The Moisty Bappers Guide to the Elsewhere.

This is a sitcom pilot I wrote a year or two ago. It plays a little like a live action version of the Creature Comforts series, with a selection of thirty-somethings each week offering their views on a given subject.

The premise isn't all that original, and the humour is a little slow to kick in, but I really liked the 'aside' interactions between the different characters, and I think there are quite a few genuine laughs to be found once the jokes start snowballing.

Despite its many failings, and despite its rejection by the BBC, this still remains my favourite work in the direction of scripted comedy.

Anyway, here it is...




The Moisty Bappers Guide to the Elsewhere.

Pilot Episode: ‘Single life.’

© Scott H Mitchell. 2005

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A CAPTION APPEARS ONSCREEN READING:


SINGLE LIFE.


CUT TO:

SCENE 01: INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE.

THE NAMEPLATE ON THE DESK READS:
Dr G. Nipplethwaite PhD.

THE DOCTOR IS SAT BEHIND HIS DESK.

DISPITE WEARING A SUIT, THE DOCTOR LOOKS DISHEVELED AND OUT OF HIS DEPTH.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
It’s a big word. A very big word. (PAUSE) Well, actually it’s two little words that make up one big meaning. Although single has got two syllables, so technically it’s a bigger word than life. (PAUSE) You should think about that.

CUT TO:

SCENE 02: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY IS SAT ON THE BED SURROUNDED BY A NUMBER OF SOFT TOYS AND TEDDY BEARS.

SHE IS PLAIN LOOKING WITH THICK HORN RIMMED GLASSES.

SHE IS WEARING PINK PYJAMAS AND HAS A CONFUSED LOOK ON HER FACE.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
What?!

CUT TO:


SCENE 03: INT. NIGHT-CLUB.

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY IS SAT BY THE BAR ON A TALL BAR-STOOL.

THERE IS A PINT OF LAGER ON THE BAR BESIDE HER.

STACEY IS SLIM, NOT UNATTRACTIVE AND IS DRESSED SEXILY.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
Let’s face it, there’s single…

STACEY WINKS SEDUCTIVELY AND LICKS HER LIPS.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
…and there’s single…

STACEY PULLS A GROTESQUE FACE.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
…know what I mean?

STACEY TAKES A SIP OF HER PINT.

CUT TO:

SCENE 04: INT. DINING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Trevor.

TREVOR IS OVERWEIGHT, BALDING, WITH A COMB-OVER AND A BAD COMPLEXION.

HE IS WEARING A CARDIGAN.

TREVOR: (TO CAMERA)
I don’t see what the big deal is – I love being single. (AS THOUGH NOT BELIEVED). I do! I’m single through choice. If I wanted a girlfriend I’d go out and get one, I’m no slouch when it comes to the ladies…

TREVOR CLUMSILY DROPS A JIGSAW PIECE ON THE FLOOR AND BENDS DOWN BENEATH THE TABLE TO RETRIEVE IT.

WHEN HE RE-EMERGES WITH THE JIGSAW PIECE HIS COMB-OVER IS ASKEW.

TREVOR: (TO CAMERA)
…I’ve got game.

CUT TO:


SCENE 05: INT. NIGHT-CLUB.

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY, WHO HAD BEEN DRINKING FROM HER PINT, SUDDENLY SPRAYS OUT A MOUTHFUL OF BEER IN DISBELIEF.

CUT TO:

SCENE 06: INT. SUPERMARKET.

A SUBTITLE READS: Simon.

SIMON IS SLOWLY PUSHING HIS SHOPPING TROLLEY ALONG THE TINNED GOODS AISLE.

HE IS DRESSED IN A PLAIN T-SHIRT AND JEANS AND LOOKS NO MORE OR LESS THAN AVERAGE.

AS HE IS TALKING HE OCCASIONALLY STOPS TO PUT TINS INTO HIS TROLLEY.

