Taxi!

This script was written following a brief for a surreal sketch based around public transport. Having already set up a premise in the previous fortnights sketch (The birth of the internet), I decided to set up a second premise leading towards the same third sketch (Bus stop).

INT. CAR.

MALCOLM IS ALONE IN THE CAR, DRIVING THROUGH A QUIET TOWN CENTRE, A LIT CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH AND SINGING ALONG WITH THE CHEEKY-GIRLS ON THE STEREO.

MALCOLM'S WINDOW IS DOWN.

AS MALCOLM'S SINGING INTENSIFIES, THE CIGARETTE SLIPS FROM HIS LIPS AND DROPS BETWEEN HIS LEGS.

HE BRINGS THE CAR TO A SCREETCHING HALT.

HE QUICKLY RETRIEVES THE CIGARETTE, STUBS IT OUT AND THEN TURNS OFF THE STEREO.

WHILE MALCOLM IS WAITING FOR HIS NERVES TO SETTLE, THE REAR PASSENGER DOOR OPENS AND A MAN NAMED DONALD JUMPS IN.

MALCOLM SCREAMS WITH SURPRISE AND SPINS AROUND IN HIS SEAT.

MALCOLM:
What the hell do you think you're doing?!

DONALD QUICKLY TAKES A SMALL TOY CAR FROM HIS POCKET, REACHES OVER THE FRONT-SEATS, DROPS IT ON THE DASHBOARD, THEN SITS BACK AND POINTS TO IT.

DONALD:
Follow that car!

MALCOLM:
Get out you freak!

DONALD:
Oh, I get it - just because I'm black, you think I'm not fit to ride in your taxi! Well, I've got news for you - I'm not black! Now step on it - he's getting away!

MALCOLM:
What??!! This isn't a taxi, you weirdo! Now bugger off!

DONALD FOLDS HIS ARMS SULKILY.

DONALD:
Looks like somebody doesn't want a tip.

MALCOLM:
Have you just escaped from somewhere?

A WOMAN NAMED JANET SUDDENLY APPEARS AT MALCOLM'S WINDOW, MAKING HIM SCREAM AGAIN.

JANET REACHES IN AND DROPS A HANDFUL OF CHANGE INTO MALCOLM'S LAP.

JANET:
Town centre please.

JANET GETS INTO THE BACK-SEAT WITH DONALD.

MALCOLM: (TO JANET)
What the hell are you doing?

DONALD: (TO JANET)
Sorry love, this cab's taken. You could try the taxi-rank on Ferryman Road.

JANET:
Cab? You mean this isn't the number 42?

MALCOLM:
Does it look like a bus?!

JANET:
Yes.

DONALD LOOKS AROUND AT THE CARS INTERIOR.

DONALD: (TO JANET)
Now you mention it, this doesn't really look like a taxi.

MALCOLM:
That's because it's not!

JANET: (TO MALCOLM)
See.

DONALD RETRIEVES HIS TOY CAR FROM THE DASHBOARD AND DROPS SOME CHANGE INTO MALCOLM'S LAP.

DONALD:
Town centre please.

MALCOLM:
What?!!!

THE REAR DOOR OPENS AND A MAN NAMED ERROL LEANS IN.

ERROL:
Is this the train to Nottingham?

MALCOLM:
No it's bloody not!!

ERROL:
Good...

ERROL GETS IN BESIDE DONALD AND JANET THEN CLOSES THE DOOR.

ERROL: (CONTINUED)
... I thought I'd missed it.

MALCOLM:
What is wrong with you people?!

JANET: (TO DONALD)
I've got an Auntie in Nottingham.

DONALD: (TO JANET)
Let's go there then.

DONALD AND JANET DROP A HANDFUL OF CHANGE INTO MALCOLM'S LAP.

DONALD AND JANET:
Two returns to Nottingham please.

ERROL HOLDS UP A TRAIN TICKET TO SHOW THAT HE'S ALREADY PAID.

MALCOLM:
Look! This is not a taxi! It's not a bus! And it's not a frikkin' train - alright?!! It's a purple renault Cleo and it's taking me home! Now, everybody - out!!!

JANET:
Renault Cleo? Isn't that a girl's car?

MALCOLM:
Out!!!

THE FRONT PASSENGER DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS AND A MAN NAMED JAMIE JUMPS IN BESIDE MALCOLM.

JAMIE IS DRESSED AS A TERRORIST, WITH HOTDOG SAUSAGES STRAPPED TO HIS STOMACH LIKE DYNAMITE.

MALCOLM:
You've got to be kidding me!

JAMIE:
This is a hijack! Turn this plane around and take me to Yugoslavia!

MALCOLM LOOKS AT JAMIE IN STUNNED DISBELIEF.

ERROL:
Oh good, the buffet's open.

ERROL REACHES FORWARD AND TAKES ONE OF JAMIE'S SAUSAGES.

DONALD: (TO JAMIE)
Have you got any nuts?

JAMIE SEARCHES HIS POCKETS FOR NUTS.

MALCOLM BURIES HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AND BEGINS SOBBING.

FADE OUT.