Friday 30 March 2007

Twenty Gossip Sketches

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Sketch #1: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 1.
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White to find out the latest gossip from Hollywood.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HENRY SITTING IN FRONT OF A MOCK HOLLYWOOD HILLS BACKDROP.

JUDY: (TO MONITOR)
Hello Henry, nice to see you again.

HENRY: (HAPPILY)
Hi Judy.

JUDY:
I hear you’ve got hold of some really juicy gossip for us Henry?

HENRY:
Indeed I have.

JUDY:
Well don’t keep us in suspense – dish the dirt!

HENRY:
Well Judy, it appears that a certain UK TV star was arrested in downtown L.A. this morning after being caught engaged in a lewd act with... wait for it... (PAUSE FOR EFFECT) a Rhode Island Chicken!

JUDY:
No!

HENRY:
Oh yes, and that's not the worst of it!

JUDY:
Really?

HENRY:
No. Rumour has it that the celebrity in question was... (PAUSE) ...me!

JUDY: (SHOCKED)
What?!

HENRY:
That's right - I f**ked a chicken! Right there on the street! (PAUSE) I'm gonna f**k another one in a minute - do you want to watch?

JUDY SHOOTS AN ANGRY LOOK OFF-CAMERA AS (ON THE MONITOR) HENRY STANDS AND PRODUCES A LIVE CHICKEN.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We'll be right back.

ON THE MONITOR HENRY IS STRUGGLING TO KEEP HOLD OF THE CHICKEN WHILE UNDOING HIS TROUSERS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #2: THE SCHOOL BUS.
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INT. MOVING SCHOOL BUS

THE BUS IS FULL OF CHILDREN AGED AROUND TWELVE YEARS OLD. ALL ARE WEARING MATCHING UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

TIMMY AND ERIC ARE SITTING SIDE BY SIDE, WHILE IN THE SEATS DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THEM ARE MARY AND JOHN.

JOHN TURNS IN HIS SEAT TO TALK TO ERIC.

JOHN:
How come you weren’t at football last night.

ERIC LOOKS AWAY SHEEPISHLY, HIS FACE REDDENING.

TIMMY:
He won’t say.

JOHN:
Why not?

TIMMY SHRUGS.

MARY TURNS IN HER SEAT TO LOOK AT ERIC.

MARY:
Is it a secret?

THE OTHER CHILDREN ON THE BUS ARE SUDDENLY CURIOUS.

CHILD #1:
Is what a secret?

CHILD#2:
Who's got a secret?

CHILD #1:
Him over there.

CHILD #3:
What is it?

CHILD #4:
I don't know, he won't say!

CHILD #3:
Why wont he say?!

Child #5:
Is it dirty?

AS THE OTHER CHILDREN CONTINUE TO PRESS THE MATTER, ERIC BECOMES ANGRIER AND ANGRIER, UNTIL AT LAST HE CAN TAKE IT NO MORE AND LEAPS TO HIS FEET.

ERIC: (SHOUTING TO ALL)
Alright fine! I’ll tell you – alright!?

THE OTHER CHILDREN FALL SILENT.

ERIC:
If you must know I had my first period -okay!? There, I said it! I'm on the rag! Happy now?!

ERIC SITS DOWN HARD IN HIS SEAT AND FOLDS HIS ARMS SULKILY.

THE OTHER CHILDREN ARE STUNNED AND SETTLE BACK INTO THEIR SEATS UNCOMFORTABLY.

MARY AND JOHN TURN BACK AROUND TO FACE THE FRONT OF THE BUS AS ERIC STARES OUT OF THE WINDOW SADLY.

AFTER A WHILE, MARY CAN HOLD HER CURIOSITY NO MORE AND TURNS TO QUIETLY ASK ERIC A QUESTION.

MARY:
What’s it like?

ERIC THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

ERIC:
Lumpy.

MARY NODS SLOWLY.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch 3: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 1
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OPENING CREDITS FOR THE NINE O’CLOCK NEWS.

CUT TO:

INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS SITTING FORMALLY BEHIND THE NEWS-DESK SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.

HE NOTICES THE CAMERA, PUTS DOWN THE PAPERS AND SUDDENLY BECOMES OVER-EFFEMINATE.

