Alphabet Soup

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A IS FOR APPLE
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EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM AND EVE ARE SITTING ON A SOFA MADE OF GRASS. EVE IS DOZING WITH HER UPTURNED HANDS IN HER LAP, ADAM IS EATING AN APPLE.

VOICE OF GOD: (O.O.V.)
Hey! Who’s been nicking my apples?!

ADAM TOSSES THE APPLE INTO ONE OF EVE’S UPTURNED HANDS AND TRIES TO LOOK NONCHALANT.

FADE OUT.

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B IS FOR BABY
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INT. HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.

A WOMAN IS GIVING BIRTH WHILE HER HUSBAND REASSURINGLY HOLDS HER HAND AND ENCOURAGES HER TO PUSH.

THE DOCTOR STRUGGLES AND TUGS WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, AND EVENTUALLY PULLS A BABY COW CALF FROM THE WOMAN’S WOMB.

ALL PRESENT LOOK SHOCKED.

THE HUSBAND SHOOTS HIS WIFE A DIRTY LOOK AND STORMS OUT OF THE ROOM.

WOMAN:
Wait! I can explain!

CUT TO:

INT. WAITING ROOM.

AMONGST THE OTHER PEOPLE WAITING THERE IS A BULL SITTING WITH HIS LEGS CROSSED READING A MAGAZINE.

THE HUSBAND ENTERS AND ANGRILY STARES AT THE BULL.

THE BULL LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE.

BULL:
How is she?

THE HUSBAND GROWLS AND ADVANCES ON THE BULL.

WITH A YELP, THE BULL JUMPS FROM HIS SEAT AND RUNS FROM THE HUSBAND.

BULL:
It’s not what you think!

FADE OUT.

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C IS FOR CAT
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INT. JENNY’S APARTMENT/ NIGHT.

JENNY AND DAVE ENTER, FRESH FROM A NIGHT OUT.

JENNY:
You sit down, I’ll make that coffee.

DAVE TAKES A SEAT ON THE SOFA, BUT IS SURPRISED TO SEE THAT BESIDE HIM THERE IS A CAT WITH A LIT CIGARETTE IN ITS MOUTH.

DAVE:
Jenny?

JENNY: (O.O.V)
Yes?

DAVE:
Your Pussy’s smoking!

JENNY ENTERS CARRYING TWO COFFEES AND SMILING SEDUCTIVELY.

JENNY:
You should see my tits.

FADE OUT.

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D IS FOR DOG
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EXT. LONDON ZOO.

BARRY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE ENTRANCE TO THE ZOO, COVERING WILMA’S EYES WITH HIS HANDS.

PASTED OVER THE SIGN READING ‘LONDON ZOO’ IS A POSTER READING ‘SOLD’.

BARRY REMOVES HIS HANDS FROM WILMA’S EYES.

BARRY:
Ta-da!

WILMA LOOKS AT THE ZOO FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS TO BARRY.

WILMA:
What’s that?

BARRY:
It’s your birthday present.

WILMA:
I asked you for a puppy!

BARRY:
Noooo. (PAUSE) You said you wanted a shitzu.

WILMA SIGHS AND WALKS AWAY FROM BARRY.

FADE OUT.

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E IS FOR EGG.
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

TREVOR (AGED 7) IS SITTING ON THE SOFA.

HIS DAD ENTERS WITH HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS BACK.

TREVOR SMILES EXPECTANTLY.

DAD:
Do you remember on my birthday, when you made me a card out of a picture you drew with crayons and glitter?

TREVOR:
Yes.

DAD:
And do you remember father’s day when you made me a pair of binoculars out of two toilet roll tubes.

TREVOR:
Yes.

DAD:
And do you remember at Christmas when instead of buying me a present you made me a stick man out of pipe cleaners and bits of paper.

TREVOR:
Yes.

DAD:
Here…

TREVOR’S DAD PULLS A HANDFUL OF FAECAL MATTER FROM BEHIND HIS BACK AND PRESENTS IT TO TREVOR.

DAD:
…I laid you an egg for Easter.

TREVOR GRIMACES AS HIS DAD DROPS THE POOP IN HIS HANDS THEN EXITS SMUGLY.

FADE OUT.

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F IS FOR FISH.
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INT. COVERED MARKET.

A BLIND MAN IS WALKING THROUGH THE MARKET, HIS WHITE CANE TAPPING THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HIM.

THE BLIND MAN WALKS PAST A FISH STALL AND STOPS, SNIFFING THE AIR.

BLIND MAN:
Mother?

FADE OUT.

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G IS FOR GARDEN
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EXT. GARDEN

NORMAN IS SITTING IN A DECKCHAIR WITH HIS EYES CLOSED.

