Holy Orders

INT. LOCAL PUB/DAY.

THE BAR-ROOM IS EMPTY EXCEPT FOR BARRY (THE LANDLORD) WHO IS STANDING AT THE END OF THE BAR FACING TREVOR (A REGULAR), WHO IS SAT AT THE BAR DRINKING A PINT.

BOTH MEN ARE SILENTLY ENJOYING THE PEACE AND QUIET.

THE PUB DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND JESUS CHRIST ENTERS (WEARING ROBE AND SANDELS), THEN APPROACHES THE FAR END OF THE BAR.

WITH A HEAVY SIGH, BARRY ROLLS HIS EYES AT TREVOR, THEN WALKS THE LENGTH OF THE BAR TO SERVE JESUS.

BARMAN:
Usual is it?

A SMILING JESUS EXCITEDLY NODS.

GRIM FACED, BARRY FILLS A GLASS WITH TAP-WATER AND PLACES IT IN FRONT OF JESUS.

BARRY:
That'll be five-pence.

JESUS FROWNS, LOSING HIS HAPPY DEMEANOR FOR A MOMENT.

BARRY:
Brewery says we have to start charging for water.

BARRY ALLOWS HIMSELF A BRIEF SMILE AND HOLDS OUT HIS HANDS FOR THE COIN.

RELUCTANTLY, JESUS REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND HANDS BARRY A TEN PENCE PIECE.

BARRY PUTS THE TEN PENCE IN THE TILL, AND JESUS HOLDS OUT HIS HAND FOR THE CHANGE.

BARRY PLACES THE FIVE PENCE COIN ON JESUS'S HAND, BUT THE COIN FALLS THROUGH THE HOLE IN HIS PALM, MAKING JESUS GIGGLE, AND BARRY ROLL HIS EYES AGAIN.

JESUS POCKETS THE COIN.

BARRY:
Anything else?

JESUS, HOLDS ONE FINGER UP TO SILENCE BARRY, TAKES A STEP BACK THEN BEGINS TO WAVE HIS HANDS OVER THE GLASS OF WATER LIKE A SECOND RATE MAGICIAN SHOWING OFF A NEW TRICK.

BARRY SIGHS.

AFTER A MOMENT THE WATER TURNS INTO WINE, AND JESUS EXPRESSES PRACTICED AMAZEMENT, AND WAITS FOR APPLAUSE.

BARRY SHAKES HIS HEAD SLOWLY.

BARRY:
You know, you're not making any friends here...

JESUS PICKS UP THE WINE AND SIPS IT DRAMATICALLY, SAVOURING THE TASTE LIKE A MIME.

BARRY: (CONTINUED)
...I've got a buisiness to run, mouths to feed.

JESUS SMILES WIDELY.

BARRY TURNS AND WALKS THE LENGTH OF THE BAR BACK TO TREVOR.

TREVOR GLANCES AT JESUS.

TREVOR: (TO BARRY)
I don't see why you don't just bar him. I mean, it's not as if he brings in any money.

BARRY:
Brewery says there's nothing I can do.

TREVOR:
Yeah, but still... you'd be better off with him gone.

BARRY GLANCES OVER AT JESUS, THEN SHAKES HIS HEAD.

BARRY: (TO TREVOR)
I don't want to upset his Dad, not with the darts final coming up.

TREVOR: (CONCEDING)
True. There's nobody smites a treble-twenty like God.

BARRY NODS, GLANCES BACK OVER AT JESUS AND SCOWLS.

JESUS HAS A HALF EATEN LOAF IN ONE HAND AND A FISH IN THE OTHER.

HE TAKES A BITE FROM THE LOAF.

BARRY: (TO JESUS)
Hey!

JESUS LOOKS UP AT BARRY, STARTLED.

BARRY: (CONTINUED)
Did you buy them in here?

JESUS QUICKLY STOWS THE FOOD UP THE SLEEVES OF HIS ROBE AND TRIES TO LOOK INNOCENT.

SHAKING HIS HEAD BARRY TURNS BACK TO TREVOR.

BARRY:
Bloody deity's.

FADE OUT.