NEWSREADER:
Ooh hello, you'll never guess what happened to Tony Blair today. Go on - have a guess. No? Well I'll tell you - He's only gone and signed a new trade agreement with Sweden!!

HE CLAPS HIS HANDS TO HIS FACE IN MOCK SURPRISE.

NEWSREADER:
I know!!! He's off his head! ... But listen, you can't tell anybody - okay? This is just between you and me.

THE NEWSREADER WINKS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #4: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 2.
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White to find out the latest gossip from Hollywood.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HENRY, SITTING IN FRONT OF A MOCK HOLLYWOOD HILLS BACKDROP.

JUDY: (TO MONITOR)
Henry, I hear you've got something juicy for us.

HENRY:
Indeed I have Judy, a little birdie told me that a certain celebrity TV presenter from the U of K got himself involved in what we call an ‘orgy’ last night…

JUDY LOOKS SUSPICIOUS.

HENRY: (CONT’D)
…and apparently he was spotted taking numerous illegal substances while indulging in what can only be described as a multi-sexual slop-out!

JUDY IS CLEARLY ANNOYED.

JUDY:
And was that celebrity YOU Henry?

HENRY: (EXCITED)
Yes! Yes it was! (PAUSE) It was great!!

JUDY TURNS TO FACE THE CAMERA AND OPENS HER MOUTH TO SPEAK.

HENRY:
I’m doing it again tonight!

JUDY: (ANGRILY)
Thank you Henry White from Hollywood. Up next - cooking with Kirsty.

HENRY:
Anyone fancy a blumpy?

JUDY TRIES TO FORCE A SMILE.

JUDY:
We’ll be right back.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #5 : ONE STEP AHEAD.
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INT. CAFE

MAUREEN THE MARVELOUS IS SITTING AT A TABLE BY THE WINDOW DRINKING COFFEE.

THE WAITRESS (JANET) IS CLEANING DOWN THE COUNTER.

EDNA WALKS PAST THE WINDOW IN A HURRY, SEES MAUREEN AND DOUBLES BACK TO ENTER THE CAFE.

EDNA HURRIES TO THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN FACING MAUREEN, EAGER TO SHARE HER NEWS.

EDNA:
You'll never guess who...

MAUREEN:
Henry Jackson.

EDNA IS MOMENTARILY SURPRISED.

EDNA:
Yes, but do you know what he used to put...

MAUREEN:
A turkey baster.

EDNA: (FROWNING)
Ah, but did you hear how far he...

MAUREEN:
Up to the elbow.

EDNA IS CLEARLY ANNOYED.

EDNA:
And his wife was...

MAUREEN:
Three sheets to the wind with her legs in the air.

EDNA:
...while the...

MAUREEN:
Dog licked the juices from her carpet. I know – Janet told me (NODDING TO WAITRESS).

EDNA SCOWLS AT JANET AS SHE APPROACHES THE TABLE WITH A COFFEE POT.

JANET:
Would you like a coffee Edna?

EDNA: (BITTERLY)
No thanks Janet, I'm just leaving.

EDNA STORMS OUT IN A HUFF.

JANET:
Strange.

SHE REFILLS MAUREEN’S CUP.

JANET: (CONT’D)
Anyway, forgot to ask - how are those psychic lessons going?

MAUREEN SHAKES HER HEAD.

MAUREEN:
Waste of money. (PAUSE) Did you hear about Henry Jackson and his wife?

JANET:
No - what happened?

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW A WOMAN WALKS PAST WITH A LIVE PIG PULLED DOWN OVER HER HEAD, BUT THE STRANGE SIGHT GOES UNNOTICED BY THE WOMEN IN THE CAFE.

FADE OUT:

END.

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Sketch #6: BRENDA’S FIRST DAY
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EXT. SCHOOL PLAYING FIELDS.

A GROUP OF TEENAGE SCHOOLGIRLS ARE SAT ON THE GRASS IN A SEMI-CIRCLE. ALL ARE WEARING MATCHING SCHOOL UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

AMONGST THE GIRLS ARE BRENDA, GINA AND FELICITY.

FELICITY: (TO BRENDA)
So how are you liking your first day?

BRENDA:
It’s been okay.

GINA:
Who’s your form teacher?

BRENDA:
Mrs. Grey.