SIMON: (TO CAMERA)
When you’re in your teenage years it’s all about experience. When you’re in your twenties it’s all about love, but when you get into your thirties it’s all about baggage. By the time you hit mid-thirty you’ve got a whole life behind you, and if you want to be with somebody, that’s a lot of weight to share – but that’s what love is, that’s what being with somebody means; to share that weight, to carry each other through life.
But you’re not just sharing your baggage with your partner, you’re partner’s sharing their baggage with you; she gets your ex-girlfriends, you get her ex-boyfriends. She gets your family, you get hers, and if one or both of you have kids, you get their baggage thrown in for free. Friends, enemies, regrets and battle-scars all divided between the two of you. But if there’s to be any chance of a successful relationship, you’ve got to get the balance right. You’ve got to weigh your potential partners’ baggage against your own until you find a comfortable disposition.
If your partner has a lot of baggage and you have very little, then you should go well together, you’ve got room to spare, you can carry her extra load. But if you and your partner have both got a lot of baggage then there’s no way it’s going to work.
It’s like when two fat people have sex, you can jostle, push and manoeuvre your way around some things, but when it comes down to it, there’s just too much pressure from either side to ever let you stay together for long.

CUT TO:

SCENE 07: INT. SITTING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Jamie and Lisa.

JAMIE AND LISA ARE SAT SIDE BY SIDE ON THE SOFA HOLDING HANDS.

JAMIE IS THIN AND PALE WITH SMALL ROUND GLASSES, AND IS DRESSED NEATLY.

LISA IS EXTREMELY OVERWEIGHT AND WEARING A BUS-RED DRESS.


JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
I hated being single.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
Me too.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
It was like waiting for a bus in the rain.

JAMIE SMILES LIVINGLY AT LISA.

LISA: (TOUCHED)
Aah.

CUT TO:

SCENE 08: INT.WINE BAR.

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick.

PATRICK IS SAT ALONE AT A TABLE WITH A GLASS OF WHISKEY.

PATRICK IS DRESSED IN DESIGNER CLOTHES, AND CLEARLY CONSIDERS HIMSELF A LADIES MAN.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
You get a lot more sex when you’re single.

CUT TO:

SCENE 09: INT.LIVING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Ron and Sharon.

RON AND SHARON ARE SAT ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE SOFA.

THE ROOM IS LITTERED WITH CHILDRENS TOYS.

BOTH LOOK EXHAUSTED WITH BAGS UNDER THEIR EYES.

SHARON IS IN A DRESSING GOWN, RON IS DRESSED IN PAINT COVERED OVERALLS.

RON: (TO CAMERA)
You’re not kidding!

SHARON: (TO RON)
Shut it you.

CUT TO:


SCENE 10: INT. SITTING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Jamie and Lisa.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
I feel sorry for single people.

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
Yeah, I know what you mean.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
My friend Sarah’s single and she cries herself to sleep every night.

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
Oh, that’s terrible.

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
I know, she’s really self conscious; she can’t even look at a guy without thinking he’s put off by her lips.

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
What’s wrong with her lips?

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
She hasn’t got any. (TO CAMERA) And she’s fat. She’s not shapely and rounded like me, she’s proper fat (TO JAMIE) like your mum.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
Oh dear.

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
It’s a shame, ‘cause once you get past the lips, the mole and the glass-eye she’s really pretty… and really intelligent – she watches countdown nearly every day!

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
We should fix her up with Simon – he’s not seeing anybody.

CUT TO:

SCENE 11: INT. SUPERMARKET.

A SUBTITLE READS: Simon.

SIMON IS STANDING IN THE FRESH MEAT ISLE HOLDING A LARGE RAW CHICKEN.

HE LOOKS TO CAMERA AND SHIVERS IN DISGUST.

CUT TO:


SCENE 12: INT. LIVING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Ron and Sharon.

SHARON: (TO CAMERA)
Take my advice, if you’re single – stay single.

SHARON SNEERS AT RON.

RON: (TO CAMERA)
And if you’re married, take my advice (PAUSE) Find a hit-man.

CUT TO:

SCENE 13: INT. NIGHT-CLUB.

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
Relationships are too complicated. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll see a guy a few times, maybe go back to the same guy for sex now and then, but I won’t go further than that.
I like my space, I like to walk around naked, leave the dishes in the sink for a few days and take a crap with the door open.
I’m not ready to give that up yet.

CUT TO:

SCENE 14: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
I’d like somebody to hug me. I know it sounds silly, but that’s all I want. I want a man who’ll hug me when I’m feeling sad, and cuddle me when I’m feeling happy.
I want to be held by arms that want to hold me – that’s all.

CUT TO:

SCENE 15: INT. WINE BAR.

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick

PATRICK IS LOOKING OFF CAMERA BEMUSED.

