The runaround

This script was written to adhere to the dual brief of slapstick and chase humour.

INT. DENTISTS OFFICE

THE DENTIST IS STANDING BY THE EMPTY PATIENTS CHAIR ARRANGING HIS TOOLS ON THE SMALL SIDE-TABLE

ON A COUNTER BY THE DOOR, A STEREO IS PLAYING SOOTHING MUSIC.

THE DENTIST HAS TWO FINGERS MISSING FROM HIS LEFT HAND.

THE DOOR OPENS AND PENSIONER GORDON ENTERS SLOWLY, USING A ZIMMER-FRAME TO WALK.

DENTIST:
Ah, Mr Mighty. I take it we are sufficiently numb?

GORDON:
I than't theel ny thong.

DENTIST:
Good, good. Hop up onto the chair and we'll take care of that filling for you.

GORDON NERVOUSLY SITS ON THE CHAIR, LEAVING HIS ZIMMER FRAME BESIDE IT.

THE DENTIST PICKS UP A TRANSPARENT PLASTIC MOUTH BRACE.

DENTIST:
Now Mr Mighty, I'm going to pop this brace into your mouth to make sure that this time you don't bite off any of my fingers, okay?

GORDON: (EMBARRASSED)
Thorry avout that.

DENTIST:
Don't worry, I'm sure they'll grow back. Besides, a lot of people have a fear of dentists... but I assure you - there's nothing to be afraid of.

THE DENTIST INSERTS THE BRACE, PERMANENTLY FIXING GORDON'S MOUTH WIDE OPEN.

DENTIST:
You may find this a little uncomfortale, but that's normal.

THE DENTIST PICKS UP A SUCTION DEVICE, WHICH IS ATTACHED TO THE TABLE BY A RUBBER HOSE, AND HOOKS IT ONTO GORDON'S LOWER TEETH.

GORDON'S EYES WIDEN WITH TERROR.

DENTIST:
Relax, this is just to keep your mouth free of saliva.

THE DENTIST PICKS UP A DRILL, WHICH IS ATTACHED TO THE TABLE BY AN ELECTRIC CHORD.

THE DENTIST SMILES REASSURINGLY AND APPROACHES GORDON'S MOUTH WITH THE DRILL.

AS THE DRILL NEARS, GORDON LEANS AWAY.

DENTIST:
Now Mr mighty, we've been through this before, if you just...

GORDON DODGES THE DRILL AGAIN.

DENTIST:
Look, if you'll just...

GORDON DUCKS OUT OF THE WAY AS THE DOCTOR TRIES AGAIN.

DENTIST:
Mr Mighty please! Sit still!

THE DENTIST ONCE AGAIN APPROACHES GORDON'S OPEN MOUTH, THIS TIME ALMOST SUCCEEDING, BUT GORDON SLIDES DOWN AND OFF THE CHAIR JUST IN TIME, THE HOSE STILL ATTACHED TO HIS MOUTH.

DENTIST:
Do we have to go through this EVERY time?

GORDON FEARFULLY HOBBLES TO HIS ZIMMER-FRAME, STRETCHING THE RUBBER SUCTION HOSE TO IT'S LIMITS, HIS TERRIFIED EYES FIXED ON THE DRILL.

THE DENTIST SIGHS AND WALKS AROUND THE CHAIR WITH THE DRILL.

GORDON LETS OUT A STRANGLED YELP AS THE DOCTOR APPROACHES AND BEGINS HOBBLING AWAY ON THE ZIMMER FRAME - RESTRICTED TO ENCIRCLING THE CHAIR BY THE RUBBER TUBE ATTACHED TO HIS GAPING MOUTH.

THE DENTIST (ALSO RESTRICTED BY THE DRILL CHORD) BEGINS FOLLOWING GORDON, ARM EXTENDED, TRYING TO GET THE DRILL INTO GORDON'S OPEN MOUTH FROM A VARIETY OF DIFFERENT ANGLES.

THE TWO MEN RUN SLOW CIRCLES AROUND THE CHAIR.

DENTIST:
Please Mr Mighty, just let me... if I could just... I just want to get to the root of the problem! I promise - you won't feel a thing!

THE DENTIST STOPS AND TURNS AROUND, APPROACHING GORDON FROM THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

GORDON LETS OUT ANOTHER YELP OF FEAR THROUGH HIS OPEN MOUTH AND REVERSES DIRECTION, HOBBLING AWAY FROM THE DENTIST AND GLANCING OVER HIS SHOULDER IN TERROR.

THE DENTIST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND ONCE AGAIN PURSUES GORDON.

DENTIST:
Look - this is rediculous! If you'll just... would you just... GRRR! (SHOUTING) Miss Bach! Miss Bach!!

HELEN, THE RECEPTIONIST ENTERS AND IS IMMEDIATELY PLEASED AT THE SIGHT OF THE CHASE.

HELEN:
Yes?

DENTIST:
He's at it again! Will you give me a hand here?!!

HELEN:
Certainly doctor.

HELEN TAKES A CD FROM HER POCKET AND PLACES IT IN THE ROOMS STEREO SYSTEM.

SHE PRESSES PLAY AND THE BENNY HILL THEME TUNE FILLS THE ROOM.

BOTH MEN STOP RUNNING AND SCOWL AT HELEN.

DENTIST:
Well, that's VERY helpful - thanks!

HELEN:
Don't mention it.

HELEN HOPS UP AND SITS ON THE COUNTER, WAITING FOR THE CHASE TO RESUME.

THE TWO MEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER; THE DOCTOR NARROWING HIS EYES WITH DETERMINATION, GORDON WIDENING HIS WITH FEAR.

THEY QUICKLY RETURN TO THEIR CIRCULAR PURSUIT, BUT NOW WITH ADDED DETERMINATION.

HELEN CLAPS WITH GLEE.

FADE OUT.