GINA:
Oh she’s nice.

ONE OF THE OTHER GIRLS NOTICES SOMETHING OFF-CAMERA.

OTHER GIRL #1:
Oh great! Here comes Jessy.

THE REST OF THE GIRLS LOOK OFF-CAMERA AND GROAN IN UNISON.

BRENDA:
Who's Jessy?

FELICITY:
She’s the school’s gossip monster. She’s into everybody's business.

OTHER GIRL #1:
She looks like she's got some big news.

GINA:
She's always got big news.

OTHER GIRL #2:
She’s a big girl.

JESSY COMES STUMBLING INTO VIEW, OUT OF BREATH, AND FALLS TO HER KNEES IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS.

JESSY STARTS SPEAKING AT AN ALARMING RATE, HER PITCH RISING RAPIDLY WITH EACH HURRIED WORD.

JESSY:
You’ll never guess what happened it’s amazing I’ve just seen Mrs. Pink and you won’t believe what she’s gone and done it defies explanation you have to see it with your own eyes do you want me to tell you what happened it’s incredible just listen to…

JESSY’S PITCH AND WORDS BECOME INCOHERENT AS THE EXCITEMENT OF THE NEWS OVERTAKES HER.

SHE SUDDENLY EXPLODES, SHOWERING THE GIRLS WITH INNARDS AND BLOOD.

BRENDA IS IN SHOCK AS SHE LOOKS TO THE FLESH AND GORE COVERING HER UNIFORM. A LARGE PIECE OF JESSY IS STUCK TO HER CHIN.

FELICITY PICKS THE MEAT FROM BRENDA’S CHIN AND SMOOTHES HER HAIR.

FELICITY:
You’ll get used to that.

GINA: (TO BRENDA)
Have you been in the library yet?

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #7: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 3
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White to find out the latest gossip from Hollywood.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HENRY, SITTING IN FRONT OF A MOCK HOLLYWOOD HILLS BACKDROP.

JUDY:
Now Henry, do you have any gossip about celebrities who aren't you?

HENRY:
Yes I do Judy, I've got a really juicy story about Tom Cruise.

JUDY SIGHS WITH RELIEF

HENRY:
As you know Tom Cruise recently received a record two-hundred million dollars to appear in the recently completed sequel to top-gun - cleverly entitled Top Gun three.
.
JUDY:
Yes?

HENRY:
Well, last night I was invited to a preview screening of the movie.

JUDY:
Really! And was it any good?

HENRY:
I'm not sure - I got thrown out for having a w*nk.

JUDY ANGRILY TURNS TO CAMERA.

HENRY:
Had to finish myself off in the foyer.

JUDY:
We’ll be right back.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch#8: SHOP GIRLS PART 1.
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INT. NEWSAGENTS.

FREDA IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER DRINKING COFFEE. KERRY’S IS NERVOUSLY LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

FREDA:
Shouldn’t you be at the opticians?

KERRY:
I’m not going yet! Death Bed Jimmy’s out there!

FREDA:
I thought he was down at the hospital visiting Dodgy Bill?

KERRY:
He died this morning.

FREDA:
Already? Jimmy’s only been to see him twice!

KERRY:
I know – he’s on a roll!

FREDA:
Well you just wait ‘til he’s gone then. I need you to stack the shelves later.

KERRY GOES AROUND THE COUNTER AND PICKS UP HER COFFEE.

KERRY:
You know, when I went in to get my farmers popped I had nightmares about Death-bed Jimmy coming to visit me.

FREDA:
I know what you mean, he’s like the angel of death in a tank-top. I was having a hot flush one day and he knocked on the kitchen window – I nearly crapped myself!

KERRY:
What did he want?

FREDA:
He just came round to tell me who died that week, still scared the Maltesers out of me though!

KERRY:
It’s a bit odd when you think about it.

FREDA:
What?

KERRY:
Well, if everybody he visits in hospital dies, why don’t the hospital just stop him from visiting people?

FREDA:
You’re kidding! They love him down there, he clears a bed a week – two in winter! They’ve even started putting his name on the death certificate.

KERRY:
Yeah, right.

FREDA:
Honestly! Cause of death – friend of Jimmy Collins.

KERRY: (GIGGLING)
Famous last words, (FEIGNING FEAR) those grapes aren’t for me are they Jimmy?

