Yielding's Brain!

This script was written for 4laughs to follow the brief of prop-comedy. I decided to centre the script around the 4laughs coffee mug (a limited edition gift for contributing members to the site).

INT. YIELDING'S BRAIN

THE INTERIOR OF YEILDING'S BRAIN LOOKS VERY SIMILAR TO THE INTERIOR OF THE ALBERT HALL - BUT MADE OF MEAT

YIELDING IS SAT IN THE FIFTH ROW FACING THE STAGE. HE HAS A CLIP-BOARD ON HIS LAP AND HE IS DRINKING HOT COFFEE FROM A 4LAUGHS MUG

GIBLET GIBBONS ENTERS AND TAKES THE SEAT BESIDE YIELDING

GIBLET:
What's on the menu tonight?

YIELDING:
Prop comedy

GIBLET:
Oh good - what's the prop?

YIELDING HOLDS UP THE 4LAUGHS MUG

GIBLET: (FROWNING)
It's a bit obvious isn't it?

YIELDING:
Yeah, well, I'm not exactly on top of my game right now. I was up all night trying to make a bollock talk - so it's the mug or nothing

GIBLET:
Video entry?

YIELDING:
No thanks, I've just put one out

GIBLET IS CLEARLY CONFUSED

YIELDING:
Shall we get started?

GIBLET: (SHOUTING)
Okay! Let's have the first one!

GONAD WALKS CONFIDENTLY OUT ONTO THE STAGE, TOTALLY NAKED EXCEPT FOR A 4LAUGHS MUG WHICH HAS BEEN GLUED OVER HIS GENITALS

GONAD THRUSTS THE CUP IN YIELDINGS DIRECTION

GONAD:
This penis transplant wasn't the success I'd hoped for - now I get an erection every time I see a hobnob!

YIELDING:
Next!

GONAD SCOWLS AT YIELDING AND EXITS THE STAGE

HECTOR AND SAUL TAKE TO THE STAGE. SAUL IS CARRYING A 4LAUGHS MUG, HECTOR HAS A REMOTE CONTROL

SAUL TAUNTS HECTOR WITH THE MUG

SAUL:
Nah-nah, nah-nah-naah! I've got a 4laughs mug and you haven't! Ha-ha! I'm better than you!

HECTOR:
Really?

SAUL: (WAVING THE CUP)
Yeah!

HECTOR:
Well, you may have a 4laughs mug..

HECTOR ACTIVATES THE REMOTE CONTROL AND A GIANT BLUE COFFEE CUP ON WHEELS ZOOMS ACROSS THE STAGE AND HITS SAUL, KNOCKING HIM TO THE FLOOR

HECTOR:
..but MY cup runneth over!

SAUL STANDS AND BOTH MEN TAKE A BOW

GIBLET:
Next!

THE TWO MEN ARE REPLACED BY MOLLY

MOLLY IS WEARING A GRASS SKIRT AND CARRYING A BANJO. HER BRA CONSISTS OF TWO 4LAUGHS MUGS TIED IN PLACE WITH STRING

MOLLY BEGINS PERFORMING A DREADFUL VERSION OF M-PEOPLE'S 'MOVING ON UP', BUT IN PLACE OF THE WORD 'UP' SHE EMPHATICALLY USES THE WORD 'CUP'

GIBLET: (TO YIELDING)
It wouldn't be so bad if those cup's weren't such a perfect fit

YIELDING (GRIMACING)
Next!

MOLLY SKULKS OFF STAGE AND IS REPLACED BY NORMAN

NORMAN IS DRESSED AS A GIANT 4LAUGHS MUG. THERE IS A FLAP IN THE GENITAL AREA OF THE COSTUME

NORMAN: (SINGING)
I'm a little tea-cup, short and stout, look at my handle as I jiggle it about!

NORMAN LIFTS UP THE FLAP AND WIGGLES

YIELDING AND GIBLET LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN HORROR

GIBLET AND YIELDING: (IN UNISON)
Next!

NORMAN IS REPLACED BY RENTAL

RENTAL IS DRESSED IN A WHITE POLICEMANS UNIFORM. HE HAS A GIANT 4LAUGHS MUG FOR A HELMET AND IS CARRYING A REGULAR SIZED 4LAUGHS MUG

RENTAL PUTS THE MUG TO HIS LIPS LIKE A LOUDSPEAKER

RENTAL: (SHOUTING)
Step away from the biscuit!

YIELDING:
Next!

RENTAL SULKILY WALKS OFF STAGE

YIELDING: (TO GIBLET)
This is just rediculous! How am I supposed to salvage a sketch out of this nonsense? I mean - look!

BOTH MEN LOOK TO THE STAGE WHERE SANTA CLAUSE IS CLUMSILY SETTING UP A DRUM-KIT MADE FROM 4LAUGHS MUGS

GIBLET: (TO SANTA)
Get out!

SANTA SULKILY PACKS UP THE DRUMKIT

YIELDING:
There's not much to work with is there? There's not one idea so far that's worth a whole sketch.

GIBLET:
You could always put them all together in one sketch, throw in a couple of characters for reactions and dress it up like an audition

YIELDING LOOKS AT GIBLET IN DISGUST, LETS OUT A HEAVY SIGH AND POURS THE CONTENTS OF HIS 4LAUGHS MUG INTO HIS LAP

GIBLET SCREAMS LIKE A SCHOOL-GIRL AS HOT STEAM BEGINS RISING FROM HIS CROTCH

YIELDING: (SHOUTING)
Next!

JANINE STORMS OUT ONTO THE STAGE WEARING DENIM DUNGAREES AND LOOKING QUITE MANLY

SHE ANGRILY HOLDS UP A 4LAUGHS MUG

JANINE:
Fifty reasons why a 4laughs mug is better than a man!

YIELDING PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND BEGINS TO SOB

JANINE:
Reason number one...!

FADE OUT.