PATRICK:
Jesus that girl needs a fluffy dildo. (TO CAMERA) Men aren’t built for things like that, we’re not built for relationships – we have a penis (POINTS TO PENIS).
A mans penis is like a car – mine’s like a Ferrari – and when you get married you’re effectively putting that car in a garage, one garage, where it’s going to stay until it rusts.
If you’re single on the other hand you can drive that shiny car up any street you want, you can park it up somebody’s alley at night and drive it through the valleys in the morning, and if you get clamped – you just pay the fine and move on.

CUT TO:

SCENE 16: INT. CAFÉ.

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

EMILY IS SAT AT A TABLE WITH A CUP OF COFFEE.

EMILY IS DRESSED IN A CONSERVATIVE SKIRT AND JUMPER.

SHE LOOKS NOTHING MORE OR LESS THAN AVERAGE.

EMILY: (TO CAMERA)
You meet a lot of pillocks when you’re dating.

CUT TO:

SCENE 17: INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
One. Solitary. Alone. Unattached. Isolated….

HE INTERRUPTS HIMSELF TO EXPLAIN.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
These are all words that mean single.

THEN RETURNS TO HIS LIST.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
Separate. Distinct. Individual…

CUT TO:

SCENE 18: INT. PRISON CELL.

A SUBTITLE READS: Woods.

WOODS IS SAT ON THE LOWER BUNK.

WOODS IS A HEAVY SET MAN WITH A SHAVED HEAD AND NUMEROUS TATTOOS.

WOODS: (TO CAMERA)
It’s only when we are alone that we truly understanding the value of company. When we have somebody in our lives we forget how hard it is to be single – that hug, that kiss that… that companionship, they don’t mean as much when you have them. Sure it’s nice, sometimes even great – but it can never be perfect, because the strongest desires we have are for the things we’ve lost. We start to miss being alone, we start to miss the freedom we had.
Only when you’re alone can you fully appreciate the pleasure of having somebody in your life, and only when you have somebody in your life can you fully appreciate the pleasure of being alone.

WOODS LOOKS OFF CAMERA AND GRIMACES.

THE CAMERA FOLLOWS HIS GAZE.

IN THE CORNER OF THE CELL, SAT ON THE TOILET WITH HIS TROUSERS AROUND HIS ANKLES IS HENRY.

HENRY IS READING A NEWSPAPER. HE IS MEDIUM BUILT WITH LONG HAIR AND GLASSES.

THE SUBTITLE CHANGES TO READ: Woods and Henry.

HENRY LOWERS HIS NEWSPAPER AND FROWNS.

HENRY: (TO CAMERA)
What?

CUT TO:


SCENE 19: INT.CAFE

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

ALONG WITH THE COFFEE, THERE IS NOW A PLATE OF CHEESE ON TOAST IN FRONT OF EMILY.

EMILY: (TO CAMERA)
I tried speed dating, text dating, phone dating, internet dating, blind dates, night-clubs, social clubs, pubs, church groups, libraries, community centres, contact magazines, I’ve tried everything; and I still can’t find a man whose brain doesn’t have testicles swinging from it. Don’t get me wrong, I like sex, but I want more from a relationship, much more. I’d rather go out with an impotent philosopher than a well hung toilet-sniffer. I want a man who stimulates my mind, and if he can’t get it up… I’ll just plug in the pink deluxe with adjustable speed settings and leave him to do the dishes. See, when you enter into a relationship you’re not just sharing your bed, you’re sharing your life. (PAUSE) Of course, I wouldn’t mind a well hung philosopher but I’ve seen what’s out there – and the pickings are slim.

CUT TO:

SCENE 20: INT.LIVING ROOM

A SUBTITLE READS: Ron and Sharon.

RON: (TO CAMERA)
I miss the sex.

SHARON LOOKS AT HIM WITH SURPRISE AND CONTEMPT.

RON: (TO SHARON)
Not with you – I mean the sex that I had when I was single.

SHARON: (TO RON)
You mean you inflicted that on other women? My god you’re cruel!

RON: (TO SHARON)
You never used to complain.

SHARON: (TO RON)
You never used to wake me up.

CUT TO:

SCENE 21: INT. SITTING ROOM.

A CAPTION READS: Jamie and Lisa.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
I think that there’s somebody out there for everybody.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
I think so too.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
All you have to do is look. (TO LISA) We found each other didn’t we?

