Strange Customs

INT. AIRPORT CUSTOMS DESK.

A CUSTOMS OFFICER IS STANDING BEHIND THE DESK.

BEYOND THE CUSTOMS OFFICER THERE IS A DOOR, UPON WHICH THERE IS A SIGN SHOWING THE SILLOUETTE OF A MAN ABOUT TO RECIEVE A CAVITY SEARCH.

GONAD NIPPLETHWAITE ENTERS CARRYING A HEAVY LOOKING SUITCASE, WHICH HE PLACES ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF THE OFFICER.

OFFICER:
Anything to declair?

GONAD THINKS FOR A MOMENT.

GONAD:
Genital herpes?

OFFICER:
I see.

THE OFFICER UNZIPS THE SUITCASE AND LIFTS THE LID

AFTER A MOMENT REGARDING THE CONTENTS, HE LOWERS THE LID AND LOOKS UP AT GONAD SUSPICIOUSLY.

OFFICER:
Did you pack this suitcase yourself sir?

GONAD:
Is there a problem?

OFFICER:
You might say that.

THE OFFICER LIFTS THE LID AGAIN AND SPEAKS TO THE CONTENTS.

OFFICER:
Come on, let's be having you.

THE OFFICER STEPS ASIDE AS A SMALL BOY CLIMBS OUT OF THE CASE AND STANDS BESIDE HIM.

OFFICER: (TO SUITCASE)
All of you.


A SECOND CHILD CLIMBS OUT OF THE SUITCASE, FOLLOWED BY A MIDDLE AGED MAN, TWO MIDDLE AGED WOMEN, TWO TEENAGE GIRLS AND A TEENAGE BOY CARRYING A CAGED PARROT.

GONAD:
Ah, now I can explain that.

OFFICER:
Really sir? (TO CONTENTS) Come on - you as well.

THREE OVERWEIGHT MEN IN FOOTBALL SHIRTS CLIMB OUT OF THE SUITCASE, THE FIRST TWO HOLDING CANS OF LAGER, THE LAST CARRYING A PORTABLY TV.

GONAD:
Clearly there's been some sort of misunderstanding.

OFFICER:
Is that so?

THE OFFICER BECKONS AT THE CONTENTS TO CLIMB OUT.

A WOMAN DRESSED IN A SKIMPY NURSE UNIFORM CLIMBS OUT OF THE SUITCASE CARRYING AN INFLATABLE SHEEP.

GONAD:
Yes.. er.. I must have picked up the wrong suitcase.

OFFICER:
The wrong suitcase.

ANOTHER CHILD CLIMBS OUT OF THE CASE.

GONAD:
Yes, the wrong suitcase.

OFFICER:
These children do bear a strong resemblance to you sir, are you sure they're not yours?

GONAD:
Absolutely positive.

OFFICER:
I see.

THE OFFICER REACHES INTO THE SUITCASE AND BRINGS OUT A LARGE FRAMED FAMILY PORTRAIT SHOWING GONAD, THE WOMAN IN THE NURSE UNIFORM AND THREE OF THE CHILDREN IN A LOVING FAMILY POSE.

OFFICER:
And I suppose you can explain this?

GONAD STUDIES THE PAINTING FOR A MOMENT.

GONAD:
Well, will you look at that - he looks just like me! (SHRUGS) What are the odds?!

OFFICER:
Infantesimally small sir.

GONAD:
Small, but not impossible.

THE OFFICER CLOSES THE LID OF THE SUITCASE.

OFFICER:
Sir, you don't seriously expect me to believe that this isn't your suitcase do you?

GONAD:
It looks like mine I'll grant you, but no, it's definitely NOT mine.

THE OFFICER TURNS THE SUITCASE TO SHOW A NAME WRITTEN ON IT IN BLACK MARKER.

OFFICER:
And is this your name?

GONAD:
Yes, but it's a common name. It could still belong to anybody.

OFFICER:
Anybody named Gonad Nipplethwaite.

GONAD:
Exactly.

OFFICER:
I see. Well, sir, I'm sorry but I think I'm going to have to arrest you.


GONAD:
Arrest me for what?! It's just a mix up. I picked up the wrong suitcase - that's all! It's NOT mine! It's definitely not mine!

A LARGE MOVING LUMP APPEARS AT THE BACK OF GONADS TROUSERS.

THE OFFICER LEANS TO ONE SIDE TO GET A BETTER VIEW.

SUDDENLY, THE HEAD OF AN ELDERLY WOMAN PEEKS OUT FROM THE WAISTBAND ABOVE GONAD'S BUTTOCKS GASPING FOR AIR.

ELDERLY WOMAN: (TO GONAD)
Can we come out yet? Your grandad needs to stretch his legs.

THE OFFICER LOOKS AGAIN AT GONAD, WHO IS TRYING HIS BEST TO LOOK INNOCENT.

OFFICER: (TO GONAD)
And is that your arse sir?

GONAD LOOKS AROUND AT THE WOMAN PEEKING OUT FROM HIS BUTTOCKS, THEN BACK AT THE OFFICER.

GONAD:
No (PAUSE) That's my granny!

SHAKING HIS HEAD, THE OFFICER TAKES A RUBBER GLOVE FROM UNDER THE COUNTER AND OPENS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

OFFICER:
Would you come with me sir?

FINALLY, GONAD SIGHS WITH DEFEAT, NODS, AND LOOKS AGAIN TO HIS REAR.

GONAD: (TO ELDERLY LADIES HEAD)
You'd better wake the lawyers up Gran. (PAUSE) This might get messy.

FADE OUT.