BOTH WOMEN BURST INTO LAUGHTER.

THE SHOP-DOOR OPENS AND DEATH BED JIMMY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS.

DEATH BED JIMMY:
Have you got any beans?

BOTH WOMEN SCREAM LOUDLY AND DUCK DOWN BEHIND THE COUNTER.

CUT TO:

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Sketch #9: NAME DROPPING.
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EXT. PARK/BENCH.

TWO ALSATIANS ARE SITTING ON THE BENCH WEARING HUMAN CLOTHES.

DOG #1 IS READING A NEWSPAPER. DOG#2 IS WATCHING SOMETHING OFF-CAMERA.

DOG#1:
I see that Madonna's bought another baby.

DOG#2:
Another one! My god, she doesn’t half go though ‘em.

DOG #1 NODS.

DOG#1:
You know… I sniffed her bum once.

DOG#2:
Yeah?

DOG#1 NODS.

DOG#2:
And?

DOG #1 TAKES A MOMENT TO REMEMBER.

DOG#1:
Smelled like sh*t.

DOG#2:
Nice.

DOG #2 IS DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING OUT OF VIEW.

DOG#1: (SHOUTING OFF-CAMERA)
Hey! Pack it in!

CUT TO:


EXT. PARK/GRASS.

TWO NAKED MEN ARE DOWN ON ALL FOURS BY A TREE.

MAN #1 IS TRYING TO MOUNT MAN#2.

DOG#1: (O.O.V.)
Don’t make me come over there!

MAN#1 SKULKS AWAY.

MAN#2 LIFTS HIS LEG AND PEES AGAINST THE TREE.

CUT BACK TO:

EXT. PARK/BENCH.

DOG#1 IS LOOKING ANGRILY OFF CAMERA.

DOG#2:
You should get him neutered.

DOG ONE HOLDS UP THE PAPER.

DOG#1:
He’d only adopt.

DOG#2 NODS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch#10: SIZE MATTERS
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INT. WORKS CANTEEN.

THE CANTEEN IS FULL OF OFFICE WORKERS SELECTING AND ENJOYING THEIR LUNCH.

JULIE AND SARAH HAVE JUST PAID FOR THEIR TRAYS OF FOOD AND ARE LOOKING FOR A SEAT.

DESPITE HER SLENDER BUILD, JULIE WADDLES WHEN SHE WALKS.

A HANDSOME MAN WALKS PAST THE TWO, MAKING SARAH SMILE.

SARAH:
He’s nice.

JULIE:
Gay.

SARAH:
Who told you that?!

JULIE:
Mike from finance.

SARAH:
Really? I’d never have guessed.

SARAH INDICATES ANOTHER MAN.

SARAH: (CONT’D)
What about him, is he single?

JULIE:
Yeah, but he’s got a very tiny penis.

SARAH:
No!

JULIE:
Yep. It’s like a lonely goose-bump.

SARAH:
How do you know?!

JULIE:
Debbie from accounting got him in the cupboard at the Christmas do.

SARAH:
She’s married!

JULIE:
I know.

THE TWO FIND A TABLE AND SET THEIR TRAYS DOWN.

SARAH: (INDICATING A NEARBY MAN)
What about Fred?

JULIE:
Fred? Now he’s the opposite. He’s got a massive willy. TOO big in fact.

SARAH:
I didn’t think there was such a thing!

JULIE:
Apparently there is.

SARAH STUDIES THE MAN AS SHE TAKES TO HER SEAT.

SARAH:
How big can it be?

JULIE:
Like a leg without a foot.

SARAH:
Nooo! Who told you that?!

JULIE OPENS HER HANDBAG AND PULLS OUT AN INFLATED RUBBER RING.

JULIE:
I can’t remember.

JULIE PUTS THE RING ON HER SEAT AND PAINFULLY TRIES TO SIT DOWN.

FADE OUT:

END.

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Sketch #11: TEACHER’S PET
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INT. CLASSROOM.

THE CLASSROOM IS HALF FULL OF PUPILS. ALL ARE WEARING MATCHING UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

MORE PUPILS ARE FILING IN AND TAKING TO THEIR SEATS.