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
We did.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
See?

CUT TO:

SCENE 22: INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
Solitary existence, single life. Unified existence, married life – you see? It’s all in the words.

CUT TO:

SCENE 23: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
I’m thirty four years old and only two men in my entire life have told me they loved me. One was my Dad, and the other was a man named Thomas Finch. I knew him for two weeks. He told me he loved me four times then he emptied my bank account, stole all my furniture and ran up six thousand pounds worth of debt in my name. (CHEERILY) I have his picture here somewhere.

DAISY GETS UP OFF THE BED AND EXITS FROM VIEW.

CUT TO:

SCENE 24: INT. SUPERMARKET.

A SUBTITLE READS: Simon.

SIMON:
I’ve had quite an easy life, so I don’t mind a woman with a lot of baggage, but what I don’t like is a woman with a long history of boyfriends, you know really long.
You see, ex-partners are the benchmark by which current partners are measured, and the fewer people you’re judged against, the better your chances of success. If you’re with a girl who’s had two significant relationships, and one ex-boyfriend was better than you at say… housework, and the other was better at listening, then there’s still a long list of things that you’ll be best at in her mind – sex being one of them. But if you’re with a girl who’s had ten significant relationships then that list starts to look pretty short, and you’re left to face the fact that you’ve got nothing to offer that she hasn’t already humped and thrown away.
The only way you can successfully endure a long-term relationship with a woman of vast experience is if you are equal to, or greater than all of her ex-partners in all aspects of existence, and let’s face it – what are the odds of that?

CUT TO:

SCENE 25: INT.WINE BAR.

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
(WINKS) Pretty damn good.

CUT TO:

SCENE 26: INT. DINING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Trevor.

TREVOR: (TO CAMERA)
People think that just because I live with my mum and don’t have a girlfriend, that I don’t know how to score with the chicks. Well I know exactly how to score with the chicks – I just don’t want to.
I like being on my own. Things are so much easier when you’re single, there’s more freedom. I don’t have the patience to make dates, go to disco’s and think up funny things to say, it’s too much hassle. I’d much rather stay here, do my jigsaws and look after my mum’s feet.

CUT TO:

SCENE 27: INT. NIGHT-CLUB

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
Quick girls, he’s getting away.

CUT TO:

SCENE 28: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY IS ONCE AGAIN SAT ON HER BED. SHE IS SMILING AND HOLDING OUT A LARGE FRAMED NEWSPAPER CLIPPING OF A MAN IN HANDCUFFS WITH POLICEMEN ON EITHER SIDE. THE HEADLINE ABOVE THE PICTURE READS: Gigolo arrested.

SHE LOWERS THE PICTURE.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
According to the police his real name was Bradley Dukes (LOOKS AT PHOTO AFFECTIONATELY), but for me he’ll always be Tommy.

CUT TO:

SCENE 29: INT. PRISON CELL

A SUBTITLE READS: Woods and Henry.

WOODS AND HENRY ARE SAT SIDE BY SIDE ON THE BOTTOM BUNK.

WOODS: (TO CAMERA)
Sometimes mistakes you’ve made in your youth, back when you were somebody else, are all it takes to prevent somebody from loving you.

HENRY PONDERS THIS.

HENRY: (TO CAMERA)
Having a small penis doesn’t help either.

CUT TO:

SCENE 30: INT. LIVING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Ron and Sharon.

SHARON NODS TOWARDS RON.

SHARON: (TO CAMERA)
He’s got an in-growing penis.

RON: (TO SHARON)
Only when it’s trying to get away from you.

CUT TO:

SCENE 31: INT. WINE BAR.

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
It’s important to be good in bed. If you’re crap in bed you might as well get married. Single life is all about sex – how much you’re getting, who it’s from, what it’s like, it’s nothing but sex.
When you’re single you gauge your life by how long it’s been since you last got your tackle wet - that’s how time passes, but when you’re in a relationship you gauge your life on how long it’s been since you were last single.
When your man suddenly sits up and says (HAPPILY) ‘My god, do you realise we’ve been together now for almost two years, isn’t that wonderful?’, what he’s really saying is (MORBIDLY) ‘My god, I’ve just spent the last two years munching on the same old carpet, where did it all go wrong?’

