Red-eye Villain and Abel

INT. EVIL LAIR

DR. RED-EYE IS SAT UPON HIS THRONE ADDRESSING A LARGE MONITOR THAT'S SET INTO THE WALL

ON THE MONITOR A NUMBER OF GENERALS ARE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE

RED-EYE IS WEARING BLACK SPACE ARMOUR WITH A RED EYE ON THE HELMET

RED: (TO MONITOR)
And so you see gentlemen, if you do not surrender the armies of earth and hand over all control of the planet to me, I will erase it from existence!

RED-EYE LAUGHS DEMONICALLY THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY

RED:
You have 24 hours to decide

RED-EYE SWITCHES OFF THE MONITOR, STANDS AND REMOVES HIS HELMET TO REVEAL A LESS THAN TERRIFYING BESPECTACLED GEEK BENEATH THE FACADE

RED: (SHOUTING)
Abel!

ABEL ENTERS WEARING A LAB COAT AND LOOKING AS EQUALLY GEEKISH AS RED-EYE

ABEL:
Yes?

RED:
Is the robot army ready?

ABEL:
Er, not quite

RED:
What do you mean - not quite? What's the hold up?

ABEL:
Well it's not easy you know. Robots are complicated, they've got fiddly bits

RED:
How far have you got?

ABEL:
Well, I've just been working on the death hammer series, they're coming along nicely

RED:
How nicely?

ABEL:
It took a while, but this morning I got one of them to take the lid off a pickle jar

RED:
I beg your pardon?

ABEL:
Well, I had to hold it for him, but he did all the unscrewing himself

RED:
A pickle jar

ABEL:
Yes, we're all very proud of that

RED:
Well that's just fantastic. Victory is certain! If the army of earth attack us with a barrage of preserved pickles and jam we'll have them just where we want them!

ABEL:
They'd have to hold the jars still

RED:
I'll have a word. (SIGH) What else have you got?

ABEL:
There's the Stompakill 6000

RED:
Does it work?

ABLE:
Would you like a demonstration?

RED:
Dazzle me

ABLE: (SHOUTING)
Stompakill Alpha! I command you to come here!

A SMALL TACKY HOME-MADE ROBOT ENTERS WEARING DOCK-MARTIN BOOTS AND STRUGGLING TO WALK UPRIGHT.

RED:
What the hell is that?!

THE ROBOT BUMPS INTO THE WALL

ABEL:
That's the Stompakill 6000

RED:
Is it drunk?

ABEL:
It's fine, it just needs a couple of minor adjustments

RED:
It needs a Zimmer-frame and glasses! Look at it!

THE ROBOT BUMPS INTO ABEL AND FALLS OVER, IT'S LEGS FLAILING IN THE AIR

RED:
How am I supposed to strike fear into the armies of earth with that bloody thing! It looks retarded!

ABLE: (PUT OUT)
It took me three years to develop that!

RED:
Three years! Three years for that shiny turd! Tell me you're joking, please!

ABEL:
It's not my fault! I'm going as fast as I can!

RED-EYE SUPRESSES HIS ANGER

RED:
Look, going by your progress so far, how long do you think it'll be before we're ready to take over the planet?

ABEL GIVES THE MATTER A GREAT DEAL OF THOUGHT

ABEL:
Thirty-six years

RED:
Thirty-six years? But I'll be... (QUIETLY) what - I'm nineteen now so if you add the.. ten and thirty are forty, plus..

STOMPAKILL:
36 plus 19 equals fish

RED EYE LOOKS AT THE ROBOT INCREDULOUSLY

RED:
Marvelous. I sold my second best guitar, mortgaged my shed... twice! And all I've got to show for it is a tin opener and a crap calculator! I may as well go home now!

ABEL:
What about the photon guns? You've still got those

RED:
You mean they're finished?

ABEL REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A RUBBER BAND

ABEL:
Got one here!

RED-EYE SCOWLS

RED:
It's an elastic band

ABEL:
Ah yes, but when you combine it with this..

ABEL STRETCHES THE BAND WITH HIS FINGERS AND FOLDS A SCRAP OF PAPER OVER IT

ABEL:
..it becomes a weapon of mass destruction!

ABEL ACCIDENTLY FIRES THE PAPER AT RED-EYE, HITTING HIM IN THE FOREHEAD

RED-EYE SIGHS.

ABEL PANICS

ABEL:
Medic! Medic! For god's sake Medic!

RED:
I'm fine

ABEL:
Dammit where's that medibot!

A TOILET ROLL TUBE ON MOTORIZED WHEELS ENTERS AND STOPS AT ABELS FEET

ABEL:
Thank god your here! This man needs medical help!

RED-EYE BEGINS TO SOB

FADE OUT