Nuts!

Written to fit the brief of 'Mental Health' comedy.

INT. MENTAL HOSPITAL PATIENTS BEDROOM.

THE ROOM HAS TWO SINGLE BEDS SET AGAINST OPPOSING WALLS.

ONE SIDE OF THE ROOM IS MODERATELY CLUTTERED WITH THE PERSONAL BELONGINGS OF CLIVE, WHO IS SAT ON HIS BED READING A NOVEL, WEARING PYJAMAS AND A ROBE.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM IS VOID OF ANYTHING BUT THE BASICS, CLEARLY UNINHABITED.

NURSE BETTY ENTERS WITH HANK.

HANK IS MUSCULAR, HAS A THICK BLACK BEARD, NUMEROUS TATTOO'S AND IS WEARING A BRIGHT FLORAL SUMMER DRESS.

NURSE BETTY GUIDES HANK TO THE VACANT BED.

CLIVE LOOKS UP FROM HIS BOOK.

BETTY: (TO HANK)
Here we are... your new home.

CLIVE: (TO BETTY)
Who's this then?

BETTY TURNS HANK TO FACE CLIVE.

BETTY:
These are your new room-mates - Helen and Hank. Helen, Hank, this is Clive.

CLIVE GLANCES BEYOND BETTY AND HANK TO SEE IF THERE'S SOMEBODY HE MISSED.

HANK CURTSIES.

BETTY:
Helen and Hank are schizophrenic, and they...

HANK: (INTERRUPTING IN FEMININE VOICE)
Hank's the schizophrenic - I'm a nymphomaniac.

BETTY:
Of course, I'm sorry Helen, I forgot. (PAUSE) Clive here has... what is it you have Clive?

CLIVE:
Asperger's.

BETTY:
That's right, of course. (TO HANK) Clive has one of those new 'fasionable' mental conditions that they keep bringing out every year.

CLIVE:
Hey!

BETTY: (TO HANK)
It's so hard to keep up with the times.

CLIVE:
I'll have you know that Asperger's is one of the... hang on - did he just say he's a nymphomaniac?!

BETTY:
She Clive, Helen's a she.

CLIVE: (EYING CLIVE)
Yes, he looks like it. (PAUSE) You can't put him.. her.. it, in with me! I'm a sexy young man!

BETTY: (TO HANK)
Clive's also slightly delusional.

CLIVE:
Hey!

BETTY: (TO HANK)
But he needn't worry, need he? It's not like you're going to jump on him as soon as I'm out of the room are you? (LOOKING AT CLIVE) He's not your type.

HANK SHAKES HIS HEAD.

HANK: (IN FEMININE VOICE)
Not even a little.

CLIVE:
What do you mean I'm not your type?! I'm hot stuff! Just ask my mum's friends... they all think I'm gorgeous!

BETTY:
Well, we don't have enough rooms to accommodate your mum's friends at the moment, so you'll just have to make do with Helen and Hank.

CLIVE:
But what if he...

BETTY:
She.

CLIVE:
It, tries to... you know, fiddle with me while I'm sleeping.

BETTY:
I don't think you need to worry about that Clive.

CLIVE:
How do you know?!

BETTY:
Tell him Helen.

HANK: (IN FEMININE VOICE)
Because I'm a lesbian.

AFTER A MOMENT OF DAWNING REALISATION, CLIVE RELAXES A LITTLE.

CLIVE:
So I really am not your type.

HANK: (IN FEMININE VOICE)
That's right.

CLIVE IS CLEARLY RELIEVED.

BETTY: (TO CLIVE)
So you see, you're safe. Helen's not going to jump on you while your sleeping... you needn't worry.

CLIVE:
Well thank god for that!

BETTY STARTS TO LEAVE.

BETTY:
Besides, it's really Hank you should be concerned about. He's completely gay and loves the bum.

CLIVE:
What?!

BETTY EXITS, SMILING.

CLIVE AND HANK REGARD EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.

A BROAD SMILE APPEARS ON HANKS FACE.

HANK: (IN DEEP GRUFF VOICE).
Hello sexy!

CLIVE WHIMPERS.

FADE OUT.

END.