HOLLY ENTERS LOOKING AROUND IN EXCITEMENT AND APPROACHES A GIRL NAMED MEREDITH.

HOLLY:
Is Mrs. Pink here yet?

MEREDITH:
No she's not - why.

HOLLY:
Oh man! Didn't you hear?

MEREDITH:
Hear what?

HOLLY:
What happened?

MEREDITH:
No, what happened?

HOLLY:
You don't know?

MEREDITH:
No - I don't know. What happened?

HOLLY:
Have a guess?

MEREDITH:
Just tell me?

HOLLY:
Have a guess? You'll never get it!

MEREDITH:
So what's the point in guessing?!

HOLLY:
To see if you can.

MEREDITH:
Can what?

HOLLY:
Guess what happened?

MEREDITH:
What happened?

HOLLY:
Guess?

MEREDITH:
Guess what?!

HOLLY: (FROWNING)
What?

MEREDITH:
No, I mean - what happened?

HOLLY:
Who to?

MEREDITH:
Mrs. Pink!

HOLLY:
Oh wow - yeah! You'll never guess.

MEREDITH THROWS HER HANDS UP IN EXASPERATION.

MEREDITH:
Right! That's it - I don't care anymore.

SHE TAKES TO HER SEAT.

HOLLY:
Go on, have a guess!

MEREDITH:
I don't want to know.

HOLLY:
Alright I'll tell you, she...

MEREDITH HOLDS UP HER HAND TO SILENCE HOLLY.

MEREDITH:
Too late. I don’t want to know.

HOLLY:
But!

MEREDITH:
Nope!

HOLLY SULKILY SITS AT THE DESK IN FRONT OF MEREDITH.

HOLLY:
You'll find out when she...

MEREDITH:
Shhh!

HOLLY:
You'd never have guessed anyway, you’re just…

MEREDITH:
Shhh!!

THE SOUND OF HIGH HEELS APPROACHING SENDS ALL THE CHILDREN RUSHING TO THEIR DESKS.

MRS. PINK ENTERS AND THE CHILDREN ALL GASP IN HORROR.

SHE IS WEARING A LIVE PIG LIKE A BALACLAVA, HER HEAD STUCK UP IT’S RECTUM ALL THE WAY TO HER NECK.

MRS. PINK BOUNCES OFF THE WALLS TRYING TO FIND HER DESK.

THE CHILDREN ALL LOOK SHOCKED, AS DOES THE PIG.

HOLLY TURNS IN HER SEAT SMUGLY.

HOLLY: (TO MEREDITH)
Told you.

MEREDITH’S MOUTH IS AGAPE.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #12: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 2
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INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS GLANCING OVER HIS NOTES.

NEWSREADER: (TO CAMERA)
Did you hear what that George Bush said about carbon emissions?! What a bitch! Mind you, he’s no room to talk, it says here that the he’s planning to greatly decrease the trading laws governing independent oil refineries and reduce the limitations placed upon the use of hazardous material in chemical plants throughout the USA, thus further damaging the environment and causing greater risk of ill-health to those who work in the industry. (PAUSE) The two faced cow.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #13: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 4
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA BESIDE A LARGE COLOUR MONITOR.

ON THE MONITOR IS THE CAPTION: THE JUDY VINEGAR SHOW.

JUDY: (TO CAMERA)
We go now to our celebrity guru Henry White who’s apparently live in London where a news story is just breaking.

JUDY TURNS TO THE MONITOR AS IT CUTS TO A SHOT OF HYDE PARK, WHERE HENRY IS ON ALL FOURS IN A TIN BATH FULL OF BEANS WRESTLING A LARGE PIG.

HE IS WEARING NOTHING OTHER THAN A PAIR OF BLACK LEATHER BRIEFS AND COWBOY BOOTS.

HENRY CONTINUES TO WRESTLE THE PIG AS HE TALKS TO JUDY.

HENRY:
Hello Judy! Rumour has it that one of the UK's top TV entertainers has apparently lost his mind and is currently wrestling a pig in a pool of baked beans somewhere in Hyde Park! I can't reveal the name but I can assure you - it's not me.

JUDY GROWLS.

JUDY:
Henry – it is you. I can see you.

HENRY:
No you can't.

JUDY.
Henry, I can see you wrestling the pig right now and it’s disgusting!

