INT. INFIRMARY RECEPTION DESK
HORNBY IS STANDING AT THE DESK TALKING WITH NURSE BETTY. HE HAS A MASS OF BANDAGES WRAPPED TALL AROUND HIS HEAD LIKE A TURBAN
AS HE SPEAKS, BETTY SEEMS MESMORIZED BY HIS HEAD DRESSING
Look, I know this is an unusual case, but I really don't want a big fuss made out of this.
UNABLE TO TAKE HER EYES FROM THE BANDAGES, BETTY MERELY NODS
I mean, I'm sure you understand that if people found out about this, it would be very embarassing for me.
A SECOND NURSE (MARY) PASSES THE RECEPTION DESK
WITHOUT TAKING HER EYES FROM HORNBY'S BANDAGES, BETTY CALLS OUT
Mary, could you come here a moment please?
Certainly Betty, what can I...
MARY SPOTS HORNBY'S DRESSING
My word! That's a lot of bandages, are you alright sir?
Yes, as I was saying to your receptionist, I'd rather this wasn't...
Tell her what happened!
HORNBY CONCEDES BY NODDING HIS HEAD
AS HE NODS, THE MASS OF BANDAGES SEEM TO WOBBLE LIKE THERE IS JELLY BENEATH THEM, FORCING BETTY TO STIFLE A CRY OF SURPRISE
MARY FROWNS AT BETTY'S BEHAVIOUR
HORNBY: (TO MARY)
Well, there's not much to tell really. I'm not proud of it, but I was having an affair with a married woman, and last night, while we were... together, her husband came home early and caught us at it.
MARY GIVES AN UNDERSTANDING NOD, STILL A LITTLE CONFUSED BY BETTY'S VISIBLE FASCINATION
Anyway, long story short, I slipped while jumping out of the bed, banged my head on the wardrobe and fell unconscious. And this morning, I woke up on the pavement with (POINTING TO HIS BANDAGES) this.
And what exactly is it?
Well, maybe it'd be better if I showed you.
BETTY'S EYES LIGHT UP AS HORNBY REACHES FOR HIS BANDAGE
You see, the thing is, she didn't tell me what her husband did for a living..
HE BEGINS UNWINDING THE BANDAGES
...I mean, it probably wouldn't have stopped us having the affair, but it would have softened the blow when I woke up this morning and felt my head
MARY LOOKS AT BOTH BETTY AND HORNBY IN CONFUSION
What does he do for a living?
He's a plastic surgeon!
Not the kind of people you want to upset then fall unconscious in front of
HORNBY PULLS AT THE LAST OF THE BANDAGES AND THEY FALL AWAY
SITTING ON TOP OF HIS HEAD, FIRMLY MELDED INTO HIS SKIN, THERE IS A LARGE PERFECTLY FORMED BREAST, CROWNED WITH A PROMINENT NIPPLE
AS HORNBY PUTS AWAY THE BANDAGES, HIS MOVEMENT CAUSES THE BREAST TO WOBBLE AND SHAKE
BETTY AND MARY'S MOUTHS FALL OPEN
FINALLY HORNBY BREAKS THE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE
MARY EXCHANGES A GLANCE WITH BETTY
You could try joining the police force
BOTH WOMEN CAN HOLD IT NO LONGER AND SUDDENLY BURST INTO LAUGHTER
I knew it! I bloody knew it! I could have gone to BUPA, but no! I had to come here to the good old NHS! You should be shut down!
HORNBY'S BREAST WOBBLES WITH HIS RAGE, MAKING BOTH WOMEN DOUBLE OVER WITH LAUGHTER
Right! That's it! I'm going to make a formal complaint! This is highly unprofessional!
HORNBY PLANTS HIS HANDS FIRMLY ON HIS HIPS, MAKING A JET OF MILK SHOOT UP SUDDENLY FROM THE NIPPLE ON HIS HEAD
THE WOMEN SCREAM WITH LAUGHTER AND CRUMPLE TO THE FLOOR
HORNBY TURNS IN A HUFF AND HEADS FOR THE EXIT
You'll be hearing from my solicitor!
AS HE OPENS THE EXIT DOOR, A POLICEMAN ENTERS WEARING A TALL HELMET
THE TWO MEN REGARD EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT; HORNBY RAGING, THE OFFICER STUNNED
THE NURSES ROAR WITH LAUGHTER, ALMOST TO THE POINT OF PAIN.
HORNBY: (TO OFFICER)
I don't know why I bother paying my taxes, I really don't!
HORNBY STORMS OUT, HIS HEAD-BREAST WOBBLING ALL THE WAY, LEAVING TWO HYSTERICAL WOMAN AND ONE VERY, VERY CONFUSED OFFICER BEHIND HIM.
Monday, 22 January 2007
INT. INFIRMARY RECEPTION DESK