Emergency!

INT. INFIRMARY RECEPTION DESK

HORNBY IS STANDING AT THE DESK TALKING WITH NURSE BETTY. HE HAS A MASS OF BANDAGES WRAPPED TALL AROUND HIS HEAD LIKE A TURBAN

AS HE SPEAKS, BETTY SEEMS MESMORIZED BY HIS HEAD DRESSING

HORNBY:
Look, I know this is an unusual case, but I really don't want a big fuss made out of this.

UNABLE TO TAKE HER EYES FROM THE BANDAGES, BETTY MERELY NODS

HORNBY:
I mean, I'm sure you understand that if people found out about this, it would be very embarassing for me.

A SECOND NURSE (MARY) PASSES THE RECEPTION DESK

WITHOUT TAKING HER EYES FROM HORNBY'S BANDAGES, BETTY CALLS OUT

BETTY:
Mary, could you come here a moment please?

MARY:
Certainly Betty, what can I...

MARY SPOTS HORNBY'S DRESSING

MARY:
My word! That's a lot of bandages, are you alright sir?

HORNBY:
Yes, as I was saying to your receptionist, I'd rather this wasn't...

BETTY: (INTERRUPTING)
Tell her what happened!

HORNBY CONCEDES BY NODDING HIS HEAD

AS HE NODS, THE MASS OF BANDAGES SEEM TO WOBBLE LIKE THERE IS JELLY BENEATH THEM, FORCING BETTY TO STIFLE A CRY OF SURPRISE

MARY FROWNS AT BETTY'S BEHAVIOUR

HORNBY: (TO MARY)
Well, there's not much to tell really. I'm not proud of it, but I was having an affair with a married woman, and last night, while we were... together, her husband came home early and caught us at it.

MARY GIVES AN UNDERSTANDING NOD, STILL A LITTLE CONFUSED BY BETTY'S VISIBLE FASCINATION

HORNBY: (CONTINUED)
Anyway, long story short, I slipped while jumping out of the bed, banged my head on the wardrobe and fell unconscious. And this morning, I woke up on the pavement with (POINTING TO HIS BANDAGES) this.

MARY:
And what exactly is it?

HORNBY:
Well, maybe it'd be better if I showed you.

BETTY'S EYES LIGHT UP AS HORNBY REACHES FOR HIS BANDAGE

HORNBY:
You see, the thing is, she didn't tell me what her husband did for a living..

HE BEGINS UNWINDING THE BANDAGES

HORNBY: (CONTINUED)
...I mean, it probably wouldn't have stopped us having the affair, but it would have softened the blow when I woke up this morning and felt my head

MARY LOOKS AT BOTH BETTY AND HORNBY IN CONFUSION

MARY:
What does he do for a living?

BETTY:
He's a plastic surgeon!

MARY:
Oh dear

HORNBY:
Not the kind of people you want to upset then fall unconscious in front of

MARY:
Indeed

HORNBY PULLS AT THE LAST OF THE BANDAGES AND THEY FALL AWAY

SITTING ON TOP OF HIS HEAD, FIRMLY MELDED INTO HIS SKIN, THERE IS A LARGE PERFECTLY FORMED BREAST, CROWNED WITH A PROMINENT NIPPLE

AS HORNBY PUTS AWAY THE BANDAGES, HIS MOVEMENT CAUSES THE BREAST TO WOBBLE AND SHAKE

BETTY AND MARY'S MOUTHS FALL OPEN

FINALLY HORNBY BREAKS THE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

HORNBY:
Any suggestions?

MARY EXCHANGES A GLANCE WITH BETTY

MARY:
You could try joining the police force

BOTH WOMEN CAN HOLD IT NO LONGER AND SUDDENLY BURST INTO LAUGHTER

HORNBY: (ANGRILY)
I knew it! I bloody knew it! I could have gone to BUPA, but no! I had to come here to the good old NHS! You should be shut down!

HORNBY'S BREAST WOBBLES WITH HIS RAGE, MAKING BOTH WOMEN DOUBLE OVER WITH LAUGHTER

HORNBY:
Right! That's it! I'm going to make a formal complaint! This is highly unprofessional!

HORNBY PLANTS HIS HANDS FIRMLY ON HIS HIPS, MAKING A JET OF MILK SHOOT UP SUDDENLY FROM THE NIPPLE ON HIS HEAD

THE WOMEN SCREAM WITH LAUGHTER AND CRUMPLE TO THE FLOOR

HORNBY TURNS IN A HUFF AND HEADS FOR THE EXIT

HORNBY:
You'll be hearing from my solicitor!

AS HE OPENS THE EXIT DOOR, A POLICEMAN ENTERS WEARING A TALL HELMET

THE TWO MEN REGARD EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT; HORNBY RAGING, THE OFFICER STUNNED

THE NURSES ROAR WITH LAUGHTER, ALMOST TO THE POINT OF PAIN.

HORNBY: (TO OFFICER)
I don't know why I bother paying my taxes, I really don't!

HORNBY STORMS OUT, HIS HEAD-BREAST WOBBLING ALL THE WAY, LEAVING TWO HYSTERICAL WOMAN AND ONE VERY, VERY CONFUSED OFFICER BEHIND HIM.

FADE OUT