A NOISE TO HIS LEFT ROUSES HIM AND HE LOOKS TO SEE A POLICEMAN DIGGING IN HIS FLOWER BED.

NORMAN:
Hey! What are you doing?

POLICEMAN:
Ah-ha!

THE POLICEMAN YANKS UP A LARGE PLANT AND HOLDS IT OUT TOWARDS NORMAN.

POLICEMAN:
Do you have a licence for this firearm?

NORMAN: (FROWNING)
That’s a plant?

THE POLICEMAN PULLS OUT HIS HANDCUFFS.

POLICEMAN:
That’s what they all say sir.

FADE OUT.

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H IS FOR HORSE
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EXT. PADDOCK

AN UNHAPPY HORSE IS STANDING IN THE PADDOCK LOOKING GLUM.

A SECOND HORSE APPROACHES.

SECOND HORSE:
Why the long face?

THE UNHAPPY HORSE LETS OUT A HEAVY SIGH.

UNHAPPY HORSE:
I’m hung like a human.

THE SECOND HORSE SUCKS AIR IN THROUGH IT’S TEETH AND WALKS ON, SHAKING ITS HEAD IN SYMPATHY.

FADE OUT.

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I IS FOR IGLOO.
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EXT. SNOWY WASTELAND

AN INUIT COUPLE ARE SITTING IN THE CENTRE OF THE WASTELAND ON SMALL WICKER STOOLS, HUDDLED AROUND AN ELECTRIC HEATER.

THE WIFE IS LOOKS ANGRY WITH HER HUSBAND.

AROUND THEM IS EVIDENCE THAT THEIR IGLOO HAS COMPLETELY MELTED.

WIFE:
You and your big ideas.

THE HUSBAND SULKS.

FADE OUT.

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J IS FOR JACK IN A BOX
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INT. FUNERAL SERVICE

A QUEUE OF FORMALLY DRESSED PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO PAY THEIR RESPECTS TO THE DECEASED MAN IN THE OPEN COFFIN.

GONAD NIPPLETHWAITE IS AT THE HEAD OF THE QUEUE. HE LEANS INTO THE COFFIN AND APPEARS TO HUG THE BODY.

WIPING A TEAR FROM HIS EYE, GONAD STEPS ASIDE TO LET THE WIDOW PAY HER RESPECTS.

AS THE WIDOW IS ABOUT TO KISS HER HUSBAND, A JACK IN THE BOX SUDDENLY JUMPS UP FROM THE COFFIN. THE WIDOW SCREAMS AND PASSES OUT.

GONAD ROARS WITH LAUGHTER, BUT STOPS WHEN HE SEES NOBODY ELSE IS LAUGHING.

GONAD:
Oh come on - That’s funny!

GONAD HOLDS OUT HIS HANDS, APPEALING FOR A SENSE OF HUMOUR.

GONAD:
Nobody? (PAUSE) Really?

RECEIVING NO RESPONSE, GONAD GROWLS WITH FRUSTRATION.

GONAD: (SULKILY)
Miserable bastards.

GONAD STEPS OVER THE UNCONSCIOUS WIDOW AND WALKS OFF.

FADE OUT.

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K IS FOR KETTLE
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INT. KITCHEN/ C.U. SHELF.

THE POT IS SITTING BESIDE THE KETTLE. BOTH HAVE ANIMATED FACES, THE POT IS LOOKING SMUG WHILE THE KETTLE IS LOOKING SHOCKED AND OFFENDED.

KETTLE: (TO POT)
You racist bastard!

FADE OUT.

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L IS FOR LEMON
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EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM AND EVE ARE SITTING ON A SOFA MADE OF GRASS. EVE IS SLEEPING WITH AN APPLE IN HER RIGHT HAND AND A HALF EATEN LEMON IN THE OTHER, ADAMS FACE IS DISTORTED, HIS EYES ARE WATERING AND HIS LIPS ARE SCREWED UP TIGHTLY.

GOD: (O.O.V.)
Who’s been at my lemons?!

FADE OUT.

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M IS FOR MONKEY.
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INT. CORRIDOR.

EMILY AND STAN ARE HEADING FOR BED.

EMILY:
I’ll just say goodnight to Johnny.

STAN NODS AND CONTINUES TOWARDS THEIR BEDROOM AS EMILY OPENS THE DOOR TO THEIR SONS ROOM.

INSIDE THE ROOM JOHNNY IS SITTING ON THE BED WITH A SMALL HAIRY MONKEY BENT OVER ON HIS LAP.

JOHNNY IS SPANKING THE MONKEY.

EMILY CLOSES THE DOOR WITH A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HER FACE.

STAN:
What’s he up to?

EMILY IS AT A LOSS FOR WORDS.

FADE OUT.

