When Recruiters Go Bad...

INT. MILITARY BARRACKS

THE ROOM HAS TWELVE BUNKS, HALF OF WHICH ARE OCCUPIED WITH SOLDIERS AS THEY PASS THE TIME IN REST, CONVERSATION AND GUN CLEANING.

THE SOLDIERS STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND LOOK ON IN BEMUSEMENT AS A GROUP OF SIX CELEBRITIES ENTER, ALL WEARING FLAMBOYANT CLOTHING AND PULLING LAVISH SUITCASES BEHIND THEM.

THE CELEBRITIES STAND FOR A MOMENT, LOOKING AROUND THE BARRACKS IN AWE.

PRIVATE MORRIS APPROACHES PHOENIX, THE NEAREST CELEBRITY.

MORRIS:
Can I help you?

PHOENIX:
Hi, I'm Phoenix Walker, you may recognize me from TV's Hollyoaks?

THE TWO MEN SHAKE HANDS.

MORRIS:
Private Morris, and no.

PHOENIX:
Private, I like it. Yeah... I'm 'Private' Phoenix. (INTRODUCING OTHERS) This is 'private' Scarlet. 'Private' Diamond. Privates Broderick, Ice and Sparkle, and the miscreant at the back - as you'll probably know - is 'Private' Reed.

MORRIS NODS AT EACH ONE, UNIMPRESSED.

MORRIS:
I take it you're the new recruits?

PHOENIX:
(TO CELEBS) He's really getting into the swing of things isn't he? (TO MORRIS) Yes, we're the new 'recruits'.

PHOENIX SALUTES MORRIS.

MORRIS SHAKES HIS HEAD, TURNS AND WALKS BACK TO HIS BUNK, SPEAKING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

MORRIS:
Take any bunk that isn't occupied.

THE CELEBS CHOOSE THEIR BUNKS AND BEGIN UNPACKING.

PHOENIX:
It's very realistic isn't it?

SPARKLE:
Where are the cameras?

FADE TO BLACK.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT VILLAGE.

PRIVATE MORRIS AND PHOENIX ARE STANDING IN THE CENTRE OF THE VILLAGE SQUARE IN FULL MILITARY UNIFORM HOLDING M16's.

SCATTERED AROUND THEM ARE THE DEAD BODIES OF THE OTHER CELEBRITIES AND THIER UNIT.

PHOENIX SURVEYS THE BODIES THEN LOOKS TO PRIVATE MORRIS.

PHOENIX: (HOPEFULLY)
Does this mean we're in the final?

MORRIS GROWLS AT PHOENIX AND TURNS TO WALK AWAY.

A GUNSHOT IS HEARD AND MORRIS FALLS DOWN DEAD.

PHOENIX STARES AT MORRIS FOR A MOMENT, THEN LOOKS AT THE OTHER BODIES WITH GROWING EXCITEMENT.

MORRIS:
Did I win? Am I the winner? (PAUSE) I won! I'm the winner! Ha-ha! I'm the first ever winner of 'Celebrity Squaddies if you like as long as you sign this form'! Woo-hoo!

MORRIS LOOKS AROUND IN ANTICIPATION.

MORRIS:
So what's my prize?

CUT TO:

EXT. SAND DUNE.

TWO TERRORISTS ARE LYING ON THE SAND DUNE.

TERRORIST ONE IS LOOKING THROUGH HIS BINOCULARS, TERRORIST TWO THROUGH THE SIGHTS OF HIS SNIPER RIFLE.

THEIR WORDS ARE TRANSLATED VIA SUBTITLES.

TERRORIST ONE:
I'm telling you - it is!

TERRORIST TWO:
Are you sure?

TERRORIST ONE:
Of course I'm sure! It's the guy from Hollyoaks!

TERRORIST TWO PULLS THE TRIGGER OF THE RIFLE.

BOTH MEN SMILE.

TERRORIST TWO:
That's my third celebrity today!

TERRORIST ONE:
It's great isn't it!

TERRORIST ONE SCANS THE HORIZON.

TERRORIST TWO:
I know! They should make a TV show out of this!

TERRORIST ONE PLACES A HAND ON THE OTHERS SHOULDER.

TERRORIST ONE:
Hold on... I think I see Jim Davidson!

TERRORIST TWO: (EXCITED)
What are the odds!

TERRORIST TWO TAKES AIM AND PULLS THE TRIGGER.

TERRORIST ONE: (IN EXAGGERATED BRITISH ACCENT)
Nick . Nick.

THE TERRORISTS BURST INTO LAUGHTER.

FADE OUT.

END.