THE ROOM IS ADORNED WITH CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS AND IS FULL OF DRUNK AND SEMI-DRUNK OFFICE STAFF.
Among the revellers, JENNY (who clearly knows nothing about politics) is trying to impress BRIAN with her views on the G4 summit, BRIAN is trying desperately to catch the attention of anybody else in the room to save him from her ramblings.
TERRY is attempting to convince JOSEPH that his hobby of collecting Barbie-dolls may be construed as 'slightly gay', JOSEPH states that he collects the dolls purely for research into his lifelong ambition of being a fashion designer, which TERRY thinks is also 'a bit gay-ish'.
HELEN is attempting to impress MARK with her less than impressive dance-moves, MARK is too drunk to notice, his own dance-moves stemming from his inhebriated attempt to drink his cocktail through a bendy straw.
In plain sight of everybody, DEREK is sitting on the photocopier with his pants down talking with ROBERT about his wife and how she has become more distant since taking up Salsa lessons. ROBERT misunderstands, thinking that Salsa lessons are culinary courses in mexican-sauce making and the two men go on to discuss the merits of the plain Dorito over the flavoured kind.
Office secretary JANINE is sitting behind her desk alone, looking bored and building a snowman out of office supplies.
DAVID, the only one wearing a fancy dress costume (Andy Pandy), is trying to exlain to PETER that just because he's forty and still lives with his mum, it doesn't mean he's immature. PETER is ignoring DAVID and looking longingly towards JANINE.
BILLY is asleep on his desk, a mountain of shaving-cream on his crotch and his hand in a bowl of warm water. MARGARET is drawing crude images on his face in permanent marker.
HENRY and VERITY are kissing and fondling each other in the corner.
THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND HORACE ENTERS WEARING A SANTA COSTUME.
HORACE, who is clearly drunk and very happy, wishes the room a Merry Christmas then launches into a tirade of jovial insults, one by one giving his true and scathing opinions of the people in the room. He calls several people ugly in increasingly humourous ways, names one or two as lazy, and within his rant he reveals that JENNY gave him a venerial disease, JOSEPH should come out of the closet and marry BRIAN - who should also come out of the closet. DEREK should stop trying to photocopy his face and come to terms with the fact that his wife's having an affair with ROBERT. DAVID should just buy a motel and name it after Norman Bates. PETER should give up on JANINE because she's a lesbian and have a go with MARGARET, who has slept with every man in the office except the 'gay ones', and HENRY should take his tongue out of VERITY's mouth and have a grope at her testicles, since she's still saving up for the operation.
THE ROOM IS SILENT FOR A TIME, ONLY HORACE IS SMILING.
After a moment, JANINE clears her throat and tells HORACE that he has a memo from head-office stating that there had been a clerical error and his promotion had actually gone to somebody from a different department.
HORACE is clearly aghast and embarrassed by the news, he struggles for what to say but in the end all he can muster is a forced smile and a half-hearted Merry Christmas.
THE ROOM IS UNIMPRESSED.
Monday, 22 January 2007