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N IS FOR NAIL
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INT. SNAIL PRISON CANTEEN

SNAILS OF ALL SHAPES AND SIZES ARE QUEUING FOR THEIR MEALS OR SITTING DOWN TO EAT THEM.

MIKE THE SNAIL SITS DOWN NEXT TO BARRY THE SNAIL.

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF BARRY A SIX INCH NAIL IS PROPPED UP AGAINST THE SEAT.

MIKE NODS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE NAIL.

MIKE:
What’s his problem?

BARRY:
Whoa! Don’t mess with him… he’s not all there.

Fade out.

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O IS FOR ORANGE
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INT. SUPERMARKET.

A WOMAN IS WALKING DOWN THE FRUIT AISLE, LOOKING AT THE APPLES, PEARS ETC.

AS SHE PASSES THE ORANGES SHE LETS OUT A YELP AND STEPS BACK IN HORROR.

DAVID DICKINSON’S HEAD IS STICKING UP OUT OF THE ORANGES.

DAVID:
I shouldn’t be here you know…

DAVID’S HAND POKES UP OUT OF THE ORANGES HOLDING A VANITY MIRROR.

DAVID: (LOOKING AT HIS REFLECTION)
I’m more of a tangerine than an orange.

THE WOMAN FAINTS.

DAVID:
Please yourself.

FADE OUT.

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P IS FOR PIG
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EXT. FARMYARD PIG STY

THE STEREOTYPICAL DEVON FARMER IS LEANING ON THE FENCE OF THE STY CHEWING A STALK OF GRASS, LOOKING ADORINGLY AT THE PIGS.

HE LOOKS TO CAMERA.

FARMER:
Oi loves moi pigs oi do.

HE GLANCES ONCE MORE AT HIS PIGS THEN QUICKLY LOOKS BACK AT THE CAMERA TO EXPLAIN.

FARMER:
(INNOCENTLY) Oi doesn’t sleep wiv em.


THE FARMER RETURNS TO WATCHING HIS PIGS.

FARMER:
Oi just tickles their balls.

FADE OUT.

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Q IS FOR QUEEN
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INT. LAVISH FOYER

A COLLECTION OF CELEBRITIES ARE LINED UP NERVOUSLY WAITING TO MEET THE QUEEN.

THE QUEEN ENTERS AND APPROACHES KENNY, THE NEAREST CELEBRITY.

QUEEN:
Hello there.

KENNY BOWS POLITELY

KENNY:
Ma’am.

QUEEN:
And who are you?

KENNY:
I’m Kenny Finch Ma’am, I’m the lead singer of Nipple.

QUEEN:
Very good, and when was your last check up?

KENNY:
I’m sorry?

THE QUEEN PULLS DOWN KENNY’S CHEEK AND LOOKS INTO HIS EYES.

QUEEN:
Your last check up – when was it?

KENNY:
Er… I don’t remember ma’am.

QUEEN:
Well, no matter – drop your pants.

KENNY:
What?

QUEEN:
Come on we haven’t got all day, there’s lots of people to see you know.

NERVOUSLY, KENNY UNBUCKLES HIS BELT AND DROPS HIS TROUSERS.

QUEEN:
Very good, now turn your head and cough.

KENNY:
I don’t think this is…

KENNY YELPS A LITTLE AS THE QUEEN CUPS HIS TESTICLES, BUT QUICKLY TURNS HIS HEAD AND COUGHS.

QUEEN:
Well, everything seems okay. Just get plenty of exercise and cut down on your fatty foods. (PAUSE) Next!

THE QUEEN MOVES DOWN TO THE NEXT IN LINE, WHO IS ALREADY UNBUCKLING HIS PANTS.

KENNY LOOKS ON IN DISBELIEF.

FADE OUT.

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R IS FOR RABBIT
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INT. PROCTOLOGISTS OFFICE

A GIANT RABBIT IS SITTING ON ALL FOURS WITH IT’S BUM IN THE AIR.

THE PROCTOLOGIST IS STUDYING THE ANIMALS RECTUM.

PROCTOLOGIST:
You’ve been overeating again haven’t you?

RABBIT:
How can you tell?

THE PROCTOLOGIST TAKES OFF HIS RUBBER GLOVE.

PROCTOLOGIST:
You’ve got a nine carrot ring.

FADE OUT.

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S IS FOR SHOES
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

DANNY IS SITTING IN THE ARMCHAIR READING A NEWSPAPER.

THE SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING CAN BE HEARD.

DANNY:
Is that you love?

WIFE: (O.O.V.)
Yes honey!

DANNY:
Did you pick up those deck shoes I ordered?

DANNY’S WIFE ENTERS HOLDING TWO LARGE PENIS-SHAPED SLIPPERS.

WIFE:
Did you say DECK shoes?