CUT TO:

SCENE 32: INT. NIGHT-CLUB

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
There’s a lot of fumbling goes on in one night stands. Most of the time it’s hit and miss – literally. You never know what you’re going to get, one night you’ve got a porn star, the next you’ve got a wet sock. It’s like playing the lottery; you pay your money and wait for your balls to come up.

CUT TO:

SCENE 33: INT. SITTING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Jamie and Lisa.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
I think that one night stands are disgusting.

JAMIE LOOKS TO LISA, BUT SHE SAYS NOTHING.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
And I don’t believe in sex before marriage.

JAMIE LOOKS AGAIN AT LISA, BUT STILL SHE REMAINS SILENT.

JAMIE’S CONCERN GROWS.

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
And I definitely don’t believe in infidelity.

JAMIE LOOKS AGAIN TO LISA WITH GROWING CONCERN.

AFTER A MOMENT SHE REALISES HE IS WAITING FOR A RESPONSE.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
I agree.

JAMIE SIGHS WITH RELIEF.

CUT TO:


SCENE 34: INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE.

THE DOCTOR IS STILL PRESENT.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
The question is, if one and one are two – how can two become one? The answer? – They can’t. Not unless you subtract one of the ones from the two, then you’re just left with the other one of the ones you had when you started, so when it comes down to it, one and one are really nothing more than two ones pretending to be one one.

CUT TO:

SCENE 35: INT. CAFÉ.

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

THE CHEESE ON TOAST HAS NOT YET BEEN TOUCHED.

EMILY: (TO CAMERA)
The longest relationship I had was for four years, his name was Stuart Grump and he was a mechanic. He wasn’t a very good mechanic, he spent more time at Jobseekers than he did under cars, but he was good with his hands. I think, no – I’m sure that’s why we stayed together so long. I can be sure because I remember that as soon as I got my first proper vibrator I dropped him like a leper’s testicle.
It’s an amazing thing – before I found mechanical plastic, I’d be grateful for anything I could get – now I can be choosy.

CUT TO:

SCENE 36: INT. SUPERMARKET.

A SIMON READS: Simon.

SIMON: (TO CAMERA)
We all know what kind of person we want to spend our lives with, but because we don’t find them straight away we start trying on other types of people to see if they’ll fit. It’s like we’re shopping for clothes. You go out looking for a brand new tuxedo and realise you’ve only got enough in your wallet for a second hand tank-top. It doesn’t look as good but at least it’s comfortable.

SIMON SELECTS AN ITEM FROM THE SUPERMARKET SHELF AND DROPS IT IN HIS TROLLEY, THEN SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS.

SIMON: (TO CAMERA)
I’m a tank-top.

CUT TO:

SCENE 37: INT. LIVING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Ron and Sharon.

SHARON NODS TOWARDS RON.

SHARON: (TO CAMERA)
He’s a twat.

CUT TO:

SCENE 38: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

THE PHOTOGRAPH IS NOW GONE.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
In other news I’ve been talking to a man on the internet recently and we’re getting on really well. I’m going to meet him for the first time on Wednesday. He said that I’d really like his friends, and that when I get down to Birmingham they’re all going to take me up the brown eye. (PAUSE) I think that’s his local.

CUT TO:


SCENE 39: INT. DINING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Trevor.

TREVOR: (TO CAMERA)
I’m really smooth with the ladies - all my mums’ friends think I’m great. When I was twenty-four, mum entered me into a record breakers competition. She put me and her friend Barbara in the worlds longest kiss category. We locked lips for two hours, thirty-six minutes and five seconds… she loved every minute of it. My tongue was everywhere, (PAUSE) which is why we didn’t win – I sucked out all of her denture-fix and ended up choking on her false teeth.

CUT TO:


SCENE 40: INT. CAFÉ.

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

EMILY IS ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF HER CHEESE ON TOAST, BUT GRIMACES AND PUTS IT BACK ON HER PLATE.

CUT TO:


SCENE 41: INT. PRISON CELL.

A SUBTITLE READS: Woods and Henry.

WOODS: (TO CAMERA)
I used to be terrible at talking to women. I’d approach a woman with something in mind, something witty and charming to say, but when it came to actually saying it – it would always come out wrong.

HENRY: (TO CAMERA)
I never had that trouble – I had a line that never failed.

WOODS: (TO HENRY)
(SIGH) Go on then, what was it?

