK ROBE WITH A HOOD.
TOD'S FACE IS HIDDEN BENETH THE SHADOW OF HIS HOOD, BUT HIS SKELETAL HANDS ARE VISIBLE AS HE IS READS A COPY OF THE SUN NEWSPAPER.
JENNY APPEARS AND APPROACHES THE BOAT.
JENNY IS WEARING A WONDER-WOMAN COSTUME AND LOOKING LOST.
TOD PEEKS OUT FROM OVER THE TOP OF HIS PAPER.
Hi. The guy over there said that you're supposed to take me across the river.
TOD LOWERS HIS PAPER AND SUCKS AIR THROUGH HIS TEETH.
Well... I don't really like going south of the river at this time of night, but... go on then, jump in.
RELIEVED, JENNY STEPS INTO THE BOAT AND SITS DOWN.
TOD PULLS OUT A CLIPBOARD FROM UNDER THE SEAT.
Okay, just a couple of standard questions and we'll be off. (PAUSE) Name?
TOD WRITES THE NAME ON HIS CLIPBOARD.
Geni-talia... and, cause of death?
Well, the last thing I can remember I was at a sci-fi convention, and somebody shouted 'Shatner's here!'.
Next thing I know I'm... well - I'm here.
TOD WRITES AGAIN.
TOD PUTS DOWN THE CLIPBOARD.
Okay, that's that. There's just the matter of payment and we'll be on our way.
TOD: (HOLING OUT HIS HAND)
Yes. It's two coins of any denomination to get from here to the other side.
But I don't have any money on me.
TOD: (RETRACTING HIS HAND)
Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to vacate the boat.
But I'm supposed to be on the other side.
Supposed to be doesn't buy my pringles. I've got a living to make here, now go on... bugger off!
But what am I supposed to do?
Anything you like love, just as long as you don't do it on my boat. Now go, on...shoo!
TOD SHOO'S JENNY OFF THE BOAT WITH HIS PAPER.
JENNY STEPS ONTO THE BANK.
This is rediculous!
Not as rediculous as you thinking you could get away without paying! Now go on, sod off and let me read my paper in peace.
TOD SNAPS THE PAPER OPEN LOUDLY TO SIGNIFY THE END OF THE CONVERSATION.
JENNY STANDS AT A LOSS FOR A MOMENT.
Wait a minute! I have got some money! it's here in my boot!
TOD LOWERS HIS PAPER AS JENNY RETRIEVES A CRUMPLED TEN POUND NOTE.
SHE HOLDS IT OUT TO HIM, BUT HE RAISES HIS PAPER AGAIN.
Exact change only.
Two coins of any denomination - not a wrinkly old tenner that smells like your feet thank you very much!
You can keep the change!
Sorry, coins only.
But what am I supposed to do now?
A MAN ENTERS DRESSED AS A KLINGON AND STEPS INTO THE BOAT, IGNORING JENNY.
TOD PICKS UP HIS CLIPBOARD.
TOD WRITES THE NAME, THEN REGARDS THE MANS COSTUME.
TOD WRITES THE DETAIL.
And do YOU have the right change?
Well... I've got two collectors edition Klingon-coins. Will they do?
Still in their original packaging?
Woo-hoo! For that you get the short-cut!
TOD PULLS A MOTOR-BOAT ENGINE FROM UNDER HIS SEAT AND FIXES IT TO THE BOAT.
Can't I jump in with him?
Sorry love, only one person in the cab at a time.
TOD STARTS THE ENGINE.
Well where am I supposed to get the right change from then!?
THE BOAT BEGINS TO PULL AWAY.
Don't worry love, they're building a starbucks over at the pit of despair, you can get change there when it opens!
But when will that be?!
THE BOAT IS GONE.
JENNY LOOKS AROUND AT A LOSS THEN LETS OUT A HEAVY SIGH.
I could just do with a coffee.
Monday, 22 January 2007
Don't pay the ferryman
EXT. RIVER BANK/NIGHT