FADE OUT.


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T IS FOR TEETH.
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

AN ELDERLY WIFE IS SITTING IN THE ROCKING CHAIR READING A NEWSPAPER.

AN ELDERLY HUSBAND ENTERS, FROWNING.

HUSBAND:
Have you seen my teeth?

WIFE:
No.

AS THE ELDERLY WIFE CROSSED HER LEGS THERE IS THE SOUND OF TEETH SNAPPING TOGETHER.

THE HUSBAND EYES HER WITH SUSPICION.

FADE OUT.

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U IS FOR UMBRELLA
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INT. PROCTOLOGISTS OFFICE.

A MAN IS UP ON THE TABLE ON ALL FOURS WITH HIS TROUSERS DOWN. THERE IS AN UMBRELLA HANDLE STICKING OUT FROM HIS RECTUM.

THE PROCTOLOGIST IS FROWNING AT THE DILEMMA, WHILE THE MAN IS LOOKING EMBARRASSED.

MAN:
No, really - it was an accident, it’s nothing kinky or anything. I just…

CHERIE BLAIR ENTERS.

CHERIE:
Are you going to be long? Only my husband’s in the waiting room and… ooh, I’ve got an umbrella like that.

CHERIE STEPS UP TO GET A BETTER LOOK AT THE UMBRELLA HANDLE.

PROCTOLOGIST:
Would you mind returning to the waiting room please.

CHERIE:
It’s one of those with a button on the handle – look.

PROCTOLOGIST:
No!

CHERIE PRESSES THE BUTTON ON THE HANDLE AND THE MAN’S T-SHIRT SUDDENLY PUFFS OUT LIKE A TUTU.

UMBRELLA MAN:
Eek!

THE PROCTOLOGIST FOLDS HIS ARMS ANGRILY AND GROWLS AT CHERIE.

CHERIE: (SHEEPISHLY)
I’ll erm… I’ll just wait outside.

THE PROCTOLOGIST NODS.

FADE OUT.


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V IS FOR VIOLIN
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INT. LIVING ROOM.

AN ELDERLY MAN IS SITTING BY THE RADIO.

ON THE RADIO A SAXOPHONE SOLO IS COMING TO AN END.

DISC JOCKEY: (VIA RADIO)
That was Courtney Pine with Sunset dreams, up next we have Vanessa Mae with a moonlight jig entitled…

THE ELDERLY MAN SNAPS OFF THE RADIO.

ELDERLY MAN: (GRUMPILY)
Bloody wireless. It’s nothing but sax and violins.

THE OLD MAN FOLDS HIS ARMS, THEN SMILES WRYLY TO CAMERA.

FADE OUT.


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W IS FOR WORM
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A WORM WITH A FACE IS LYING IN THE SOUL ENJOYING THE DAY.

SUDDENLY A GIANT SPADE SLAMS DOWN AND CUTS THE WORM IN TWO.

AFTER A MOMENT, THE SEVERED LOWER HALF OF THE WORM EVOLVES A FACE.

THE TWO WORM HALVES LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

WORM HALF 1:
Hello there.

WORM HALF 2 STUDIES WORM HALF ONE.

WORM HALF 2: (CONT’D)
Have you lost weight?

FADE OUT.

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X IS FOR X-RAY
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INT. PROCTOLOGISTS OFFICE.

THE PROCTOLOGIST IS SAT AT HIS DESK HOLDING UP AN X-RAY WITH ONE HAND AND THE TELEPHONE TO HIS EAR WITH THE OTHER.

THE X-RAY SHOWS THAT THE SUBJECT HAS A SKULL INSERTED INTO HIS RECTUM.

PROCTOLOGIST: (INTO PHONE)
Well Mrs Blair, the good news is we’ve located your husband’s head.

FADE OUT.


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Y IS FOR YACHT
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EXT. DECK ON A SINKING YACHT.

A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE STANDING ON THE ANGLED DECK WITH THEIR ARMS FOLDED.

HUSBAND:
I knew I should have married this boat.

WIFE:
What are you yabbering on about now? You’re married to me!

HUSBAND:
Yes – and how often doYOU go down on me now?

FADE OUT.




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Z IS FOR ZEBRA
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EXT. GARDEN OF EDEN.

ADAM AND EVE ARE SITTING ON A SOFA MADE OF GRASS. EVE IS SLEEPING WITH AN APPLE IN ONE HAND AND A HALF EATEN LEMON IN THE OTHER. ADAM IS CHEWING ON A ZEBRA LEG.

GOD APPEARS BEFORE THEM AND LOOKS AT ADAM WITH ARMS FOLDED.

GOD:
Is that my Zebra?

ADAM LOOKS UP SHEEPISHLY.

FADE OUT.