HENRY STOPS WRESTLING THE PIG FOR A MOMENT AND GIGGLES.

HENRY:
All right – you’ve got me. I’m the pig wrestler, but this is nothing! You should see what I’m going to do when I’ve got her subdued!

HENRY LOOKS TO SOMEBODY OFF CAMERA.

HENRY:
It IS a she isn’t it?

HENRY CLEARLY DOESN’T LIKE THE ANSWER HE RECEIVES. HE LET’S GO OF THE PIG AND STANDS.

HENRY: (TO JUDY)
Well Judy I've just found out that the pig is in fact male, so it looks like I'm going to need some sort of lubricant (PAUSE) We'll be right back.

HENRY STOMPS OFF.

JUDY LOOKS TO THE CAMERA IN DISBELIEF.

ON THE MONITOR BEHIND HER, THE PIG BEGINS EATING THE BEANS.

FADE OUT.

END.

..............
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Sketch #14: PICKING UP THE PIECES.
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EXT. SCHOOL PLAYING FIELDS.

TWO TEENAGE BOYS ARE SLOWLY WALKING AROUND A SMALL BLOOD SPLATTERED AREA OF THE PLAYING FIELD CARRYING LARGE BASKETS.

THEY ARE WEARING IDENTICAL UNIFORMS WITH MAROON BLAZERS.

THE BOYS ARE PICKING UP CHUNKS OF FLESH AND INNARDS RECENTLY EXPLODED FROM A GOSSIPING SCHOOLGIRL.

BOY#1:
How come WE have to pick all this up?

BOY#2:
Because we were late.

BOY#1:
Oh. (PAUSE) Still, it’s not exactly fair is it?

BOY#2:
Could be worse?

BOY#1:
How!

BOY#2:
It could have been Busybody Bernard that exploded. (PAUSE) Besides, we’re nearly done.

BOY#1: (NODDING)
True.

THE BOYS CONTINUE TO PICK UP THE LAST FEW PIECES OF FLESH UNTIL BOY#1 SPOTS SOMEBODY APPROACHING.

BOY#1:
Speak of the devil.

BOY#2 LOOKS UP.

BOY#2:
Oh great. What’s HE want?

BOY#1: (OFF-CAMERA)
Bugger off Bernard.

BERNARD APPEARS AND EAGERLY APPROACHES THE BOYS, A SMUG GRIN ON HIS FACE.

BERNARD: (TAUNTING)
I know something you don’t know! I know something you don’t…

BERNARD SUDDENLY EXPLODES, SHOWERING THE BOYS WITH A MASSIVE AMOUNT OF BLOOD AND BITS.

THE TWO BOYS LOOK DOWN AT THE GORE ON THEIR UNIFORMS.

BOY#1:
We’ll that’s just great! We’ll be here all night now!

THE TWO BOYS SURVEY THE CARNAGE, SHAKE THEIR HEADS THEN START PICKING UP THE PIECES OF BERNARD AND DROPPING THEM IN THEIR BASKETS.

BOY#1: (SULKILY)
I wanted to watch the Judy Vinegar show.

BOY#2:
It’s been cancelled.

BOY#1:
What?! Why?

BOY#2 PERKS UP.

BOY#2:
You mean you don’t know?!

BOY#1:
No, why? What happened?

BOY#2: (EXCITED)
Oh wow! I thought you already knew! Listen to this!

BOY#2 SUDDENLY EXPLODES, SHOWERING BOY#1 WITH A FRESH BLAST OF GORE.

BOY#1 GRUNTS AND DROPS HIS BASKET.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch#15: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 3
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INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS SMILING SECRETIVELY.

NEWSREADER: (TO CAMERA)
You know that John Prescott?

HE LOOKS AROUND DISCREETLY TO CHECK NOBODY ELSE IS LISTENING.

NEWSREADER: (WHISPERING)
Hasn’t he got a fat a*se!

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #16: SHOP-GIRLS PART 2.
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INT. NEWSAGENTS.

KERRY AND FREDA ARE STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER DRINKING COFFEE. KERRY’S EYES ARE REDDENED AND CLEARLY CAUSING HER PAIN.

FREDA:
How are the contact lenses?

KERRY STRUGGLES TO OPEN HER EYES.

