Out of order

INT. SPACESHIP CANTEEN.

THE CANTEEN IS A MESS. THE FLOOR IS LITTERED WITH OVERTURNED CONTAINERS, SCATTERED FOOD AND CUTLERY.

THERE IS SEATING FOR 4, MANY HI-TECH SERVING DEVICES AND TWO VENDING MACHINES.

DOORS ARE SET ON EITHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, ONE LEADING TO THE CREW QUARTERS, THE OTHER TO THE COCKPIT.

POKING THROUGH A HOLE IN THE MAIN WALL OF THE CANTEEN IS THE UPPER HALF OF A HUMAN-LIKE ROBOT.

THE ROBOT IS SURVEYING HIS SURROUNDINGS.

HANK ENTERS FROM THE CREW-QUARTERS IN HIS BOXER SHORTS, HIS HAIR UNKEMPT, AND HALF ASLEEP.

OBLIVIOUS TO THE STATE OF THE ROOM, HANK PASSES THE ROBOT, GETS HIMSELF A COFFEE FROM ONE OF THE VENDING MACHINES AND HEADS BACK TOWARDS THE CREW QUARTERS.

HANK PASSES THE ROBOT AGAIN, STOPS, AND BACKS UP TO LOOK AT IT.

ROBOT: (TO HANK)
Hello, you fat bastard.

HANK TAKES A SIP OF HIS COFFEE AND LOOKS TOWARD THE COCKPIT DOOR.

HANK: (SHOUTING)
Edward!

EDWARD ENTERS FROM THE COCKPIT WEARING GREASY OVERALLS.

EDWARD:
Yes boss?

HANK POINTS AT THE ROBOT.

HANK:
What's this?

THE ROBOT TRIES TO BITE HANKS FINGER BUT CAN'T REACH.

EDWARD:
Space debris.

HANK:
Oh. Okay.

HANK SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND INDICATES THE SEAT OPPOSITE.

HANK: (TO EDWARD)
Sit down.

HANK SIPS HIS COFFEE AS EDWARD TAKES THE SEAT.

HANK:
Two questions. Why is there a piece of space debris sticking through the hull of the ship? And why is it calling me a fat b*stard at this hour of the morning?

THE ROBOT RAISES IT'S HAND ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

ROBOT:
Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer!

EDWARD: (TO HANK)
It happened about an hour ago.

ROBOT:
Is it because you don't turn into a pillock until lunchtime?

HANK: (TO EDWARD)
What happened?

EDWARD:
It just hit the side of the ship - must have been going a couple of hundred miles an hour. We're lucky it got stuck where it did otherwise we'd have been sucked out while we slept.

ROBOT:
Oh, so it's that sort of ship is it?

HANK: (TO EDWARD)
Can you get rid of it?

EDWARD: (SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Nothing to patch up the hole with, and I used the last of the sealant fixing the breach, so we'll just have to wait until we reach earth.

HANK:
Can you switch it off?

ROBOT:
He can bloody well try!

EDWARD: (TO HANK)
It's a little too fiesty to get close to, and I don't want to risk depressurisation again.

HANK:
Well where the hell did it come from?

EDWARD:
Dunno. It looks old though, probably been out there a while. Most likely dumped by it's last owners.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE ROBOT AND SEE THAT IT'S FLIPPING THEM OFF WITH BOTH HANDS.

HANK: (TO EDWARD)
I wonder why.

HANK STANDS.

HANK: (CONTINUED)
Okay. Clean up this mess, and see if you can find a way to clamp it's mouth shut will you...

ROBOT:
Try it butter-ball! I know kung-fu!

HANK: (CONTINUED)
...I'm going back to bed.

HANK EXITS TO THE CREW QUARTERS.

ROBOT: (CALLING AFTER HANK)
Go on then - sod off you big crunchy lump of crap! (PAUSE, THEN TO EDWARD) What are you looking at fish-face?

EDWARD SIGHS AND EXITS TO THE COCKPIT.

ROBOT: (CALLING AFTER EDWARD)
What are you anyway - some sort of mutant-retard species? Is your mother your brothers daughter? I'll bet she is.

EDWARD RETURNS CARRYING A HOODED ANORAK.

ROBOT: (CONTINUED)
I'll bet your ancestors were descended from testicles weren't they?

EDWARD DROPS THE ANORAK OVER THE ROBOTS HEAD.

ROBOT:
Hey! What the... (PAUSE, THEN OVERLY SARCASTIC) Oh my - that's brilliant! What a genius! What a perfect ruse! The world must tremble when you fart! If only I could remove this dastardly barrier!

THE ROBOT PULLS AT THE ANORAK BUT GETS HIS HEAD STUCK IN THE HOOD.

THE ROBOT FRANTICALLY STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE COAT, BUT CAN'T.

EDWARD: (TO SELF)
It's gonna be a lo-ong day.

EDWARD EXITS TO THE COCKPIT CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.

ROBOT: (SHEEPISHLY)
A little help here?

RECIEVING NO RESPONSE, THE ROBOT RETURNS TO ITS STRUGGLING.

FADE OUT.