Sunday 21 January 2007

The Ruvvable Kim-jong-il

Here's a trio of short sketches I wrote featuring the Korean leader Kim Jong-il.

INT. LAVISH OFFICE

KIM JONG-IL IS SITTING WITH HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK HOLDING A HALF EMPTY BOTTLE OF WHISKEY AND WEARING A PAPER HAT.

HE NOTICES THE CAMERA, SITS UP, RAISES THE BOTTLE IN CHEER AND SMILES DRUNKENLY.

KIM JONG-IL:

Herro you plicks! It's me, your venelable reader - Kim Jong-il! I'm having a party - would you rike to come? (PAUSE) Well you can't! It's a plivate party and YOU'RE not invited!

KIM JONG-IL CHUCKLES.

KIM JONG-IL:

It's a new years ceriblation just for me, my crose flends and my fammery.

KIM JONG-IL LOOKS AROUND THE EMPTY ROOM, THEN LEANS IN TO WHISPER TO CAMERA.

KIM JONG-IL:

Unfortunattery, I got a rittle tipsy rast night and had them all beheaded.

KIM JONG-IL SITS BACK AND RAISES HIS BOTTLE.

KIM JONG-IL:(MERRILY)
Happy new year!



FADE OUT.

................

INT. LAVISH OFFICE.

KIM JONG-IL IS SITTING AT HIS DESK HOLDING A BUCKET OF POPCORN.

KIM JONG-IL: (TO CAMERA)
Blokeback mountain and Clash finery made it to the North Kolean blanch of Brockbusters. After all the hype I decided I'd better watch these two firrums, I wasn't expecting to enjoy myself and I wasn't disappointed... they were lubbish! Talk about pleachy firrums! If I wanted a recture I'd have gone to corridge - not the rocal cineplex!

KIM JONG-IL TAKES A MOUTHFUL OF POPCORN.

KIM JONG-IL:
Come on Horriwood - bling back Bing Closby!

FADE OUT.

................

INT. LAVISH OFFICE.

KIM JONG-IL IS SITTING AT HIS DESK HOLDING THE TELEPHONE RECIEVER AND LOOKING AT IT IN DISBELIEF.

HE SLAMS DOWN THE PHONE AND ADDRESSES THE CAMERA.

KIM JONG-IL:
I just called that Condorissa Lice to ask her if she could help me with my erection and she put the phone down on me! (PAUSE) I don't understand these Amelicans, they say they want me to have a fair and democlatic erection, then when I terriphone to ask for help - they call me sirry names and hang up!

KIM JONG-IL SLAMS HIS FIST ON THE DESK.

KIM JONG-IL:
Make up your mind Amelica! Don't tell me to hold an erection then spit in my face! It's just not light!

KIM JONG-IL SMILES MISCHIEVIOUSLY.

FADE OUT.




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