A game of two halves

INT. COMMENTATOR'S BOX

RON-ONE AND RON-TWO ARE SITTING WITH TWO LARGE MICROPHONES IN FRONT OF THEM.

BOTH ARE WEARING CAMEL-HAIR COATS.

RON-ONE: (INTO MIC)
Hello, and welcome back to the second half of this historic battle of the deities. If you've just joined us then you've missed one hell of a match. If you've been with us from the start then you'll know that's a lie.

RON-TWO: (INTO MIC)
That's right Ron, it's been crap. When the Thetan's - relative newcomers to religion - challenged the rest of the deities to a game of football, expectations were high, but so far neither the scientological aliens nor the inappropriately titled Holy Rollers have managed to dazzle in this charity spectacular.

RON-ONE:
Indeed Ron. With the exception of a brief scandal in the last ten minutes of the first half there's been very little action on the pitch, and what action there was seemed to be heavily dominated by the Thetans.

RON-TWO:
Yes, and with Buddha being sent off for trying to eat the ball the Holy Rollers are down to ten men, and despite the inadequacies of both teams you can't help but feel that the God-squad are going to need a miracle to win this one.

A WHISTLE BLOWS.

RON-TWO:
Well, let's see if they can find that miracle as the second half begins.

RON-ONE:
And it's the prophet Mohammed with the first kick. Forward to Shiva. Shiva to Vishnu. Vishnu to... oh no, he's lost it to the Thetan's number six.

RON-TWO:
I think that one's called Hubba-bubba-ho-tep Ron.

RON-ONE:
Well, whatever he's called he's making a run for the goal. He's past David Ike and now there's only Jesus between him and the back of the net... he shoots!

RON-TWO:
Jesus saves! Jesus saves the ball! Jesus has proven his critics wrong and prevented the Thetans from taking the lead. They said putting a man in goal with holes in his hands was a big mistake but tonight God's only son has... Oh but wait, the Thetan's are appealing to the referee.

RON-ONE:
Yes Ron, it appears they think Jesus handled the ball outside the box.

RON-TWO:
Surely they can't be serious.

RON-ONE:
They certainly can Ron, and what's more surprising is the fact that the referee seems to be agreeing with them.

RON-ONE:
Yes Ron, it seems the Thetans are using a space age technological mind ray in the hope of swaying his decision.

RON-ONE:
Well Ron, it's certainly worked - the Thetans have been awarded a penalty!

RON-TWO:
They have Ron, and it looks like God isn't best pleased with the decision.

RON-ONE:
Indeed, it looks like he's...

BOTH MEN GASP.

RON-ONE:
Oh dear.

RON-TWO:
Oh dear is right Ron, God has just smote the referee!

RON-ONE:
He won't like that.

RON-TWO:
No he won't Ron - he's dead!

RON-ONE:
They'll have to bring out a replacement before the match can continue, and that can only mean one thing for God.

RON-TWO:
Yes Ron, he's bound to get a red card for that. The smoting of referees is heavily frowned upon by the F.A. and with the squad down to nine men, there's little hope of victory for the Holy Rollers.

RON-ONE:
Well, the replacement ref is on and... yes, yes, it's a red card. God's been sent off.

RON-TWO:
But God's refusing to go Ron! He's... he's... He's mooning the new referee!

BOTH MEN GRIMACE.

RON-ONE:
Oh now that's not pretty!

RON-TWO:
No, and certainly not the behavior you expect to see at a charity event Ron.

RON-ONE:
Now what's he doing?!

RON-TWO:
Oh dear, it looks like God's legendary temper tantrums have reached a new low. It appears in protest of the decision he's invoking the rapture!

RON-ONE:
Well, that's not good news is it Ron?

RON-TWO:
Indeed it's not Ron, it looks like this is the end.

RON-ONE:
And what a disappointing end it is Ron.

RON-TWO:
That's right, a no score draw and the end of the world, not the result any of us were expecting.

RON-ONE:
No Ron.

A BRIGHT LIGHT FILLS THE COMMENTATORS BOX, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF ANGELS SINGING.

THE TWO RONS ARE FILLED WITH FEAR.

RON-ONE:
I love you Ron.

RON-TWO:
Ron?

RON-ONE:
I love you Ron.

RON-TWO'S FROWN TURNS TO A LOOK OF ADORATION.

THEY CLOSE IN SLOWLY FOR A KISS, THEN SUDDENLY DISAPPEAR IN A PUFF OF SMOKE

FADE OUT