HENRY: (TO CAMERA)
Well, it wasn’t just a line, it was part of a plan. There’s this night-club in Blackburn that opens late on Monday nights – which happens to be the same day of the week that single mothers get their benefits, so the place is like a fish market. All I used to do is walk up to a girl, say ‘Excuse me, if I buy you a drink will you give us a gobble?’, and if she said no, I’d move on to someone else until I got a yes.

WOODS: (TO HENRY)
And this worked did it?

HENRY: (TO CAMERA)
Eventually, yes. I mean, I’d get a few slaps and the occasional Bacardi-breezer in the face, but by the end of the night most of the… less attractive women who don’t get a lot of drinks bought for them are ready to barter.
One time they put the price of beer up and when they rang the bell for last orders there were two queues forming.

WOODS: (TO HENRY)
Sounds like a classy place, what’s it called?

HENRY: (TO WOODS)
The Happy Slapper.

WOODS: (TO CAMERA)
Nice.

CUT TO:


SCENE 42: INT. WINE BAR

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick.

PATRICK IS WRITING SOMETHING IN HIS LITTLE BLACK BOOK.

PATRICK: (QUIETLY TO SELF)
The – happy – slapper.

CUT TO:

SCENE 43: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
We met through a mutual love of the ocean. I was looking through the chat rooms and saw one about water-sports, which is perfect because I always wanted to try scuba diving. So I joined in and started talking to a guy who called himself Salty Plums 69. After a while I told him that I wanted to go diving, and that’s when I found out he’s a professional diver. He goes diving for muffs off the coast of Birmingham. (PAUSE) I wasn’t sure what a muff was, but he says it’s a type of hairy clam.

CUT TO:


SCENE 44: INT. NIGHT-CLUB.

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
I think I’ll always be single. I like the thrill of the chase, the passion and the danger. The minute I see a relationship forming I’m off.
I’ve got a rule – if a man farts in front of me, it’s goodbye. It’s not that I’m bothered by the smell or anything, a lot of the time my bum-shells are rancid – it’s the significance. When a man cracks one out in front of you, he’s claiming ownership, he’s saying, ‘I no longer have to try. I’ve got you, you’re mine, smell this.’ (PAUSE) It’s like a slap in the face.

CUT TO:



SCENE 45: INT. LIVING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS. Ron and Sharon.

RON IS RED-FACED AND STRAINING.

SHARON: (TO CAMERA)
When I first met the lump I was a waitress in a café. He bought me a soggy pink rose and promised to make all my dreams come true. I still wake up screaming.
You won’t believe how romantic he was; meals, cinemas, long walks in the moonlight and lingering looks. He managed to keep it up until about three days after we married, then all of the sudden he just exploded in a ball of bodily functions. It was like something off the discovery channel, he mutated into some sort of gas filled, nose-picking, pug-faced slug-monster overnight.

RON FINALLY LETS OUT A LOUD RASPING FART AND BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER.

SHARON: (TO CAMERA)
See?

RON: (TO SHARON)
There’s a slap in the face for you!

CUT TO:

SCENE 46: INT. SITTING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Jamie and Lisa.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
In the olden days, if you weren’t married by the time you were twenty-one, you were an old maid.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
Things were a lot better in the olden days.

LISA: (TO CAMERA)
And if you got pregnant before you were married, they shaved your head and sent you to live in Scotland!

JAMIE SHIVERS.

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
These days people actually go to Scotland for their holidays!

JAMIE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAPPOINTMENT.

JAMIE: (TO SELF)
The worlds gone mad.

CUT TO:

SCENE 47: INT. CAFÉ

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

EMILY: (TO CAMERA)
You hear a lot of bad chat up lines when you’re single. I had a guy come up to me once and say ‘Excuse me love – can I smell your vagina?’, when I said no, he said ‘It must be your feet then.’ – he actually thought that I’d be impressed with that.
Another guy came up to me – on the same night – and said that if I didn’t kiss him right there and then, he was going to kill himself… and did he kill himself? (PAUSE) Yes he did - he was a manic depressive.

EMILY TAKES A SIP OF HER COFFEE.

CUT TO:

SCENE 48: INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE.

THE DOCTOR IS STILL PRESENT.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
Without words, there is no communication. Without communication, the single life is a solitary life (PAUSE) Do you see where I’m going with this?

CUT TO:


SCENE 49: INT. WINE BAR.

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick.