KERRY:
Can’t see a bloody thing. (PAUSE) I saw Mrs. Black while I was waiting at the opticians though.

FREDA:
Oh yes, how’s life down on the farm?

KERRY:
Not too good. Her cows are so old now that they’re starting to produce powdered milk, her bull’s impotent, her dog’s moved out and bought a place in the city, her husband spontaneously combusted and to top it off somebody’s stolen her prize pig.

FREDA:
You’re joking! Does she know who took it?

KERRY:
No, but the police are looking into it.

FREDA:
She wants to be careful.

KERRY:
Why?

FREDA:
They might find her stash.

KERRY:
What stash?!

FREDA:
Her marijuana.

KERRY: (SHOCKED)
No! I didn’t know she was a pot head!

FREDA:
Oh come on – you must have!

KERRY:
I had no idea!

FREDA:
Well, she definitely is.

KERRY:
Wow.

FREDA TAKES A SIP OF HER COFFEE AS KERRY PONDERS THE REVELATION.

FREDA:
What was she doing in the opticians anyway? Her vision’s 20/20.

KERRY:
Oh, she was eating all the bifocals.

THE SHOP DOOR OPENS AND HENRY WHITE ENTERS WEARING NOTHING BUT A PAIR OF BLACK LEATHER BRIEFS, COWBOY BOOTS AND A LAYER OF BEAN JUICE.

FREDA WATCHES IN STUNNED DISBELIEF AS HE APPROACHES THE COUNTER.

KERRY: (SQUINTING)
Hello there, what can I get for you?

HENRY:
A tube of lubricant please.

EYES STILL BLURRY, KERRY FEELS AROUND THE SHELF BEHIND THE COUNTER AND RETRIEVES A SMALL TUBE FOR HENRY.

KERRY:
Two pounds please.

HENRY PULLS A FIVE POUND NOT FROM HIS BRIEFS AND DROPS IT INTO KERRY’S HAND.

HENRY:
Keep the change.

HENRY EXITS IN A HURRY.

KERRY PUTS THE MONEY IN THE TILL.

KERRY:
That was nice of him.

THE SHOP DOOR SWINGS CLOSED.

FREDA: (STILL STUNNED)
That was Henry White!

KERRY:
What – him off the telly?!

FREDA:
Yeah!

KERRY:
You should have asked for his autograph!

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #17: HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP PART 5.
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INT. DAYTIME TV STUDIO

JUDY IS SITTING ON A SOFA SOBBING SOFTLY.

A NUMBER OF TECHNICIANS ARE CLUMSILY DISMANTLING THE SET.

SHE DESPERATELY GRABS THE ARM OF THE NEAREST TECHNICIAN.

JUDY: (PLEADING)
What’s a blumpy?

THE TECHNICIAN SHRUGS HER OFF.

TECHNICIAN:
You don’t want to know love.

JUDY:
I do! Please – just tell me!!

IGNORING JUDY, THE TECHNICIAN PICKS UP THE MONITOR AND EXITS.

JUDY:
Please!

JUDY BEGINS SOBBING AGAIN.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #18: WHAT WILL FLY?
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INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

A DOCTOR (JAMES) IS BENT OVER PEEKING THROUGH A GAP IN THE DOOR OF AN EXAMINATION ROOM.

ON THE WALL BY THE DOOR IS A TELEPHONE.

LYNDA STEPS UP BEHIND JAMES HOLDING A BROWN PAPER BAG.

LYNDA:
James Pink! Just what do you think you’re doing?!

JAMES JUMPS AND TURNS TO FACE HIS WIFE.

JAMES:
Oh! Hello dear – you made me jump. Shouldn’t you be at school?

LYNDA HOLDS UP THE BAG.

LYNDA:
I thought I’d drop your lunch off, but apparently you’re too busy being a pervert. Would you like me to call back when you’ve emptied your marble-sack?

JAMES LOOKS BACK AT THE EXAM ROOM DOOR.

JAMES:
Oh that! No, it’s not what you think! There’s a celebrity in there!

LYNDA:
Oh right, and you just couldn’t wait to be first with all the gossip. Honestly James, you’re worse than a woman sometimes.

SHE THRUSTS THE SANDWICHES INTO HIS HANDS.

JAMES:
Yeah, but listen – it’s that Henry White off the telly.

