The show must go on

This script was written to follow a sci-fi brief, but I decided to incorporate an idea for a recurring theme I had involving various comedy uses for the Benny Hill theme tune.

INT. ALIEN SHIP/PROBE ROOM

THE ROOM IS WHITE AND LOOKS EXTREMELY STERILE. THERE'S A LONG MIRROR RUNNING THE LENGTH OF ONE WALL.

NUMEROUS MEDICAL TOOLS ARE LAID OUT ON A TABLE BESIDE THE ROOMS ONLY DOOR.

SUSPENDED FROM THE CIELING IS A LARGE MECHANICAL DEVICE WITH A NUMBER OF ROBOTIC ARMS, EACH ONE TIPPED WITH A DIFFERENT PHALLIC PROBE.

BILL AND BARRY ARE LYING FACE DOWN, COMPLETELY NAKED, BOUND HAND AND FOOT TO TWO SEPERATE TABLES BENEATH THE DEVICE.

BILL LOOKS RELAXED, BUT BARRY IS WRACKED WITH FEAR AND STRUGGLING AGAINST HIS RESTRAINTS.

BILL:
I take it this is your first time?

BARRY LOOKS AT BILL INCREDULOUSLY.

BARRY:
If you mean 'is this the first time that big green wobbly monsters have dragged me out of bed, slung me on a spaceship, smeared my bum-hole with butter and tied me to a table?' then yes, yes it is. (SARCASTICALLY) How about you?

BILL:
This is my fifth.

BARRY:
Fifth?! Fifth?!! You mean you've been abducted five times?!

BILL:
Well... by these ones - yes.

BARRY:
These ones? You mean there are others?

BILL:
Oh yes, there's all sorts of different ones. I got picked up by a bunch of purple ones last Wednesday... very big fingers.

BARRY:
How often does this happen?!

BILL:
All the time. I'm on first name terms with most of them.

BARRY:
They don't speak English!

BILL:
these ones do.

BARRY:
They weren't speaking it when they were dragging me ass-first through the cat-flap!

BILL:
That's just because they don't know you. They'll be totally different the next time they pick you up.

BARRY:
Next time?! There won't be a next time! I don't even want there to be a this time! I'm getting out of here!

BARRY RESUMES HIS STRUGGLE.

BILL:
It's too late for that. You'll just have to get used to it - you're on the tourist route now.

BARRY STOPS STRUGGLING.

BARRY:
The what?

BILL:
The tourist route. You know, it's like a pub crawl, but with people.

BARRY:
They're not going to eat us are they?!

BILL:
No, no. It's nothing like that - we're part of the entertainment.

BARRY:
What?!!

BILL:
We're like a comedy show. They sit behind the mirror getting drunk, and we get probed for their amusement.

BARRY:
You have got to be kidding me!

BILL:
Don't worry, it's not sexual - they just find it funny. You see, they don't have any holes... you know - orifices. So it's all a bit of a novelty for them. They poke things in our holes and we make funny noises. It's a big draw for the 18 to 30 set - they love us.

BARRY LOSES IT.

BARRY:
Are you out of your friggin' mind?! We're butt-naked, tied to a table and full of buttery goodness; there's a dildo-robot hanging from the cieling, Dr Crippen's cutlery sitting by the door and a bunch of drunken aliens behind the mirror waiting for the lights to dim! -and you're lying there, talking like we're down at the old-folks-home about to put on the am-dram production of the willy-wonka bum-fun spectacular! What is wrong with you!! We need to get out of here!!

BARRY RENEWS HIS FRANTIC STRUGGLE.

BILL:
You're wasting your time. And besides, you need to save your strength for the after show party.

BARRY STOPS STRUGGLING AND LOOKS AT BILL IN DISBELIEF.

BILL: (CONTINUED)
That's when they turn us upside down and use us as feeding troughs.

BARRY'S EYES WIDEN WITH TERROR AND HE RENEWS HIS FRANTIC AND NOISY STRUGGLE.

THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY DIM.

BILL:
Shh! We're on!

THE PROBE MACHINE BEGINS TO VIBRATE AND HUM.

BILL: (WHISPERING HAPPILY)
Break a leg!

FROM AN UNSEEN SPEAKER, THE BENNY HILL THEME TUNE STARTS UP.

BARRY LETS OUT A LONG TERRIFIED SCREAM AS THE ARM OF THE PROBULATOR BEGINS TO DESCEND NOISILY.

FADE OUT.