PATRICK TAKES A SIP OF HIS DRINK.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
When you’re looking for a one night stand it’s good to have a strategy. The first thing you should do when you get into a night-club is flirt with all the ugly girls before you move on to the top shelf, that way, if you can’t get a looker, you’ve already warmed up your reserves.

CUT TO:


SCENE 50: INT. SUPERMARKET

A SUBTITLE READS: Simon.

SIMON: (TO CAMERA)
When you’ve been single for a long time, your perception of beauty changes. Women who you’d previously considered ugly start to look attractive, you start to notice things about them you’ve never noticed before – the way they smile, the shape of their eyes, the way they move – whatever it is you start to see it more and more, then one day you think ‘actually, she’s quite pretty, maybe I’ll ask her out’.
So you do, and she says yes. Then you start a relationship and you start having sex. All of a sudden your vision starts to clear, your original perception returns, and you realise that – for the sake of a quick jump – you’ve entered into a relationship with a woman who’s face has all the appeal of a severed penis pressed into a dog-turd. (PAUSE) That’s when you know you’re in trouble.

CUT TO:


SCENE 51: INT. PRISON CELL

A SUBTITLE READS: Woods and Henry.

WOODS: (TO CAMERA)
My father once said to me that love sees only the soul, and that if we abandon our preconceptions of beauty, we’ll never be without it.

THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE AS THE TWO MEN PONDER THIS.

HENRY: (TO WOODS)
Was your mum a minger then?

CUT TO:

SCENE 52: INT. NIGHT-CLUB.

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
The worst thing about being single in your thirties is that all your friends start to feel sorry for you – they won’t accept that you’re single on purpose, they treat you like you’ve got an illness or something, it’s all ‘Aah, isn’t it a shame’ and ‘don’t worry, you’ll find somebody eventually.’ (PAUSE) They’re right though, I usually do… it’s usually their husbands.

CUT TO:


SCENE 53: INT.DINING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Trevor.

TREVOR: (TO CAMERA)
I do masturbate a lot. Five or six times a day – seven if my mum goes to bingo. It’s not a sex thing, I’m not a pervert or anything, I mean it’s not like I do it to dirty videos or magazines, I just do it to relax. I put on a Chas and Dave CD, draw the curtains, take off a sock and get busy. (PAUSE) It doesn’t take me long.

CUT TO:

SCENE 54: INT. NIGHT-CLUB

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

STACEY TAKES A SIP OF HER PINT, THEN SUDDENLY SPRAYS OUT A MOUTHFUL OF BEER IN DISBELIEF.

CUT TO:

SCENE 55: INT. SITTING ROOM

A SUBTITLE READS: Jamie and Lisa.

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
Did you masturbate when you were single?

JAMIE: (EMBARRASSED)
Everybody does when they’re young – it’s part of growing up.

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
You don’t still do it do you?

JAMIE KISSES LISA’S HAND LOVINGLY.

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
Who needs to masturbate when you’re around?

LISA: (TOUCHED)
Aah.

CUT TO:


SCENE 56: INT. CAFÉ.

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

EMILY: (TO CAMERA)
Men’s sexual fantasies are always really detailed and exact, they picture a woman’s face, her clothes, her shoes, her voice, the environment around her, the situation that leads up to the sex – everything. When women fantasise about sex they don’t bother with all that – it’s a blank face and their favourite position.
You see, to a woman it doesn’t really matter who does it, just as long as they do it well.

CUT TO:


SCENE 57: INT. WINE BAR

A subtitle reads: Patrick.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
When it comes down to it, the bit of your life between growing your first pubic hair and seeing your first grey one should be spent between as many different pairs of legs as possible. If you get married before you reach your forties you’re effectively closing the book too soon – it’s like buying a porn magazine and sticking the pages together with sellotape instead of seamen.

CUT TO:

SCENE 58: INT. BEDROOM

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
First dates are always the hardest, especially if you’ve met over the internet, because you’ve already got to know their mind, and you’ve sort of created a mental image of their body and the way they act– but what if you’re wrong? What if he’s got a stutter, a twitch, a runny nose and a limp? I mean, I’m not shallow, I don’t judge a man by any of those things, but on a first date that’s a lot of surprises to deal with.
I remember once I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. She told me everything about his job, his looks, his hobbies. What she didn’t tell me was that he had tourettes syndrome. I walked up to him, smiled, shook his hand and said hello. He spat in my face, called me a big hairy spunk-bubble, burst into tears then ran off. (PAUSE) That’s not the sort of thing you want to hear on a first date.