LYNDA:
I don’t care! I’ve got a class to teach.

JAMES:
Wait listen, you have to hear this – he covered his winky in superglue and stuck it up a pig’s bum!

LYNDA:
Did you just say winky? For God’s sake James you’re a doctor!

JAMES:
That’s not all! The pig just ate a bath of baked beans and now it’s ready to blow!

LYNDA:
James, this gossip mongering has got to stop! You’re a grown man!

JAMES:
You should see it – it’s blown up to the size of a cow! (EXCITEDLY) It might pop!

LYNDA:
Right! I’m going! If your gossip is more important than our…

SUDDENLY THERE IS A LOUD BANG FOLLOWED BY A STRAINED FARTING NOISE.

THE EXAM ROOM DOOR SHATTERS AS A RAPIDLY DEFLATING PIG BLASTS THROUGH, BOUNCES AROUND THE CORRIDOR, REBOUNDS OFF THE WALL AND SLAMS DOWN ANUS FIRST OVER LYNDA’S HEAD.

THE PIG SQUEALS WITH DISCOMFORT AS LYNDA STAGGERS AROUND, UNABLE TO SEE.

JAMES STARES ON IN AMAZEMENT.

ALTHOUGH HER VOICE IS TOO MUFFLED TO HEAR, IT IS CLEAR SHE WANTS JAMES TO HELP.

JAMES QUICKLY REACHES FOR THE PHONE AND DIALS.

JAMES: (INTO PHONE)
Terry? You’ll never guess what’s just happened?

JAMES SUDDENLY EXPLODES, COVERING THE CORRIDOR..

THE NOISE STARTLES LYNDA BUT SHE CANNOT DETERMINE WHERE IT CAME FROM.

SHE RAISES HER WATCH TO WHERE HER FACE USED TO BE AND MIMES THE REALIZATION THAT SHE IS LATE.

SHE STAGGERS OFF DOWN THE CORRIDOR, BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS ALL THE WAY.

MOMENTS AFTER SHE IS GONE, DEATH BED JIMMY ENTERS CARRYING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS AND SLIPS IN JAMES’S GIBLETS, FALLS ON HIS FACE AND KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch 19: HERE IS THE NEWS PART 4
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INT. NEWS-ROOM.

THE NEWSREADER IS SITTING FORMALLY BEHIND THE NEWS-DESK SHUFFLING HIS PAPERS.

NEWSREADER:
I’m off to the shops now, but before I go it’s time to check in with Maureen the Marvelous for the weather.

THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW THAT MAUREEN IS STANDING IN-FRONT OF A MAP OF THE UK BESIDE THE NEWS-DESK HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE.

NEWSREADER: (TO MAUREEN)
Hey Maureen, you’ll never guess who…

MAUREEN:
Mrs. Pink.

NEWSREADER:
Yeah, but do you know what…

MAUREEN:
A farty pig.

NEWSREADER:
Ah, but do you know why it…

MAUREEN:
Because it’s bum was plugged with a celebrity winky.

THE NEWSREADER FOLDS HIS ARMS SULKILY AND TURNS AWAY IN A HUFF.

NEWSREADER: (TO CAMERA)
I bloody hate gossips.

HE SHOOTS MAUREEN A DIRTY LOOK.

FADE OUT.

END.

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Sketch #20: ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.
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INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

THE EXAM ROOM DOOR IS HANGING OFF IT’S HINGES, THE TELEPHONE IS SWINGING LOOSE FROM IT’S CRADLE, THE CORRIDOR IS FULL OF GORE AND DEATH BED JIMMY IS LYING FACE DOWN IN A POOL OF DOCTOR PINK.

HENRY WHITE STEPS SHEEPISHLY OUT OF THE EXAM ROOM WEARING NOTHING BUT HIS COWBOY BOOTS.

HE SURVEYS THE MESS AND SPOTS DEATH BED JIMMY LYING ON THE FLOOR.

HENRY SMILES AN EVIL GRIN AND REACHES INTO HIS POCKET.

HE PULLS A SMALL TUBE FROM HIS POCKET, CHECKS NOBODY IS WATCHING AND BEGINS TRYING TO PULL DOWN HENRY’S PANTS.

FADE OUT.

END.

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