INT. MILITARY BARRACKS
THE ROOM HAS TWELVE BUNKS, HALF OF WHICH ARE OCCUPIED WITH SOLDIERS AS THEY PASS THE TIME IN REST, CONVERSATION AND GUN CLEANING.
THE SOLDIERS STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND LOOK ON IN BEMUSEMENT AS A GROUP OF SIX CELEBRITIES ENTER, ALL WEARING FLAMBOYANT CLOTHING AND PULLING LAVISH SUITCASES BEHIND THEM.
THE CELEBRITIES STAND FOR A MOMENT, LOOKING AROUND THE BARRACKS IN AWE.
PRIVATE MORRIS APPROACHES
Can I help you?
Hi, I'm Phoenix Walker, you may recognize me from TV's Hollyoaks?
THE TWO MEN SHAKE HANDS.
Private Morris, and no.
Private, I like it. Yeah... I'm 'Private'
MORRIS NODS AT EACH ONE, UNIMPRESSED.
I take it you're the new recruits?
(TO CELEBS) He's really getting into the swing of things isn't he? (TO MORRIS) Yes, we're the new 'recruits'.
MORRIS SHAKES HIS HEAD, TURNS AND WALKS BACK TO HIS BUNK, SPEAKING OVER HIS SHOULDER.
Take any bunk that isn't occupied.
THE CELEBS CHOOSE THEIR BUNKS AND BEGIN UNPACKING.
It's very realistic isn't it?
Where are the cameras?
FADE TO BLACK.
PRIVATE MORRIS AND
SCATTERED AROUND THEM ARE THE DEAD BODIES OF THE OTHER CELEBRITIES AND THIER UNIT.
Does this mean we're in the final?
MORRIS GROWLS AT
A GUNSHOT IS HEARD AND MORRIS FALLS DOWN DEAD.
Did I win? Am I the winner? (PAUSE) I won! I'm the winner! Ha-ha! I'm the first ever winner of 'Celebrity Squaddies if you like as long as you sign this form'! Woo-hoo!
MORRIS LOOKS AROUND IN ANTICIPATION.
So what's my prize?
EXT. SAND DUNE.
TWO TERRORISTS ARE LYING ON THE SAND DUNE.
TERRORIST ONE IS LOOKING THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS, TERRORIST TWO THROUGH THE SIGHTS OF HIS SNIPER RIFLE.
THEIR WORDS ARE TRANSLATED VIA SUBTITLES.
I'm telling you - it is!
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure! It's the guy from Hollyoaks!
TERRORIST TWO PULLS THE TRIGGER OF THE RIFLE.
BOTH MEN SMILE.
That's my third celebrity today!
It's great isn't it!
TERRORIST ONE SCANS THE HORIZON.
I know! They should make a TV show out of this!
TERRORIST ONE PLACES A HAND ON THE OTHERS SHOULDER.
Hold on... I think I see Jim Davidson!
TERRORIST TWO: (EXCITED)
What are the odds!
TERRORIST TWO TAKES AIM AND PULLS THE TRIGGER.
TERRORIST ONE: (IN EXAGGERATED BRITISH ACCENT)
Nick . Nick.
THE TERRORISTS BURST INTO LAUGHTER.