CUT TO:


SCENE 59: INT. PSYCHIATRISTS OFFICE.

DOCTOR: (TO CAMERA)
So what is the single life? Is it really just a couple of words? (PAUSE, THEN WITH EMPHASIS) Or is it something more?

THE DOCTOR PAUSES FOR EFFECT, THEN SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS DISMISSIVELY.

CUT TO:

SCENE 60: INT. NIGHT-CLUB

A SUBTITLE READS: Stacey.

STACEY: (TO CAMERA)
I suppose your definition of the single life depends on your perspective. If you’ve got a face like a spoonful of porridge jammed into a condom, then being single’s probably the worst part of your life. (PAUSE) Me? I see it as the best part, a time that should be viewed from the horizontal position as much as possible; or at the very least pushed up against an alley wall with a kebab in one hand and a Malibu and coke in the other.

STACEY SMILES.

CUT TO:

SCENE 61: INT. PRISON CELL

A SUBTITLE READS: Woods and Henry.

WOODS: (TO CAMERA)
Being single is like being in prison.

BOTH MEN CONSIDER THIS.

HENRY: (TO CAMERA)
In this prison, being single is like walking through Ethiopia with a fried chicken hanging out of your arse.

BOTH MEN NOD IN AGREEMENT.

CUT TO:


SCENE 62: INT. WINE BAR

A SUBTITLE READS: Patrick.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
It’s the icing on the cake – I swear I’ve never been happier. If Lorraine Kelly herself walked in here wearing nothing but a see-through rain coat and said we could only have sex if we got married, I’d turn her down flat.

PATRICK TAKES A SIP OF HIS WHISKEY.

PATRICK: (TO CAMERA)
I’d probably have to throw one off at the wrist – but I’d still say no.

CUT TO:

SCENE 63: INT. SITTING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Jamie and Lisa.

JAMIE: (TO CAMERA)
It’s something I never want to be again.

LISA: (TO JAMIE)
I agree.

LISA AND JAMIE KISS.

JAMIE PULLS BACK AND GRIMACES.

JAMIE: (TO LISA)
When did you last brush your teeth?

LISA REDDENS WITH EMBARRASSMENT.

CUT TO:


SCENE 64: INT. CAFÉ.

A SUBTITLE READS: Emily.

EMILY: (TO CAMERA)
The single life is the long empty path on the road to disappointment. (PAUSE) It’s also a good time to buy your batteries in bulk.

EMILY TAKES A SIP OF HER COFFEE.

SUDDENLY A LOW BUZZING SOUND MAKES EMILY JUMP WITH PLEASURE.

AFTER SAVOURING THE MOMENT, EMILY REACHES UP UNDER HER SKIRT AND PULLS OUT A MOBILE PHONE.

SHE WIPES THE PHONE ON HER JACKET AND ANSWERS IT.

EMILY: (INTO PHONE)
Hello?

CUT TO:


SCENE 65: INT. SUPER MARKET

SIMON IS WAITING IN LINE AT THE CHECK-OUT.

A SUBTITLE READS: Simon.

SIMON: (TO CAMERA)
It’s where you go shopping.

CUT TO:


SCENE 66: INT. BEDROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Daisy.

DAISY SMILES SWEETLY.

DAISY: (TO CAMERA)
It’s where you wait for your happy endings.

CUT TO:


SCENE 67: INT. LIVING ROOM.

A SUBTITLE READS: Ron and Sharon.

RON AND SHARON LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH CONTEMPT FOR A MOMENT.

RON: (TO CAMERA) SHARON: (TO CAMERA)
Bollocks! Bollocks!


A CAPTION APPEARS ONSCREEN READING:


SINGLE LIFE.


CUT TO:

SCENE 68: INT. DINING ROOM

A SUBTITLE READS: Trevor.

THE ROOM IS NOW DIMLY LIT.

CHAS AND DAVE CAN BE HEARD FROM THE STEREO PERFORMING ‘RABBIT.’

THERE IS A SINGLE SHOE ON THE TABLE, BUT NO SOCK.

TREVOR IS STANDING WITH HIS BACK TO THE CAMERA; HIS RIGHT ARM A BLUR OF MOTION (OBVIOUSLY MASTURBATING).


FADE OUT.


END EPISODE.